Surrender Into Trust

It was December 2016, and I had just come back from a mind-blowing, life-changing and earth shattering 6-day event called Date with Destiny, with Tony Robbins, in Florida.

I arrived in Florida with FREEDOM as my top value, and I came home having FAITH at the top of my list. This was very unfamiliar to me, and I had no idea how that would play out in my life, but I was willing to go for it. I knew that the things that came up for me in that event, came from a deeper place within myself… one that only then was I starting to navigate and explore.

Because a lot was happening in my life at the time, with many challenges and changes taking place, even if it was for just this one time, I was willing to pay the price to honour a deeper truth in me.

Being someone who feels deeply called to serve, in that event I made the decision to embrace a very specific role. I am talking about my role as God’s Puppet. That’s right… God’s Puppet! After all, this life is God’s show, right? And by God, I mean Source, Consciousness, Universe, Spirit… (feel free to choose a word that works for you).  

Let me just start by saying that, when I first deeply felt the calling into that role, the ego in me hated it. It totally hated it! I mean, it REALLY hated it, and went on a hysterical rant: “What do you mean god’s puppet?”; “Who the hell wants to be a puppet?”; “OMG, that’s such a loser role to have in life!”; “You’ll never be free, as you so much desire”…

Would I dare to trust my own intuition?
Yes, I would! And … Yes, I did!

I also have to say that, when I decided I would embrace that role, and that I was willing to “play along” with it, I knew nothing about what it meant. I honestly had no clue whatsoever. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I only knew it felt right! It felt so right, and so damn scary, at the same time.

At the time, I wasn’t aware that I would have to get out of my own way many times (if not most of the times). And by “I”, I mean the ego part of me that was so damn unpleased with my decision. But, again… what else was there to expect, considering the ego’s resistance, right?

The ego kept bugging me for quite a long time, wanting me to believe that the role of God’s Puppet was the opposite of what I really wanted. It kept telling me a bunch of stories, of how it was a weak place to be, and how it was a role for losers. Well, it may seem so, and I can see how me surrendering into that idea, actually meant the weakening of the ego.

Embodying the role of God’s Puppet isn’t a piece of cake. Not at all!!! I can now see how challenging it is. So, what is this role about? What does it mean to be God’s Puppet? After two years embracing this role, here’s what I can say…

Being God’s Puppet means showing up fully open to whatever this Higher Intelligence is trying to weave through me, surrendering to whatever Spirit is trying to make happen through me.

Being God’s Puppet means accepting, not resisting, relaxing, ALLOWING. It means being ok with not knowing, being present in the now, being willing to make mistakes. It means being ok with resisting, and fall off track at being God’s Puppet (if that’s even ever possible).

It means being compassionate with myself and others. It means daring to have childlike faith and curiosity again, allowing myself to be surprised. It means practising accepting, and being familiar with change.

Being God’s Puppet means that I am strengthening the belief that everything is already perfect. It means to be willing to let the stories and ideas about myself disappear.

It means I am willing to let the illusion of who I think I am die!

I become aware of the ego’s panic attacks, as I surrender more and more into being fully guided, and allow myself to be in awe at the perfection and wonders of this mysterious and abundant universe we live in.

Can you imagine what a show it would be if I decided I wanted to walk, and God had planning some dancing for me? That would be a very funny disastrous show to watch, don’t you think so?

And the issue is not so much about the disastrous show, that we could all laugh about. (After all, laughing is such a great medicine!) It’s more about how much effort I would really be putting at walking, having God moving me to dance. That would be like swimming up the stream, instead of allowing the stream to take me.

Well, I believe that’s what happens with us many times, when we resist whatever is that life is bringing our way. That’s what happens every time we insist on creating goals that really don’t serve us, or don’t align with our truth, and really limit us to walking, instead of dancing.

So, where are you resisting life?

Me at Date with Destiny (Florida, US) as I was moving towards this decision.

I Pray, I Meditate, I do Yoga and I say F*ck

I remember when I started doing yoga and meditating, sometimes he would come to me and say:

— So much yoga and meditation, and after all you're still... (fill in with a judgement).

You know, it wasn't about him. That had everything to do with ME.

I was the one who secretly and silently would go over judging myself hard. I was always on trial, and I got to be the judge and the defendant.

I was the one blaming MYSELF for doing all those things, and still feeling I was failing. You see, I knew I wasn't perfect but I thought I had to become such! I thought that all those Buddhist practices and retreats, and Tony Robbins seminars and all the MindValley’s courses would turn me into a perfect person.

The day I knew that was WAY FAR from being the purpose of this, things started to shift massively, and I signed myself up for the most AUTHENTIC and LOVING adventure I could never have imagined enrolling myself into — one of SELF-LOVE and SELF-ACCEPTANCE!

Well, it took us many tries, many falls and many knee injuries to learn to master the science of walking, right? So, why take ourselves so seriously, and be so harsh on ourselves in this adventure of being a human being? 

Yes, I pray!

Yes, I meditate!

Yes, I do yoga!

And yes, I say F*ck (boy, it felt good writing this!) and I can be (and I am!) a b*tch sometimes!

