What if messing up is succeeding?

If you are any little bit like me, my guess is that you find yourself over and over again coming back to a place you thought you had already mastered, and you wouldn’t be messing up that one again. It can be a relationship, body issues, eating habits… actually it can be anything. And then you beat yourself up, and get caught in the net of the unproductive “why can’t I” will-take-you-nowhere mantra.

Does this ever happen to you? I know it does happen to me.

In life, many many times we don't get things right, either on the 1st round, or the 2nd or even the 3rd or ... (ok, enough! You know what I mean, right?!). We mess up and we mess up like pros! Or maybe not!!!!

What if we aren’t really messing up? What if we are indeed succeeding?

Life is like flying an airplane. Did you know that a plane is off course over 90% of the time? Due to weather conditions, turbulence, and other factors, it gets off track, and it is the pilot who makes course corrections and keeps coming back to the flight plan, bringing the plane back on course. The same happens with our lives.

If we see every instant of life as an opportunity to grow, instead of beating ourselves up thinking we failed; if we see every challenge life throws at us as a chance to upgrade ourselves, instead of dumping a whole bunch of shitty judgements all over ourselves; if we can take a setback as a moment to make course corrections when we find ourselves off track, then we may discover that life is not about Balance but instead, it is about BALANCING.

Life is dynamic, not static. Life is change, not permanence. Life is a VERB, not a noun.  

This version of me wouldn't be possible without the former version of me. And neither of them is better or worse than the other... They build on each other, as we step into the greater version of ourselves, as we remove the excess of the marble until the final masterpiece we already are is revealed to us.

We are not a masterpiece in the making. We are a masterpiece in the unfolding!

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I Pray, I Meditate, I do Yoga and I say F*ck

I remember when I started doing yoga and meditating, sometimes he would come to me and say:

— So much yoga and meditation, and after all you're still... (fill in with a judgement).

You know, it wasn't about him. That had everything to do with ME.

I was the one who secretly and silently would go over judging myself hard. I was always on trial, and I got to be the judge and the defendant.

I was the one blaming MYSELF for doing all those things, and still feeling I was failing. You see, I knew I wasn't perfect but I thought I had to become such! I thought that all those Buddhist practices and retreats, and Tony Robbins seminars and all the MindValley’s courses would turn me into a perfect person.

The day I knew that was WAY FAR from being the purpose of this, things started to shift massively, and I signed myself up for the most AUTHENTIC and LOVING adventure I could never have imagined enrolling myself into — one of SELF-LOVE and SELF-ACCEPTANCE!

Well, it took us many tries, many falls and many knee injuries to learn to master the science of walking, right? So, why take ourselves so seriously, and be so harsh on ourselves in this adventure of being a human being? 

Yes, I pray!

Yes, I meditate!

Yes, I do yoga!

And yes, I say F*ck (boy, it felt good writing this!) and I can be (and I am!) a b*tch sometimes!

And isn't it wonderful that ... ( I got interrupted by the ego: “Hold it right there, lady!!!! Stop right there!!! Don't do it!! Don't you dare saying it!!!" )

As I was saying... and isn't it wonderful that I get to experience such a vast variety of states and emotions?!

(The ego again: “Hey b*tch, what did you just say?! WTF?? Did I just see you admit the possibility of enjoying all this human experience??!! That's it folks, she is losing it! Can someone get her a lifejacket, please?”)

  — Love you too, ego.

Back to what I was saying… Does that mean I like all of them? Does that mean I like being sad, or anxious, or angry? HELL NO!!! But can I just become curious and amazed at the fact that I am capable of experiencing so many different emotions?

Do you know what happened when I began to ask myself this question?

This curiosity has opened up space for me to start relaxing in the fight I used to engage in while resisting those “negative” emotions, and I am beginning to accept and acknowledge them more and more.

Can you imagine if you would press MUTE in the judge headquarters loudspeaker?

I wonder what that would do for you and what that could change in your life! 

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Cover Photo Credit: Inspiring Badass Kim Bao

Letter To The Ego

Dear ego,

I know that there's more to me than the I/eye can see.

I am done fighting you. I am done arguing with you. I am tired of all those stories that you keep playing in my head, over and over, like a f*cking old broken cassette.

I am tired of all the lies you whisper in secret, and you always want me to believe in.

I am tired and I will fight you no more! And if I ever do, I won't bother much about it either. Fighting you, or bothering about it, would be a waste of time, and that would just keep me busy and distracted, while imprisoned inside your trap.

You're so damn good at this sh*t!!! I give you credit for that. Ego, you're a badass at being you.

So, watch me LOVE the crap out of you while I dare to go BEYOND you, BEYOND myself, BEYOND words, BEYOND emotions, BEYOND and BEYOND, dissolving myself into the formless & ONENESS of consciousness.

And just so you know, I don't even need to know what that actually means, and what that actually looks like. RELAX! I mean it. I don't. I don't need to know! YOU need to know. I don't! I really don't!

I know I am functional but also limited with your existence, and deceiving myself to wanting to explain or understand what dissolving into consciousness would actually mean… that would just be foolish of me, and falling for one more of your traps.

