Speak The F*ck Up

What happens when we actually talk about what we don’t like about ourselves? What happens when we bring light into the darkest aspects of ourselves?

Well, I was dared to write down five traits I don't like about myself, and to record a video talking about it. I didn’t have to post or show the video to anyone. I could even delete it afterwards.

“Come up with 5 things I don't like about myself? That’s EASY!!!”, I thought to myself. Well, not quite! Not only did it turn out to be harder than I thought to come up with those five things, but I also found myself stuck in that process: “Are these really THE ONES I don't like about myself?"

No wonder! One of the things I don't like about myself is second guessing myself!!!! LOL

Thinking I would be on my own (at least so I thought! The ego has interesting ways to get in the way of our growth - if you watch the video below, you’ll understand what I am talking about), I decided to sit with that assignment and record the video, and see what would come up.

JUICY AF, I must say!

Second guessing myself as a result of decades of people pleasing, and mastering the art of fitting in (without even knowing it) was brought to the light in this raw video. I guess this is me evolving OUT LOUD!

I then decided that posting the video to the public would be a huge step forward in facing the FEAR of being fully authentic. Posting the video isn’t about people watching it. It’s about me facing the fear of showing up so raw, unedited and unfiltered.

It’s a paralysing fear, and I am committed into not being held hostage by it.

It’s crazy to notice that there’s a big fear of what my family will think or say about me, crying in a video out into the public. Chances are they’ll think I’m crazy. But you know what?!

I’m NOT CRAZY. I AM READY! I AM F*CKING READY!!!

After all the release (that can be witnessed in the video below), I sat down with the experience, and here’s the insight I got from all that time talking to/with/about myself — if I don’t pay close attention, and fully connect to the truth of who I am, the fact that I have been doing this work for a while can actually be an excuse for the ego to judge me.

“How can that be?”, you may be asking yourself. Here’s how I see it:

The ego will take turns in showing up as the solution to the problem it created in the 1st place, judging its previous manifestation, almost as if peeling off skin, and pretending to be another "entity", one after the other…

Also, if I am not mindful, the ego can easily keep me stuck under the illusion that tapping into feeling all these human emotions is nothing but a waste of time, because “now I know better”.But here’s the thing… Spiritual bypass doesn’t work.

There’s no shortcuts to healing! We have to feel it to heal it! We need to ALLOW the emotion, honour it, create a loving space for it to be expressed, fully see it and ACCEPT it for what it is.

So... here's my commitment for this 2019 (and for the rest of my life):

1 - SPEAK UP about my feelings;

2 - HONOUR my emotions as a manifestation of my human experience;

3 - Create SPACE for whatever may be showing up in my life, either in my inner or outer world;

4 - NURTURE my childlike curiosity;

5 - DARE to be 5% more authentic every step of the way, until it becomes who I am (and if it doesn't, be ok with that too);

6 - LOVE MYSELF, treating myself with kindness and compassion (no different from what I would do to a puppy or a baby).

So, here’s my dare to you! Grab a piece of paper and write down 5 traits you don’t like about yourself! Then, get your phone and record a video of you talking about it. If you want, you can pick one of the five, and only talk about that one. Of course you don’t have to share that video with anyone. You can even delete it afterwards.

Aren’t you curious to see what happens when you TALK about it? Aren’t you curious to find out what happens when you bring light into that shadow?

All I can say is that I found FREEDOM on the other side of that video.

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Surrender Into Trust

It was December 2016, and I had just come back from a mind-blowing, life-changing and earth shattering 6-day event called Date with Destiny, with Tony Robbins, in Florida.

I arrived in Florida with FREEDOM as my top value, and I came home having FAITH at the top of my list. This was very unfamiliar to me, and I had no idea how that would play out in my life, but I was willing to go for it. I knew that the things that came up for me in that event, came from a deeper place within myself… one that only then was I starting to navigate and explore.

Because a lot was happening in my life at the time, with many challenges and changes taking place, even if it was for just this one time, I was willing to pay the price to honour a deeper truth in me.

Being someone who feels deeply called to serve, in that event I made the decision to embrace a very specific role. I am talking about my role as God’s Puppet. That’s right… God’s Puppet! After all, this life is God’s show, right? And by God, I mean Source, Consciousness, Universe, Spirit… (feel free to choose a word that works for you).  

Let me just start by saying that, when I first deeply felt the calling into that role, the ego in me hated it. It totally hated it! I mean, it REALLY hated it, and went on a hysterical rant: “What do you mean god’s puppet?”; “Who the hell wants to be a puppet?”; “OMG, that’s such a loser role to have in life!”; “You’ll never be free, as you so much desire”…

Would I dare to trust my own intuition?
Yes, I would! And … Yes, I did!

