No More Body Shame

It doesn’t matter how others see you. In the end what really matters is how you see yourself. It doesn’t matter how beautiful, intelligent or attractive others may find you. If you don’t see it or feel it yourself, in the end it is meaningless.

Once, in a retreat with my Buddhist Lama he asked “is the beauty in the flower or is the beauty in you?” I have been feeling into this for quite a while, and I have been seeing how the image and judgement I hold of myself actually conditions my experience of others and the world. That’s such a debilitating filter to have!

I have always struggled with body image and weight issues, and I’ve always judged myself really hard on that. No matter how many times my former partners would tell me I was beautiful, sexy, sensual… I have always struggled to take that in!

“How could they be so blind?”, I used to think. And many times, those compliments used to piss me off, because I was forced to sit with my own lack of self-love, and I silently hated them for that. It was right there, crystal clear on my face… them… holding the mirror for me.

Beach pictures?! OMG! Those were always a nightmare. And if I ever dared to have one or another taken, I couldn’t put my eyes on them afterwards.

Last weekend was no exception. But this time, a more pure and authentic love was holding the mirror, and I could do nothing else but SURRENDER… I mean, if I am actually REAL about this healing journey, which I am!

There we were, me and my 11-year-old kid, absolutely stunned by the beauty of the river, the blue sky, the warmth of winter sun, the boats, the seagulls, the sound of the distant stormy sea, kids laughing and playing… BLISS!

Usually I’m always the one behind the camera capturing these moments, and having a blast while doing it. Very occasionally I dare to ask to be photographed, and last Saturday I did it. I have no idea what I was expecting to see in those pictures but without any surprise to me, I didn’t like them.

I kept looking at those pictures, and I kept witnessing a cascade of judgmental thoughts rushing through my mind as I stared and stared… I kept staring and I began to crop them. Would I be able to find a way to be in those photos without “ruining” them? If I kept my upper body only, maybe that should do it. Shit! Maybe not!

And I found myself focusing on how much weight I have put on, how my belly stood out, how my comfy cotton yoga bra didn’t make my titties look sexy… and the list went on and on.

Why couldn’t the pictures be as beautiful as I wanted them to be? Why the fuck couldn’t I fit into the beauty that was all around me? How come I had so much beauty inside to be able to see the world as beautiful, but I couldn’t see myself the same way?

And then… his sweet wise voice stopped me in my tracks! As he peeks over my shoulder to see what I was doing, he says: “Why are you cropping them? You’re ruining the pictures!”

OMG!!! He is so right! What am I teaching him with this behaviour? Can’t I just fully accept myself as I am RIGHT NOW? I am 46… when will that happen?!

And so I stopped! The cropping wasn’t saving either the pictures or me. Where else in life have I been cropping parts of myself?

Let’s own this shit, Teresa! What do you want your kid to grow up learning? Do you want your kid to grow up not loving himself or his body? Oh yes… I have also judged his body too. Not verbally! Not out loud! But I have silently judged his little belly that tends to show up too.

This has been on my mind since last Saturday, and this morning, as I woke up and was getting ready for my yoga practice, I decided I would take some time to honour my body and hide no more. How fucking powerful is this body?! It was built to last. The scars are also proof of that!

My body has endured generating and giving life to two human beings, bringing them into the world through two painful and invasive caesareans. It has gone through the trauma of an epigastric hernia surgery… And what about all the unexpressed stuffed emotions it has had to deal with, for ages? And what about all the anger trapped inside? What about all the judgement, and making her look less than beautiful and perfect just the way she is? What about all the bad food choices and lack of exercise?

It’s because of this powerful body that I am allowed to FEEL DEEPLY!

As I stood there, honouring my body, pouring love into my cells, my skin, my bones and my flesh, I dared to SEE myself, as I asked for forgiveness.

And what I saw was BEAUTIFUL!

I could fool myself into believing that I was being fully authentic and honouring my body, by admitting the cropping of the pictures, and showing you an original one below (the only one that survived my frustration!). That surely would have been a big step too!

But you know what'? I’ve had enough of this bullshit of body shaming myself!

So, knowing how creatively skillful I have become at deceiving myself, after years of people pleasing, I want to DIVE right into the fear of being FULLY SEEN. Daring to dance with fear one more time, I want to step up my game, and be COURAGEOUS to do what scares me right now. I want to shine a bright light on my body. I want to shine a light on SHAME, that feeds off hiding and staying in the shadow.