I am now allowing myself to fully and deeply SURRENDER to the experience of BEING, and that... that cannot be explained. That... that cannot be understood. That... that can only be EXPERIENCED!

I AM READY! I am coming home!

Tadyata Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha.

Bodhi Soha

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Hustling vs Staying in Flow

As I stood there sitting on the floor, waiting for a performance which was about to start, I found myself absorbing how imponent and magnificent that castle was, and imagined the events that must have taken place there, in the Medieval Age, with kings, queens and knights.

And then… I found myself wondering how many times in life we feel like we are in a battle. How often do we feel there's a castle to take over, to conquer, and overcome challenges so we can get to the very top of the tower?

The true battle is really happening inside, and it is a one-man-fight – ONESELF! (Or, better said, what we think to be ourselves)

The ego (on a side note, let me just say that initially the word ego was all caps and when I noticed how much it was standing out, I thought I would bring it down to its place… wrote it with capital “e” and as I was about to take it down too, the ego was freaking out… LOL the struggle is real, people!!!), which creates an illusory separation, always gives us the idea that we have to get somewhere, to do some other thing, making us feel incomplete, and with the illusion that something is missing…and that’s how we fall into the next-thing trap. At least I know I do!

The ego, in its quest to survive, will make you believe that there’s always more and more and more… it will never ever be enough… YOU will never be enough!

I don’t know about you, but I am finding that sh*t really exhausting, and more and more I am daring to experiment with some different approaches.

As I adventure into these new possibilities, I am aware of the battle happening within, as if I were two people. It’s quite a show to watch!!!!

Sounding just like Sofia Vergara playing Gloria in Modern Family, the ego loves a drama: “what??!! you’re not worried?”; “how come you’re not anxious?”; “what do you mean you’ll buy that ticket to Tony Robbins?”; “You can’t spend all that money?” … blah blah blah

It’s a one-man-show! A sitcom with a signed contract for life and unlimited seasons. (The Simpsons, you’re screwed!)

You should see the shock and the surprise every time I challenge, not only the ego but also myself, to later find out that my body is less and less responding like it used to when standing before the “illusion” of a problem.

My mind tells me to worry and freak out, but deep down I don’t feel as such! There’s hope! 😉

Back to the castle, the battles and the conquering. It’s crazy how we can get attached to the drama and the hardship. Don’t you think so? Don't get me wrong! There's nothing wrong with wanting more, in conquering castles, climbing the highest mountains… I am a hell yeah for that! But life can be as interesting, if not more challenging, down here too.

If there's great courage in taking the leap, in going to battle, it also takes as much courage daring to stay, sit, acknowledge whatever is… do nothing and change nothing.

Actually, I have tried them both, and here’s what I can share with you: hustling, getting myself ready to work, to go somewhere, to do something challenging, is revealing itself way easier than honouring the presence of now, sitting still, creating space for the clarity needed to take action, surrendering into the stillness of the unknown.

Can you be ok with not knowing and honour it?

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My Soul Screamed And A New Woman Was Born

There are moments in my life which I can't really explain to others how much those moments impact me.

I have been told to be a "too much" woman, and to feel "too much".  I used to believe that, and to judge myself for that. Today, I embrace that as a gift, because the most simple things in life can make me feel blissful, and can also shake me to the core, and make me feel more alive than ever.

Today I want to share with you one of those moments, which happened a couple of years ago, more precisely in 2014, when the intense journey into knowing myself really began.

For the most sceptical ones let's say it was a coincidence ;)

A poem crossed my path, and as I read it, I found myself gasping for air, reaching out for a breath that I felt was being taken away from me.

I was shaken to my bones, the cells in my body vibrated, and my SOUL screamed.

I have read somewhere that the soul whispers but that day my soul screamed louder than my pain, and I heard her for the first time. I guess my soul got tired of whispering, and me never listening to her. Maybe she figured out I had hearing problems (insert any kind of laughter you wish here, as I am laughing at myself right now! LOL)

It really doesn't even matter the reason why. What matters is that that day, reading that poem, I really felt ME, an unknown part of myself was shown to me, a part which I had never acknowledged, and didn't even imagine existed.

That poem struck me so deep down to my core, shook me inside out, ripped me off, and…

For the first time in my life, I knew with every cell in my body that I didn’t love myself.

And I cried ... 

And I cried ...

And I cried ... 

And as I allowed the tears to roll down my face, without even knowing it, I was creating the space for a different woman to be born that day.

That day I promised myself that my garden would never be forgotten and dead ever again. 

This was the poem:

“The wind, one brilliant day, called
to my soul with an odor of jasmine. 

”In return for the odor of my jasmine, 
I’d like all the odor of your roses.” 

”I have no roses; all the flowers
in my garden are dead.” 

”Well then, I’ll take the withered petals
and the yellow leaves and the waters of the fountain.” 

The wind left.  And I wept.  And I said to myself: 
”What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?””

— Antonio Machado

How have you been taking care of your garden?