I also have to say that, when I decided I would embrace that role, and that I was willing to “play along” with it, I knew nothing about what it meant. I honestly had no clue whatsoever. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I only knew it felt right! It felt so right, and so damn scary, at the same time.

At the time, I wasn’t aware that I would have to get out of my own way many times (if not most of the times). And by “I”, I mean the ego part of me that was so damn unpleased with my decision. But, again… what else was there to expect, considering the ego’s resistance, right?

The ego kept bugging me for quite a long time, wanting me to believe that the role of God’s Puppet was the opposite of what I really wanted. It kept telling me a bunch of stories, of how it was a weak place to be, and how it was a role for losers. Well, it may seem so, and I can see how me surrendering into that idea, actually meant the weakening of the ego.

Embodying the role of God’s Puppet isn’t a piece of cake. Not at all!!! I can now see how challenging it is. So, what is this role about? What does it mean to be God’s Puppet? After two years embracing this role, here’s what I can say…

Being God’s Puppet means showing up fully open to whatever this Higher Intelligence is trying to weave through me, surrendering to whatever Spirit is trying to make happen through me.

Being God’s Puppet means accepting, not resisting, relaxing, ALLOWING. It means being ok with not knowing, being present in the now, being willing to make mistakes. It means being ok with resisting, and fall off track at being God’s Puppet (if that’s even ever possible).

It means being compassionate with myself and others. It means daring to have childlike faith and curiosity again, allowing myself to be surprised. It means practising accepting, and being familiar with change.

Being God’s Puppet means that I am strengthening the belief that everything is already perfect. It means to be willing to let the stories and ideas about myself disappear.

It means I am willing to let the illusion of who I think I am die!

I become aware of the ego’s panic attacks, as I surrender more and more into being fully guided, and allow myself to be in awe at the perfection and wonders of this mysterious and abundant universe we live in.

Can you imagine what a show it would be if I decided I wanted to walk, and God had planning some dancing for me? That would be a very funny disastrous show to watch, don’t you think so?

And the issue is not so much about the disastrous show, that we could all laugh about. (After all, laughing is such a great medicine!) It’s more about how much effort I would really be putting at walking, having God moving me to dance. That would be like swimming up the stream, instead of allowing the stream to take me.

Well, I believe that’s what happens with us many times, when we resist whatever is that life is bringing our way. That’s what happens every time we insist on creating goals that really don’t serve us, or don’t align with our truth, and really limit us to walking, instead of dancing.

So, where are you resisting life?

Me at Date with Destiny (Florida, US) as I was moving towards this decision.

I Pray, I Meditate, I do Yoga and I say F*ck

I remember when I started doing yoga and meditating, sometimes he would come to me and say:

— So much yoga and meditation, and after all you're still... (fill in with a judgement).

You know, it wasn't about him. That had everything to do with ME.

I was the one who secretly and silently would go over judging myself hard. I was always on trial, and I got to be the judge and the defendant.

I was the one blaming MYSELF for doing all those things, and still feeling I was failing. You see, I knew I wasn't perfect but I thought I had to become such! I thought that all those Buddhist practices and retreats, and Tony Robbins seminars and all the MindValley’s courses would turn me into a perfect person.

The day I knew that was WAY FAR from being the purpose of this, things started to shift massively, and I signed myself up for the most AUTHENTIC and LOVING adventure I could never have imagined enrolling myself into — one of SELF-LOVE and SELF-ACCEPTANCE!

Well, it took us many tries, many falls and many knee injuries to learn to master the science of walking, right? So, why take ourselves so seriously, and be so harsh on ourselves in this adventure of being a human being? 

Yes, I pray!

Yes, I meditate!

Yes, I do yoga!

And yes, I say F*ck (boy, it felt good writing this!) and I can be (and I am!) a b*tch sometimes!

And isn't it wonderful that ... ( I got interrupted by the ego: “Hold it right there, lady!!!! Stop right there!!! Don't do it!! Don't you dare saying it!!!" )

As I was saying... and isn't it wonderful that I get to experience such a vast variety of states and emotions?!

(The ego again: “Hey b*tch, what did you just say?! WTF?? Did I just see you admit the possibility of enjoying all this human experience??!! That's it folks, she is losing it! Can someone get her a lifejacket, please?”)

  — Love you too, ego.

Back to what I was saying… Does that mean I like all of them? Does that mean I like being sad, or anxious, or angry? HELL NO!!! But can I just become curious and amazed at the fact that I am capable of experiencing so many different emotions?

