Self-Trust

Stop beating yourself up!

If you're going through some hardships, or maybe you're beating yourself up over something, this is for you!

About three years ago I was going through some TOUGH sh*t in my personal life and at the time I was part of an amazing supportive badass program/group created and led by the amazing Jason Goldberg.

I remember one particular day being quite tough and I was looking for a way to be able to come out of a state that wasn't serving me.

I had the strategies and the tools. I had the know-how but I was stuck and kept resisting shifting into a more playful approach to the issue. Sounds familiar?

And then, my dear friend Jennifer dropped this mic-drop-mind-blowing wisdom bomb comment:

"Ooopps, If you played with this then you'd have to forgive yourself and give yourself a break. Then what might your life be like?"

That comment shifted everything for me!

So, my friend... where in your life are you taking yourSelf so seriously?

Where in your life are you being so hard on yourSelf, causing you to hold yourSelf back?

Where in your life are you judging yourSelf so hard, causing you to play small in your birthright to being awesomely happy?

What would be possible for you if you would actually step up and dared to LOVE the sh*t out of yourSelf?

#DareToLoveTheShitOutOfYourSelf

©Teresa Pimenta


Divine Mother on the Key Ingredients To (Self) Trust

Back in 2019, during a very demanding time in my life (AKA dark night of the soul) this was one of the many conversations with Divine Mother. This conversation was about (Self) TRUST (which is such a challenge for a people pleaser in recovery like me) and the KEY INGREDIENTS to develop and nourish it. That day I started out with a prayer and then, as usual, she did all the talking and I listened.

Mother, you ask me to trust and I am so scared. I know you can feel my fear and I feel how much you love me through it.
Mother, may I have the courage to fully trust and have faith in this love that invites me daily to surrender.
Mother, may I be granted the wisdom and courage to come from love and not the ego.
Mother, may my heart keep opening up to you, to the Divine love that heals our human hearts.
Mother, may I have the strength to let myself go and let myself fall into your divine grace.

"My beloved child, I love that your heart feels so deeply, my dear. Allow yourself to feel everything! Don’t run away! Don’t hide from it, my child! The deeper you feel, the more doors you open, my dear.

That’s it! Take your time! Breathe, my dear. Breathe!

In the depths you find me, my beloved child. In the depths! Do not fear to dive in, my dear. Fear not! The depths are not dark. There’s pure divine light in the depths, where stillness and silence dance together.

The deeper you go, the brighter it gets, my dear.

Dive those waters, my child. Fear not to dive those waters! They may not look pretty in the beginning. It’s where all the conditioning is, where all the beliefs you were made to believe are, where the things you believe yourself to be are. But if you are brave enough to continue diving, in the depths you’ll find me, my beloved child. Where the waters are pristine, clear, crystal like the purest of the diamonds.

Let yourself fall in that river, my child. Flow with it and be brave to dive deep. In the depths you’ll find me, my child.

You are a vessel of love, my dear. You are a beautiful vessel of love, my child.

Can you trust even when you don't know? Can you? Trust gives you the peace and the ease that you so long for, my child.

Trust life! Trust yourself! You are not separate, my dear. When you trust yourself you will trust life, because one is not without the other. When you trust life, you create an openness to faith – a faith beyond yourself, a faith that will guide you all the way to what you truly are, my dear.

FAITH will give you the power you need to keep diving into the Truth. Faith is the shield that protects you from the ego! Nourish that faith, my dear child. Only the brave ones will dare to hold that shield, my beloved daughter.

Faith is the shield and COURAGE is the sword! Hold them both wisely and strongly, my dear.

A sharp sword, Courage, opens the door, clears the path for you to walk through to the Ultimate Truth, the Ultimate Liberation. A strong and robust shield, Faith, protects you from the hurtful and deadly arrows the ego throws at you. These arrows are all the things you know so well – doubt, judgement, guilt, shame, unworthiness...

So, my child, take care of your shield and remember to sharpen your sword frequently.

You sharpen your sword every time you're willing to be truthful, to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to trust yourself enough to be willing to show up and face the fears you will meet along the way.

You sharpen your sword every time you're willing to open yourself up and let yourself be seen, be fully seen in your authenticity, in your most authentic unfiltered expression in the world.

You sharpen your sword every time you're willing to trust the voice in your heart and not the one in your head.

As for Faith, as for the shield, that requires a sharp sword, my child! Only those who are willing to go beyond themselves will be graced with that shield, my child. Gratitude… prayer… meditation… these are some of the things that make that shield strong enough to continue the inward journey.

Blessed you be, my child, for being brave enough to be holding this shield. Blessed you be!