And isn't it wonderful that ... ( I got interrupted by the ego: “Hold it right there, lady!!!! Stop right there!!! Don't do it!! Don't you dare saying it!!!" )

As I was saying... and isn't it wonderful that I get to experience such a vast variety of states and emotions?!

(The ego again: “Hey b*tch, what did you just say?! WTF?? Did I just see you admit the possibility of enjoying all this human experience??!! That's it folks, she is losing it! Can someone get her a lifejacket, please?”)

  — Love you too, ego.

Back to what I was saying… Does that mean I like all of them? Does that mean I like being sad, or anxious, or angry? HELL NO!!! But can I just become curious and amazed at the fact that I am capable of experiencing so many different emotions?

Do you know what happened when I began to ask myself this question?

This curiosity has opened up space for me to start relaxing in the fight I used to engage in while resisting those “negative” emotions, and I am beginning to accept and acknowledge them more and more.

Can you imagine if you would press MUTE in the judge headquarters loudspeaker?

I wonder what that would do for you and what that could change in your life! 

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Cover Photo Credit: Inspiring Badass Kim Bao

My Soul Screamed And A New Woman Was Born

There are moments in my life which I can't really explain to others how much those moments impact me.

I have been told to be a "too much" woman, and to feel "too much".  I used to believe that, and to judge myself for that. Today, I embrace that as a gift, because the most simple things in life can make me feel blissful, and can also shake me to the core, and make me feel more alive than ever.

Today I want to share with you one of those moments, which happened a couple of years ago, more precisely in 2014, when the intense journey into knowing myself really began.

For the most sceptical ones let's say it was a coincidence ;)

A poem crossed my path, and as I read it, I found myself gasping for air, reaching out for a breath that I felt was being taken away from me.

I was shaken to my bones, the cells in my body vibrated, and my SOUL screamed.

I have read somewhere that the soul whispers but that day my soul screamed louder than my pain, and I heard her for the first time. I guess my soul got tired of whispering, and me never listening to her. Maybe she figured out I had hearing problems (insert any kind of laughter you wish here, as I am laughing at myself right now! LOL)

It really doesn't even matter the reason why. What matters is that that day, reading that poem, I really felt ME, an unknown part of myself was shown to me, a part which I had never acknowledged, and didn't even imagine existed.

That poem struck me so deep down to my core, shook me inside out, ripped me off, and…

For the first time in my life, I knew with every cell in my body that I didn’t love myself.

And I cried ... 

And I cried ...

And I cried ... 

And as I allowed the tears to roll down my face, without even knowing it, I was creating the space for a different woman to be born that day.

That day I promised myself that my garden would never be forgotten and dead ever again. 

This was the poem:

“The wind, one brilliant day, called
to my soul with an odor of jasmine. 

”In return for the odor of my jasmine, 
I’d like all the odor of your roses.” 

”I have no roses; all the flowers
in my garden are dead.” 

”Well then, I’ll take the withered petals
and the yellow leaves and the waters of the fountain.” 

The wind left.  And I wept.  And I said to myself: 
”What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?””

— Antonio Machado

How have you been taking care of your garden?

Drop me a comment as I would love to hear from you how this poem resonated with you or not. What did it bring out for you?

Myself!

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Facing Fear

I faced FEAR today!

Holy shit... My legs shook like hell... I felt my heart beating in every inch of my body... It was not death but it sure felt like it!

— B*itch, STOP this car R.I.G.H.T N.O.W! — Fear yelled.

In that moment I felt trapped. It felt way too dangerous, and way too scary, to keep driving up the mountain. The road was too narrow and so damn steep. I could see the road disappearing under the car as I curved… OMG!!! It seemed the car was flying — all I could see was the car and the sky.

F*ck!!! My car has no wings and neither do I!

At that point, the only way to feeling great and safe again (OMG, I wanted it so badly!) was to go all the way up! Literally, there was no turning back.

Suddenly, the fear of keep moving forward became smaller than turning the car around, and so I kept going.

When I finally stopped the car, it felt like a huge relief! My legs were shaking, and I could barely walk! I took some deep breaths in and out, and walked all the way up to the top.

And you know what? Fear wouldn’t shut up:

— Are you happy now? I hope this shit was worth it! What do you expect to find here? There are only big rocks here! And you’re also afraid of rocks, remember?

As I watched my son exploring the surroundings, I fooled myself into the illusion that I was enjoying myself, hiding behind the camera, and taking some pictures of him. Fear wasn’t going anywhere, and it wasn’t giving up either, as it shouted:

— How the hell are you going to drive your way down? I can’t believe you brought us here!

Fear was hysterical, and for me to be able to live that experience fully, I had to take a moment to acknowledge its presence, breathe and let it know that everything was going to be ok.

(At this point I am fooling myself… what else can I do? Fake it until you make it!).

Yes, it seemed dangerous! Yes, it looked and felt scary... But I would drive very slowly and carefully on the way down. If others can do it, I can also do it myself.

Now, there was nothing Fear could do, but I… I could choose: I could freak out or I could enjoy the wonderful experience of being there, at the mountain top. I mean, being truly and actually there, and NOT pretending that I was there!