Drop me a comment as I would love to hear from you how this poem resonated with you or not. What did it bring out for you?

Myself!

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Unedited Conversation With My Heart

After more than a week without meditating, sabotaging my own happiness and feeling like shit, I found myself sitting down and grabbing a pen… and out of the blue I saw the “pen” use my hand to write. I was not writing, I was being written!

Here’s what I wrote:

After so many, so many days of wandering lost inside in the foggy black empty space within myself, I am finally creating a moment to sit down, and write whatever is going through me, whether in my mind or heart.

I have been filled up with fear, frustration, disappointment and judgement towards myself. If on the one hand I have been practising loving myself and respecting myself, I have also been immersed in a space of confusion, of loss, of wanting, not wanting… totally unknown, fully blocked and massively confused.

I think about the women in the Tribe and if I am failing them, or if I am actually failing myself. It really doesn’t matter. All of that comes from a place of lack, of scarcity, because if I could trust that I am loved no matter what, then I would for sure take some time off to myself.

Funny that when my head wants to kick in, my pen tends to stop. So I will continue to write without stopping, as long as I feel like, and tap into my heart.

This place of confusion is really scary, and I can see how challenging it can be to trust the process of life. I believe trusting the process of life really means trusting myself and my energy. Will I honour my true self? What does that even really mean? Can I be ok with the fact that I may not know it? That’s so challenging for me, and I see how that has to do with the need to control things in my life, out of the fear of the unknown, and because of all the days spent under the fear storm that would break at mum’s house.

Throughout my life I have been connecting to myself through fear and anger, and that became the normal. And feeling anger would make me feel like I was a bad person, wrong, a mistake. Today, as I write and connect with (and into) my heart, I know I am so much more than that. My heart knows it! My soul knows it! I know it! It’s just that I have totally forgotten.

I tell my heart that I am afraid of being ridiculous, and my heart answers “So what?!”. WTF, I am here, crying my ass off, and my heart comes up with that answer?! Now, I can only laugh. “Laugh along! After all, you love a great laugh, don’t you?!”, my heart says.

(I take a break from writing to laugh my ass off)

Well, I must be really close to having a breakthrough!

That’s totally who I am. I am my heart, not my head. I am that humorous funny person. I know I am so much more than what my mind wants me to believe.

In the darkness of the confusion, and in the space within, I see now that ALL is possible. Without space there’s no room for creation to happen, and without darkness there’s no way light can shine bright.

I may be confused about what to do next but I am not confused about who to be. And you know what?! I am freaking amazing at the job I am doing with myself. Can I be able to love myself unconditionally?

HEART, talk to me! Tell me! What do you have to say about all this mess going on inside? What do you have to say about all this fear and this confusion inside? This uncertainty is driving me crazy! What do you really want from me? Can’t you see this isn’t good for us? Help me out here, please! What wisdom do you have for me? What can you share with me?

(And the heart spoke!)

“To start with, it’s great that you’re here and that you’re connecting! Long time no see, right, T.? You connect out of fear, and that is totally off from where I am, from where I stand, from my essence.

Thank you for showing up T.! I love it when you take the time to come and see me.

(Naturally, my eyes closed, and I, for a moment, I would be shifting from writing to going deep, and coming back to writing again.)

That’s it! Pause now! … Close your eyes! … Breathe! … Can you feel me? … Can you feel me? Can you feel the stillness?... Feel it! … don’t rush it… Stay! Stay! Stay!

See how far you’ve come, my child! I am so proud of you! You have come a long long way. Stop comparing yourself to others. You were created to stand out, and stop judging yourself for being different! Remember the feelings when you laugh? That’s YOU! That’s who you truly are, my child!

(At this point, part of me is wondering why the hell I am being addressed to as “my child”, but I decide to allow the process and not mess up with it. Maybe I felt the need to be mothered, so I stood out of the way.)

You were created to be the happy joyful embodiment of transformation, the joyful embodiment of love, wisdom and compassion.  I am here always for you, but I will only come when you call me! Be yourself, my child! Be yourself, with the good and the bad! After all, who says which is which?!

Go through life living fully, feeling deeply! That’s who you are! You are an intense being! You like to feel deep! You are great at feeling deep! You know about the preciousness of life. Feel me! Feel me! Don’t go! Stay!... Breathe!… Breathe!…

I hear you, my child. I know you are scared and that’s ok! After all, you don’t remember who you truly are, who you really are. That’s ok! And still, you have been doing a great job!

Why are you crying, my child? Do you feel lonely? I can feel you do, and that’s ok too. But if you connect to me, you can never feel lonely. Can you feel me? Can you feel me?

Are you really crying because you feel lonely or because you are feeling loved unconditionally right now?

I can hear what you’re thinking, and YES, it can be that simple. It is that simple! You are breath, you are love, you are pure energy living under the illusion that is someone else, something else that has a great big purpose in life.

You are the purpose, my child! You are the meaning! You are life!

Show me what you see! Show me what you feel! Show me life through you! Let me breathe you!