My journey of honouring and loving my body starts today. And odds are that the true healing begins too.

If it was easy, SELF-LOVE wouldn’t be a REVOLUTIONARY act!

Here’s to the Self-Love Revolution!

#HonourEveryBitOfYourProcess #EveryLittleStepMatters #SelfLoveRevolution #NoMoreBodyShame

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My Relationship With Weight

My battle with weight began when I was around 16. I have never been too obese but I was definitely overweight. No matter how many people would tell me I looked good, I didn’t feel good at all, either about the way I looked or about the way I felt.

I would engage in crazy gym challenges and diets and, needless to say, it only worked out for a short period of time. And then, everything would start all over again.

I won’t go into the guilt or the shame that battle brought along. That’s not the reason I’m writing this.

Back in 2015, I started doing some major spiritual and self-development healing work on myself, and around that time, after hitting a threshold of physical pain in my joints, I could hear my body shouting out loud that it was time for a deep change.

I could feel this time the decision was coming from a totally different place inside of me… I was certain I was going to change!

And I did! I started taking care of the food I would put in my body, and I started to feel awesome, lighter and more energised than ever. The joint pain completely disappeared, and I could move my body in ways that I couldn’t before. 

I was feeling AMAZING! Had I finally owned this? Was it really possible? I was so HAPPY!

In January 2017, I had a surgery to an epigastric hernia, and it didn’t take long for me to realise I was going back to the old patterns, and I was bullshitting myself with a bunch of excuses to eat some cookies late in the evening, or even to have some chips twice a week.

My belly started getting bigger (I don’t know about you, but for me it’s always the belly!) and I would fool myself telling myself that it was due to the hernia surgery. 

There was a thought running over and over in my mind - “NOT AGAIN!”
And the more I heard it, the more I didn’t want to look at it, and the more cookies I felt like eating. (By the way, I would make sure the cookies were the healthy kind of cookies, fooling myself that those were not a big deal.)

One day, with love, no judgement whatsoever, and as curious as I could be, I decided it was time to go deeper to find out the real root of this, since it was clear I was not healed yet.

I knew that in this internal system of making decisions there should be a belief that was making me sabotage my outcome. 

Sitting outside, with the help of Tony Robbins’ book Awaken the Giant Within, EUREKA! I had a f*cking breakthrough, and then others followed! (Wow … multiple breakthroughs?! Oh… yes, there’s more than just multiple orgasms! ;) )

I realised I took a lot of pleasure out of the process of losing weight. It gave me a challenge to pursue, and I would get an immense sense of accomplishment and big achievement in succeeding at losing weight. Now… guess what? You got it! For me to be able to engage in that challenge of losing weight, to begin with I would need to have weight to lose.  I would put on weight to engage in the process of being successful at losing it afterwards (how fucked up is that?!).

And then, another breakthrough… Succeeding at losing weight would make me feel really significant! Others would notice me and the weight loss, and they would tell me “Oh, you lost weight!” or “Hum, you look thinner!”, but what I would hear them say was “you look awesome”, “you look pretty”.

But deep down what that really meant was — “I SEE YOU!”

BOOOMMMM… another massive breakthrough hitting me hard.
I had created this belief that others would never see me, that I was unnoticeable! So, I ended up finding a way to have people look at me.

You see, my sister, who is one year younger than me, is so beautiful and for as long as I can remember being a child, every time we would go anywhere with our parents, everybody would look at her, and comment on how beautiful she was and how beautiful her eyes were. Hardly ever anyone would notice me and when they did, they would turn to me in second place, and say “oh… and you… you are beautiful too”. (Today I imagine myself showing them the finger! ;) )

I was only 2 or 3 years old (yes, I know… I have a great memory… and I can go even further back in time – amazing what babies can remember, right?) and that was how I perceived and experienced the events; that was the meaning I gave to them, and from there I made a decision, and soon a limiting belief was born.

And as time went by, life made sure to provide me enough evidence to prove me that I was right. That’s what beliefs do. I had become the creator of a self-fulfilling prophecy! 

Now that I uncovered the root cause, healing can finally begin!

Me and my sister :)

If you are curious about the questions that helped me uncover this story, or if there’s something you want to change in your life, I share more in my other article.

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