And so I made a decision. I decided I wanted to BE FULLY PRESENT!

Fear stood there, aside, arms crossed, grumbling and waiting for the moment to go down:

— This b*tch, since she met that Tony Robbins guy and walked on that fire, she doesn't listen to me like she used to... and with all that meditation and self-development bullsh*t she is into, she thinks she can dare and defy me... Well... I gotta say that we’ve been to some quite amazing places, and met some extraordinary people but …

(bla bla bla)

SILENCE entered my body! I don’t recall ever experiencing that kind of silence. The immense space before my eyes, all the mountains around, the different autumn colours blending together and kissing the blue of the sky, two birds flying around and playing together in a dance only they understood…

The silence and I became one! And in that moment, I was FREE!

On the way down... OMG... Fear was freaking out again and making a scene!

As I write this and share this story with you, I found it very curious to witness my reaction to feeling trapped and scared — I wanted it to STOP! I wanted to quit! I froze, and I wanted someone to come and save me. I wanted to throw the towel and have someone come and get my car out of there.

I guess this is exactly what Tony Robbins means, when he says that if you want to take the island, you gotta burn the damn boats. Having escape doors will make you use them when standing before Fear.

I wonder how many times we all go through moments like this where we feel fearful, or scared, and we want to give up, run away or have someone to come and save us?!

So, if I could share something powerful and transformational with you, here are TWO things I would say:

1) What is your biggest fear in life? What are you most afraid of in your life?

STOP reading now, and take a moment to write down what comes up for you when you ask yourself that question.

(I hope you have PAUSED!)

2) What could be a fear bigger than that fear? What could it be that you could fear even more than the thing you fear the most?

What if the only way to going down and feeling great again is going all the way up?

At the top of the moutain…

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What in you needs to die so that you can be FREE?

In moments of blissful experiences or painful emotional depth, sometimes I write. I'm not a writer but I write!

Either to celebrate or to heal, I need that intensity. Staying at a surface level for me is more like being emotionally numb. That's just how I know myself... Diving deeper makes me feel more alive than ever. That's how I ravish my soul! 

You may agree that it is somewhat easy to understand why one would celebrate and intensify the blissful moments life offers us once in a while, right?

But... why would someone intensify their pain?

For many many years, I have rejected pain with all my strength until I realised that the healing only happens when I really sit down quietly with that pain.

Well, don't get me wrong! There was nothing silent about those deep painful moments (I screamed and shouted like hell!!!). By quietly I mean to sit and listen to the screaming and the yelling... to hold space for the pain… to sit so quietly that I could even hear my heart weeping.

In that intensity I would just run out of any strength, and I would finally surrender and give in. Only in that moment… that exact moment when I gave in to fighting the pain — that was the moment the healing did begin.

In one of those deep, painful and transformational moments a poem was born as part of the healing process itself. As words were rushing to the paper, I could feel the pain increasing inside. But for me, intensifying the pain is a bit like connecting at a deeper soul level within myself.

The deeper I feel, the deeper I can heal!

As strange as it may seem, making pain so unbearable by intensifying it, that just gives me the rush and the leverage I need to get out of that painful situation faster. That day, the ME I had known for years had to die, so that I could be reborn into a free untethered wild spirit.

Today, I am ready to share that poem with the world.

“She-Wolf

Wounded she-wolf…

Suspicious,
Cautious,
Searching for a safe path
Among the ferocious traps
Of the unknown road called Surrender.

Desperate,
She looks for the healing to her deep wounds.

Unable to hear the whisper of her soul
She takes refuge.

Despair and pain take over her…

Disoriented and confused,
She dives into cutting and ripping pathways
Tearing her off to pieces
Leaving her entire soul
Vulnerably laying in the open sky.

She is shattered into
Small mirrored pieces,
Ruins impossible to recompose.

Everything in her dies!

Her soul weeps and digs deeper,
Nourishing herself
From the stream of her own tears.

May she be reborn now
A strong she-wolf!

May she sprout wise and confident
Pure and wild
Exuberant
No tethers

Free!
”

— Teresa Pimenta

What about you? Do you stay in the pain to heal? How do you go through painful moments? Do you also need this emotional intensity? Write in the comments. I would love to read it!

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Because this was originally written in Portuguese, I share below the original version with all the Portuguese readers. 

Loba

Loba Ferida,
Desconfiada,
Cautelosa,
Procura caminho seguro
Por entre as armadilhas ferozes
Da estrada chamada Entrega.

Desesperada,
Procura a cura para as suas feridas.

Incapaz de ouvir o discurso da sua alma,
Refugia-se!

O desespero e a dor tomam conta dela!

Desorientada,
Mergulha em caminhos dilacerantes
Rasgando-a até à alma.

Desfaz-se
Em pedaços espelhados,
Ruínas impossíveis de recompor.

Toda ela morre!

Sua alma escava bem fundo,
Nutre-se do regato das suas lágrimas.

Que renasça agora
Uma loba forte.
Que brote sábia e confiante
Pura e selvagem.

Exuberante,

Sem amarras,

Livre!

- Teresa Pimenta