Keep laughing, my child! Keep dancing, my child, because through you, I experience joy and happiness and bliss. Keep crying, my child, because I feel the sadness so deeply. You are so good at feeling! You may be confused sometimes but I’m not! I always feel and know what you are feeling.

I heard you just now! You want to know what I want from you? I want to feel life through your own eyes, feel life through your own heart, and experience the bliss in your smile and laughter.

I hear you, my child! You say you’re tired. That’s ok! You can rest. You can relax. You have been too hard on yourself. I have never asked you to do all of those things you do… My child, you are special, you are precious, and you have come such a long way… and I am so proud of you!

Relax now! There’s nothing for you to do right now … just be here with me as I cradle you, my child.

You have become this courageous woman, and this wonderful human being (yeah, I heard that… you wanted to say leader, didn’t you?!) and … ok… you are your own leader… leading your life, your experiences, your emotions…

Lead the way, my child, lead your way! I’m right here! I’ll be right here!

One breath away… one breath away… one breath…

I love you!”
 

If you would take a moment to close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths in, connect to your heart and express your fears and worries to your heart, what would your heart say to you?

Go ahead, do that! I’ll wait ;) And then come back and share in the comments what came up for you. I’d love to hear from you.

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Facing Fear

I faced FEAR today!

Holy shit... My legs shook like hell... I felt my heart beating in every inch of my body... It was not death but it sure felt like it!

— B*itch, STOP this car R.I.G.H.T N.O.W! — Fear yelled.

In that moment I felt trapped. It felt way too dangerous, and way too scary, to keep driving up the mountain. The road was too narrow and so damn steep. I could see the road disappearing under the car as I curved… OMG!!! It seemed the car was flying — all I could see was the car and the sky.

F*ck!!! My car has no wings and neither do I!

At that point, the only way to feeling great and safe again (OMG, I wanted it so badly!) was to go all the way up! Literally, there was no turning back.

Suddenly, the fear of keep moving forward became smaller than turning the car around, and so I kept going.

When I finally stopped the car, it felt like a huge relief! My legs were shaking, and I could barely walk! I took some deep breaths in and out, and walked all the way up to the top.

And you know what? Fear wouldn’t shut up:

— Are you happy now? I hope this shit was worth it! What do you expect to find here? There are only big rocks here! And you’re also afraid of rocks, remember?

As I watched my son exploring the surroundings, I fooled myself into the illusion that I was enjoying myself, hiding behind the camera, and taking some pictures of him. Fear wasn’t going anywhere, and it wasn’t giving up either, as it shouted:

— How the hell are you going to drive your way down? I can’t believe you brought us here!

Fear was hysterical, and for me to be able to live that experience fully, I had to take a moment to acknowledge its presence, breathe and let it know that everything was going to be ok.

(At this point I am fooling myself… what else can I do? Fake it until you make it!).

Yes, it seemed dangerous! Yes, it looked and felt scary... But I would drive very slowly and carefully on the way down. If others can do it, I can also do it myself.

Now, there was nothing Fear could do, but I… I could choose: I could freak out or I could enjoy the wonderful experience of being there, at the mountain top. I mean, being truly and actually there, and NOT pretending that I was there!

And so I made a decision. I decided I wanted to BE FULLY PRESENT!

Fear stood there, aside, arms crossed, grumbling and waiting for the moment to go down:

— This b*tch, since she met that Tony Robbins guy and walked on that fire, she doesn't listen to me like she used to... and with all that meditation and self-development bullsh*t she is into, she thinks she can dare and defy me... Well... I gotta say that we’ve been to some quite amazing places, and met some extraordinary people but …

(bla bla bla)

SILENCE entered my body! I don’t recall ever experiencing that kind of silence. The immense space before my eyes, all the mountains around, the different autumn colours blending together and kissing the blue of the sky, two birds flying around and playing together in a dance only they understood…

The silence and I became one! And in that moment, I was FREE!

On the way down... OMG... Fear was freaking out again and making a scene!

As I write this and share this story with you, I found it very curious to witness my reaction to feeling trapped and scared — I wanted it to STOP! I wanted to quit! I froze, and I wanted someone to come and save me. I wanted to throw the towel and have someone come and get my car out of there.

I guess this is exactly what Tony Robbins means, when he says that if you want to take the island, you gotta burn the damn boats. Having escape doors will make you use them when standing before Fear.

I wonder how many times we all go through moments like this where we feel fearful, or scared, and we want to give up, run away or have someone to come and save us?!

So, if I could share something powerful and transformational with you, here are TWO things I would say:

1) What is your biggest fear in life? What are you most afraid of in your life?

STOP reading now, and take a moment to write down what comes up for you when you ask yourself that question.

(I hope you have PAUSED!)

2) What could be a fear bigger than that fear? What could it be that you could fear even more than the thing you fear the most?

What if the only way to going down and feeling great again is going all the way up?

At the top of the moutain…

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Set Yourself Free

It’s Autumn but it doesn’t really feel like it. The weather is really hot, the sun is shining bright and it feels like a summer day. So, what better thing to do on a summer-not-so-autumn day than to head to the seaside?!
 