Do you know what happened when I began to ask myself this question?

This curiosity has opened up space for me to start relaxing in the fight I used to engage in while resisting those “negative” emotions, and I am beginning to accept and acknowledge them more and more.

Can you imagine if you would press MUTE in the judge headquarters loudspeaker?

I wonder what that would do for you and what that could change in your life! 

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Cover Photo Credit: Inspiring Badass Kim Bao

Letter To The Ego

Dear ego,

I know that there's more to me than the I/eye can see.

I am done fighting you. I am done arguing with you. I am tired of all those stories that you keep playing in my head, over and over, like a f*cking old broken cassette.

I am tired of all the lies you whisper in secret, and you always want me to believe in.

I am tired and I will fight you no more! And if I ever do, I won't bother much about it either. Fighting you, or bothering about it, would be a waste of time, and that would just keep me busy and distracted, while imprisoned inside your trap.

You're so damn good at this sh*t!!! I give you credit for that. Ego, you're a badass at being you.

So, watch me LOVE the crap out of you while I dare to go BEYOND you, BEYOND myself, BEYOND words, BEYOND emotions, BEYOND and BEYOND, dissolving myself into the formless & ONENESS of consciousness.

And just so you know, I don't even need to know what that actually means, and what that actually looks like. RELAX! I mean it. I don't. I don't need to know! YOU need to know. I don't! I really don't!

I know I am functional but also limited with your existence, and deceiving myself to wanting to explain or understand what dissolving into consciousness would actually mean… that would just be foolish of me, and falling for one more of your traps.

I am now allowing myself to fully and deeply SURRENDER to the experience of BEING, and that... that cannot be explained. That... that cannot be understood. That... that can only be EXPERIENCED!

I AM READY! I am coming home!

Tadyata Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha.

Bodhi Soha

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Hustling vs Staying in Flow

As I stood there sitting on the floor, waiting for a performance which was about to start, I found myself absorbing how imponent and magnificent that castle was, and imagined the events that must have taken place there, in the Medieval Age, with kings, queens and knights.

And then… I found myself wondering how many times in life we feel like we are in a battle. How often do we feel there's a castle to take over, to conquer, and overcome challenges so we can get to the very top of the tower?

The true battle is really happening inside, and it is a one-man-fight – ONESELF! (Or, better said, what we think to be ourselves)

The ego (on a side note, let me just say that initially the word ego was all caps and when I noticed how much it was standing out, I thought I would bring it down to its place… wrote it with capital “e” and as I was about to take it down too, the ego was freaking out… LOL the struggle is real, people!!!), which creates an illusory separation, always gives us the idea that we have to get somewhere, to do some other thing, making us feel incomplete, and with the illusion that something is missing…and that’s how we fall into the next-thing trap. At least I know I do!

The ego, in its quest to survive, will make you believe that there’s always more and more and more… it will never ever be enough… YOU will never be enough!

I don’t know about you, but I am finding that sh*t really exhausting, and more and more I am daring to experiment with some different approaches.

As I adventure into these new possibilities, I am aware of the battle happening within, as if I were two people. It’s quite a show to watch!!!!

Sounding just like Sofia Vergara playing Gloria in Modern Family, the ego loves a drama: “what??!! you’re not worried?”; “how come you’re not anxious?”; “what do you mean you’ll buy that ticket to Tony Robbins?”; “You can’t spend all that money?” … blah blah blah

It’s a one-man-show! A sitcom with a signed contract for life and unlimited seasons. (The Simpsons, you’re screwed!)

You should see the shock and the surprise every time I challenge, not only the ego but also myself, to later find out that my body is less and less responding like it used to when standing before the “illusion” of a problem.

My mind tells me to worry and freak out, but deep down I don’t feel as such! There’s hope! 😉

Back to the castle, the battles and the conquering. It’s crazy how we can get attached to the drama and the hardship. Don’t you think so? Don't get me wrong! There's nothing wrong with wanting more, in conquering castles, climbing the highest mountains… I am a hell yeah for that! But life can be as interesting, if not more challenging, down here too.

If there's great courage in taking the leap, in going to battle, it also takes as much courage daring to stay, sit, acknowledge whatever is… do nothing and change nothing.

Actually, I have tried them both, and here’s what I can share with you: hustling, getting myself ready to work, to go somewhere, to do something challenging, is revealing itself way easier than honouring the presence of now, sitting still, creating space for the clarity needed to take action, surrendering into the stillness of the unknown.

Can you be ok with not knowing and honour it?

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