Once you let yourself fall into the depths of your being, holding that shield and that sword, the more you take care of your shield, the more you dare with your sword and the deeper you go.

The more you dare to open your heart, the more you'll find yourself protected not by a shield but by a blanket of love. And that, my child, is the ultimate faith – trust that a blanket (LOVE) will keep you as safe as a shield.

Be watchful to not let yourself fall into the trap of making yourself insignificant when taking care of your Faith.

First, you need to go beyond yourself and cultivate that faith in order to be able to pass through the traps of the ego. But please, do not let yourself lose your Self in this process, because the power is ultimately within you, my dear.

Remember, you and I, we are not separate, my child!

- Divine Mother | June 16th 2019 (channeled by ©Teresa Pimenta)

Art by Josephine Wall

Art by Josephine Wall

Can people pleasers really TRUST themselves?

Can people pleasers really TRUST themselves?
What is the price to pay for not stepping up in your truth?

Finding out who I am after over 40 years of a life of people pleasing, of avoiding conflict at any cost, it has been nothing short but a damn hard adventure and also a surprisingly worthy challenge.

Was this conscious? Was I aware that I was pleasing others? Was I aware that I was avoiding confrontation to the expense of annihilating myself? Hell no!

Today, many pains and many tears later, I know that in each of those moments that I stayed low, played small, hid myself, said yes when I wanted to say no, smiled when I wanted to cry, agreed and pleased when I wanted to say “fuck you”… Today I know that in all those moments I was betraying myself, losing complete respect for myself as I believed the tyrant I had become to myself — the tyrant that made me believe that who I was as a person was WRONG, that I was unlovable and that I was a worthless piece of shit!

How could I trust myself? How could I trust others? How could I trust life if I couldn’t even trust myself enough to honour my own truth?

With all the pain and hurt, I started playing defensive and shutting myself more and more, not only to others but also to myself. As time went by, I was further and further away from myself, from my truth, from who I truly was. Buried deeper and deeper away from the light of my true self, I began to fade away. I had forgotten about myself! Life has forgotten about me! So it seemed… And the more I lost touch with myself, the higher the walls I began to build around me.

I was definitely locked inside the dungeons of an old castle, protected by a fortress armed with guards, ready to fight the slightest threat! I had built that fortress and buried myself in it. I became a lunatic guard to the castle, always ready to fight any perceived or hallucinated threat, which at that point in my life was basically anything that was out of my control. I was a wounded animal! My flesh was in the open air and the slightest breeze of air would cause a huge amount of pain and hurt like hell! A simple question such as "why don't you...?" sounded like a battle cry. That was not a question to me. It was a threat! I would not hear those words but instead I would hear "what you're doing is wrong!", "who you are is wrong!"

All that triggered me to battle! I fought hard! I kicked and scream and sure as hell I’ve hurt many people in the way. I was fucking angry! Rage was burning inside and was the king of the castle!

No matter how hard I tried to make others happy, that mission was failing over and over again. Not only did I not know who I was, but the one I believed to be, the pleaser, was doing a miserable job. What a worthless piece of shit I was! The significant others were not happy around me or pleased at all and I was a total wreck, a human failure.

And it was only when I hurt the ones that I love the most, that it would hit me straight into the heart. You know, I didn’t care about myself! I was not important! I didn’t matter! My feelings didn’t matter. After all, I was such a bad person, so unlovable and such a worthless piece of shit. But hurting them? That caused a huge amount of pain and it would make me even more furious.

To those I’ve hurt, I’ve already asked for forgiveness. As for me, I’ve not only asked for forgiveness, but I actually forgave myself for it. How else could I love myself if I wasn’t capable of forgiving myself for the hurt and pain I inflicted upon me?! If I ever wanted to feel true love in my heart, that was the only way.

Having brought those walls down, having allowed myself to be seen raw and naked in my vulnerability and my humanity, I am now on a daily journey of reclaiming my voice, daring to speak my truth and show up authentic in the world. And just like a drug addict, it’s a day by day process. Celebrating every moment of authenticity and vulnerability, mothering and nurturing myself when I don’t do it, rejoicing in the bliss and humility of being boldly present through all of it.

What brought me here? The Love others generously and kindly projected onto me brought me here. The love of the brave ones who dare to love fiercely through the hardships, brought me here.

Today I can write about it, I can see it clearly and today I am able to love myself through all of this… for who I have been, for who I am and for who I am becoming.

Today, I’m on a daily journey of choosing love and compassion, feeling deeply grateful for the greatest gift life has finally gifted me with — the LOVE that I feel in my heart, AT LAST!
And knowing in my bones that there’s no mistakes or regrets in Love, knowing with my whole being that Love is always worth it, I am now finally living from Love as Love!

Little me

Little me

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