That’s exactly what I did yesterday. There I was at the beach with my kid, and there’s no one to be seen. My favourite days to visit the beach. Pure bliss! I am there, soaking up on the beauty of the sea, losing myself in the vastness of the space in front of me, and blissfully enjoying the smell of the salty water… and all of a sudden I notice this fence right in front of me.

I hadn’t seen it before. I had not realised it was there. What could have drawn my attention to it? I worried about my kid falling. So, when fear kicked in, I looked for safety, for security and that’s when I saw the fence. (which is totally fine)

But there is something peculiar about this fence... It is being put together by rope wrapped around it … it looked so fragile…

The actual fence!

You know, in the past I would have given in to fear, and completely forget about the wonderful sight, with the sea and the sky meeting each other. But not yesterday!

And I wondered… How many times do we feel like we are on the edge of something extraordinarily different and exciting, and then fear makes us look for security, distracting us and holding us back from?

How many times we feel something is about to shift in our life, we’re excited about it, and because of fear we HOLD ON to fences that are so freaking unstable?

How many times do we dare so little, holding on to fences which are so weak that wouldn't be able to hold you if you were to lean onto them?

How many times do we hold on to fences that really don't serve us anymore? Fences we keep fixing… we keep mending… out of fear!

There comes a day that the fence that once kept us safe, will now keep us trapped inside.

It may give us the illusion that being behind the fence is much better, much safer… but that’s just it – an illusion!

I remember the day I received my last paycheck from school with ZERO euros on it. I had quit my job as a teacher after 24 years. There was not much of a plan except to keep moving and showing up for what I am really passionate about.

That day I was freaking out! Fear kept shouting at me:

— What the f*ck are you doing with your life?

And for 12 hours in a row I played the same song, over and over again (UNSTOPPABLE by Sia). I listened to it, and I sang for hours and hours straight. My hands were sweating; my heart was beating so fast. Luckily it’s blood because if it was milk, it would have turned into butter! OMG!!! I was really freaking out, but I was not going back!

That day I made sure I surrounded myself with an empowering group of people. I remember one particular person telling me:

— Awesome! Now you can shoot for the stars. The sky is the limit!

That was it!!!! There was no more fence. No more hiding, and no more playing small. I had removed the fence, and now there were no more limits. No more mending or fixing the fence, finding excuses to it, postponing decisions, blaming others and complaining about it…

I had jumped and now, all I had to do was to keep on flying and soar!

The summer-not-so-autumn Sunday...

So, I wonder…

Is there a fence you are holding on to that doesn’t serve you anymore? Is there a fence you keep on mending and fixing?

What would it look like if you jumped? How exciting would your life be if you took the leap and started to fly? What would be possible for you without the fence? How exciting would your life be if you remembered that you are actually a free being capable of achieving every dream you dream?

Share your fences in the comments! I would love to read about them.

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The Day I Stopped Fighting Myself

My whole life I have been in a battle with myself, and thus with the whole world!

That constant fight harmed my body more than I could ever imagine or wish for. I guess the physical pain was the strategy to make me STOP, and to lead me to a fucking threshold where I finally did something for me, and for my life. 

My whole life I felt wrong, like I didn't belong anywhere, and always resisted the fact that I was born a woman. For me being a woman meant being weak, being superficial, being too sensitive. To be honest, I was angry at the fact that I was born in a woman's body! For that reason, I kept my feminine energy trapped and caged for ever, resisting her, ignoring her, making her wrong.

Rejecting the femininity in me also brought me some deep emotional and physical health issues. Yes, that's how deep I rejected myself! 

Well this post is not meant to tell you the story of my life. Instead, what I really want to share with you is the moment my Masculine and my Feminine energy met.

You see, against my own will but following my gut and honouring my soul's desire, I started being part of some women circles. Let me just share with you that those circles — oh boy, they all seemed way too weird to me.

How could they not? I was the one who felt weird myself. I was totally disconnected from myself and from my core essence.

In the pictures below (first time in that circle), you can see how disconnected I was if you look closely at the red thread. We had to introduce ourselves while passing on the thread to some other woman. By the end of the exercise, the red thread that arrived and left my wrist, on both ends it was beyond loose. I was the only woman who could move her hand and arm without moving the other women along.

Last weekend I was in another circle, and for the 1st time I felt a brand new woman! I felt the woman in me was totally integrated. I felt like I belonged and there was nothing wrong with me.

This healing process took me about 3 years. It demanded a lot of courage from me, a lot of deep work, and an unshakable commitment to be happy no matter what!

Today, looking back at many of the healing moments, I had a breakthrough and I wrote about the moment my Masculine and my Feminine energy met for the first time. I didn't understand that was what was happening back then, but I do now!

I was lying on the floor, fully trusting my body to her hands. 

“I SURRENDER

I am hurt!
I am bleeding!
I am tired!

I have been in the battle fields for way too long!

Me and my enemy
Me and my ghosts
Me and myself

What a long and painful battle it has been!

I am tired!

I stop fighting
I put down the weapons
I allow the armour to be undressed
I allow the open wounds to be exposed to the light

I am vulnerable!
I surrender!

No more running away
No more hiding
No more rejecting parts of me
No more guilt
No more shame
No more fighting myself

No more!

Tears wash my soul

I surrender!
I surrender!
I SURRENDER! 

Suddenly,
As if magic...

I taste the sweetness of tenderness
I feel the softness of loving-kindness
I am cradled by the warmth of compassion

I am finally home!

I see the face of LOVE
It is a WOMAN!”

— Teresa Pimenta

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How To Make A Change In Your Life

Have you been struggling with repetitive negative or destructive patterns? 
Is there something in your life you wish to change but you seem to never succeed?

In his book Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins suggests that you ask yourself some specific questions to help you make that change. Those were actually the questions I asked myself, leading me to some powerful breakthroughs uncovering the root cause of my weight battle. (I wrote about it here)

So, if you are ready to play, sit down and put pen to paper. You know, you can read a book to learn how to swim but you won’t ever swim unless you get yourself inside water. 

Ok, you get it, right? So, here it goes. Answer these questions in this specific order. Tony Robbins says that it’s really important to follow the order. He says it’s like dialling a phone number to call a friend – if you change the order of the numbers, you’ll end up calling someone else.

1. What are two things that you need to do and you have been procrastinating on them?

2. Why haven’t you acted upon them? What pain have you associated to this action in the past?

3. What pleasure have you felt in the past by giving yourself into this negative pattern?

4. What will be the price to pay if you don’t change now? What will it cost you over the next 2, 3, 5 years? What will it cost you emotionally? What about self-image? And about physical energy? Self-love? Financially? Romantic relationships?

5. How does that make you feel?

6. What pleasure will you get if you act immediately?

I would love to read about what showed up for you. Would you like to share some insights you may have had? I would love to read them. Comment below and I'll get back to you.

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My Relationship With Weight

My battle with weight began when I was around 16. I have never been too obese but I was definitely overweight. No matter how many people would tell me I looked good, I didn’t feel good at all, either about the way I looked or about the way I felt.

I would engage in crazy gym challenges and diets and, needless to say, it only worked out for a short period of time. And then, everything would start all over again.

I won’t go into the guilt or the shame that battle brought along. That’s not the reason I’m writing this.

Back in 2015, I started doing some major spiritual and self-development healing work on myself, and around that time, after hitting a threshold of physical pain in my joints, I could hear my body shouting out loud that it was time for a deep change.

I could feel this time the decision was coming from a totally different place inside of me… I was certain I was going to change!

And I did! I started taking care of the food I would put in my body, and I started to feel awesome, lighter and more energised than ever. The joint pain completely disappeared, and I could move my body in ways that I couldn’t before. 

I was feeling AMAZING! Had I finally owned this? Was it really possible? I was so HAPPY!

In January 2017, I had a surgery to an epigastric hernia, and it didn’t take long for me to realise I was going back to the old patterns, and I was bullshitting myself with a bunch of excuses to eat some cookies late in the evening, or even to have some chips twice a week.

My belly started getting bigger (I don’t know about you, but for me it’s always the belly!) and I would fool myself telling myself that it was due to the hernia surgery. 

There was a thought running over and over in my mind - “NOT AGAIN!”
And the more I heard it, the more I didn’t want to look at it, and the more cookies I felt like eating. (By the way, I would make sure the cookies were the healthy kind of cookies, fooling myself that those were not a big deal.)

One day, with love, no judgement whatsoever, and as curious as I could be, I decided it was time to go deeper to find out the real root of this, since it was clear I was not healed yet.

I knew that in this internal system of making decisions there should be a belief that was making me sabotage my outcome. 

Sitting outside, with the help of Tony Robbins’ book Awaken the Giant Within, EUREKA! I had a f*cking breakthrough, and then others followed! (Wow … multiple breakthroughs?! Oh… yes, there’s more than just multiple orgasms! ;) )

I realised I took a lot of pleasure out of the process of losing weight. It gave me a challenge to pursue, and I would get an immense sense of accomplishment and big achievement in succeeding at losing weight. Now… guess what? You got it! For me to be able to engage in that challenge of losing weight, to begin with I would need to have weight to lose.  I would put on weight to engage in the process of being successful at losing it afterwards (how fucked up is that?!).

And then, another breakthrough… Succeeding at losing weight would make me feel really significant! Others would notice me and the weight loss, and they would tell me “Oh, you lost weight!” or “Hum, you look thinner!”, but what I would hear them say was “you look awesome”, “you look pretty”.

But deep down what that really meant was — “I SEE YOU!”

BOOOMMMM… another massive breakthrough hitting me hard.
I had created this belief that others would never see me, that I was unnoticeable! So, I ended up finding a way to have people look at me.

You see, my sister, who is one year younger than me, is so beautiful and for as long as I can remember being a child, every time we would go anywhere with our parents, everybody would look at her, and comment on how beautiful she was and how beautiful her eyes were. Hardly ever anyone would notice me and when they did, they would turn to me in second place, and say “oh… and you… you are beautiful too”. (Today I imagine myself showing them the finger! ;) )

I was only 2 or 3 years old (yes, I know… I have a great memory… and I can go even further back in time – amazing what babies can remember, right?) and that was how I perceived and experienced the events; that was the meaning I gave to them, and from there I made a decision, and soon a limiting belief was born.

And as time went by, life made sure to provide me enough evidence to prove me that I was right. That’s what beliefs do. I had become the creator of a self-fulfilling prophecy! 

Now that I uncovered the root cause, healing can finally begin!

Me and my sister :)

If you are curious about the questions that helped me uncover this story, or if there’s something you want to change in your life, I share more in my other article.

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Are You A Prisoner Of Worry?

Many times we let ourselves be caught in the depression of an illusion.

Many times we are worried or sad about something that has not even happened yet, and may well never do. Yet, because we get trapped inside our heads, listening to the thoughts and to the story around them, we get caught into living an illusion.

While trapped in that hallucinating world, we are missing out on our present moment, our reality. We miss out on living our real life for the exchange of our imaginary hallucinating one. Have you ever thought about that?

Well, while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, who is really living your actual life?

And while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, who are you leaving behind?

And while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, what and who are you missing out?

And while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, what are you really not living?

Budha once said "your problem is that you think you have time".

WE NEED TO REMEMBER OUR MORTALITY!

Here's a poem I wrote just last week while experiencing this specific situation in my own life.

“THOUGHTS ARE THIEVES

A Spring evening
You & I
Together…

I’m there,
You’re not!
My eyes see you
yet my soul feels you not.

You’re trapped inside your head
Locked in that cage
Believing your thoughts...
Hallucinating.

Nothing but a story those thoughts tell you,
Nothing but a lie,
Nothing but an illusion…
Still, so real to you!

The possibility of pain
Becomes pain itself.

Thoughts are thieves
Stealing you from your real life
Stealing you from me
Keeping you locked
Inside that hallucinating world.

Thoughts make you think you have time.
Thoughts don’t die.
We do!

”

— Teresa Pimenta

What about you? Do you find yourself being stolen and taken away by your thoughts? I would love to hear from you. Share in the comments!

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What in you needs to die so that you can be FREE?

In moments of blissful experiences or painful emotional depth, sometimes I write. I'm not a writer but I write!

Either to celebrate or to heal, I need that intensity. Staying at a surface level for me is more like being emotionally numb. That's just how I know myself... Diving deeper makes me feel more alive than ever. That's how I ravish my soul! 

You may agree that it is somewhat easy to understand why one would celebrate and intensify the blissful moments life offers us once in a while, right?

But... why would someone intensify their pain?

For many many years, I have rejected pain with all my strength until I realised that the healing only happens when I really sit down quietly with that pain.

Well, don't get me wrong! There was nothing silent about those deep painful moments (I screamed and shouted like hell!!!). By quietly I mean to sit and listen to the screaming and the yelling... to hold space for the pain… to sit so quietly that I could even hear my heart weeping.

In that intensity I would just run out of any strength, and I would finally surrender and give in. Only in that moment… that exact moment when I gave in to fighting the pain — that was the moment the healing did begin.

In one of those deep, painful and transformational moments a poem was born as part of the healing process itself. As words were rushing to the paper, I could feel the pain increasing inside. But for me, intensifying the pain is a bit like connecting at a deeper soul level within myself.

The deeper I feel, the deeper I can heal!

As strange as it may seem, making pain so unbearable by intensifying it, that just gives me the rush and the leverage I need to get out of that painful situation faster. That day, the ME I had known for years had to die, so that I could be reborn into a free untethered wild spirit.

Today, I am ready to share that poem with the world.

“She-Wolf

Wounded she-wolf…

Suspicious,
Cautious,
Searching for a safe path
Among the ferocious traps
Of the unknown road called Surrender.

Desperate,
She looks for the healing to her deep wounds.

Unable to hear the whisper of her soul
She takes refuge.

Despair and pain take over her…

Disoriented and confused,
She dives into cutting and ripping pathways
Tearing her off to pieces
Leaving her entire soul
Vulnerably laying in the open sky.

She is shattered into
Small mirrored pieces,
Ruins impossible to recompose.

Everything in her dies!

Her soul weeps and digs deeper,
Nourishing herself
From the stream of her own tears.

May she be reborn now
A strong she-wolf!

May she sprout wise and confident
Pure and wild
Exuberant
No tethers

Free!
”

— Teresa Pimenta

What about you? Do you stay in the pain to heal? How do you go through painful moments? Do you also need this emotional intensity? Write in the comments. I would love to read it!

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Because this was originally written in Portuguese, I share below the original version with all the Portuguese readers. 

Loba

Loba Ferida,
Desconfiada,
Cautelosa,
Procura caminho seguro
Por entre as armadilhas ferozes
Da estrada chamada Entrega.

Desesperada,
Procura a cura para as suas feridas.

Incapaz de ouvir o discurso da sua alma,
Refugia-se!

O desespero e a dor tomam conta dela!

Desorientada,
Mergulha em caminhos dilacerantes
Rasgando-a até à alma.

Desfaz-se
Em pedaços espelhados,
Ruínas impossíveis de recompor.

Toda ela morre!

Sua alma escava bem fundo,
Nutre-se do regato das suas lágrimas.

Que renasça agora
Uma loba forte.
Que brote sábia e confiante
Pura e selvagem.

Exuberante,

Sem amarras,

Livre!

- Teresa Pimenta

A Small Rock & a Life Lesson on SUCCESS

That day, the Spring sun was shining and I felt like going into nature. After driving for 15 minutes, we ended up on the side of the river. People were already sunbathing, kids were playing in the water, dogs were swimming and chasing balls. And we were just stopping by, no bathing suit nor towel... only my deep desire to go and be near the water.

Gui (10) was having fun throwing small rocks into the river, and he soon decided to raise the bar. He went on a mission to take out a hand sized rock that was stuck under the earth.  After a quick look around, he grabbed a tiny nail sized rock, and started digging around the bigger one. He dug for quite some time, and the big rock was getting more and more exposed. I could tell he would be able to grab it and pull it out shortly.

So, there I was, with these thoughts in my head when I hear:

— Mum, I quit!

Life, being a great teacher, was presenting me with an opportunity to teach him something really powerful about life and the challenges it brings us.

And so I tell him:

— After spending so much time digging and putting so much effort on that challenge, are you going to quit now? Did you know that usually when we quit something, we are only 2 millimetres away from achieving our goal? Let's try something! You go back in there, and just keep digging for 2 more minutes, and let's see what happens.

Shortly after, he triumphantly raised the rock, and threw it into the river.

You see, in life it's never the lack of resources that stops you from successfully achieving your goals and making your dreams come true. RESOURCEFULNESS IS THE KEY!

Knowing his outcome, being creative to use that nail sized rock as a digging tool, being persistent, staying consistent and being resilient enough to not give up on his desired outcome — All of it, allowed him to achieve his goal.

We excitedly celebrated his success, rewarding his determination. And do you know what happened next? He dared to dream bigger! He then went for a really big rock, found himself a thick sharpened stick as a tool, and went on a new mission — and this time he didn't even consider giving up.

In life, small successes take us closer to bigger dreams.

When you feel like quitting, usually you are only 2 mm away from succeeding at whatever outcome you are going after. Get really clear on your outcome, become a really resourceful person, and keep on following those dreams of yours!

Actual photo of his mission

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The Question That Shaped My Life

Back in December 2016, I was at Tony Robbins’s six-day seminar in Florida, Date with Destiny and there I had A LOT of breakthroughs (another word for that would be insight). For those of you who have not been to a TR event or haven’t heard much about him, the best thing you can do to understand what he is truly about is to watch the documentary I’m Not Your Guru on Netflix.

One of the countless things I’ve learned from Tony Robbins is that QUESTIONS determine your focus, and what you focus on is what you experience and what you get from life.

So, today I want to tell you about a major aha moment I had with what he calls the PRIMARY QUESTION.

A Primary Question is a dominant question you ask yourself on a consistent basis, and that filters your thinking (conscious and unconscious). It’s a question that pops up constantly across contexts. Even if you aren’t consciously aware of it, you believe that if you live by this question, you will feel ultimate success, pleasure and fulfilment. Your identity is often tied to this question. You experience life through the lenses of it.

Now that you know what a primary question is, let me share with you what MY primary question has been for 44 years.

I have lived my life through the lens of this question — “How can I make this better?”.

For me, life, in all its areas, was always about improving, making better, making more effective, more inspirational, more impactful. I was always looking for ways to make anything, I mean, ANYTHING better.

The magical thing about having a “aha” moment with Tony Robbins is that he always makes sure you find the higher intent behind any of your behaviour / decision / emotion. So, not only was I able to uncover that primary question, but to also see both the benefits and the downsides of it.

As TR also teaches us, first let’s go for the UPSIDES of that. What were the empowering effects that came about for asking that question? What did that question do for me?

Well, here’s what I found out: to consistently ask myself that question, I believed that there’s always a better way; that there’s always space for improvement; that change is needed, and that change is something positive. I learned not to settle, to become more creative and more determined.

And what about the DOWNSIDES? What did that cost me?

I must confess this was a very deep and emotional moment. When I was face to face with the truth of it, I cried as I became aware that I was always too hard on myself, always demanding too much from me; I didn’t enjoy being myself because I was always looking for ways to make ME better, and that means in some moments I was making ME wrong.

I would always try to “fix” others and make them better, as if there was anything wrong with them… Can you imagine how I have made people feel in the past? OMG, so many things I did wrong with my kids and my relationships. It’s a fact that what I did to myself I would do to others. I know I did the best I could with the resources I had but it hurt like hell to think about the pain I caused, especially to my kids.

TR helped me find out WHY I had that as my primary question.

For some reason (well, like I said I had a lot of breakthroughs, so I know the reason, but I’ll tell you about that in another post) I had this belief that if I didn’t make things better, more inspirational, more impactful, etc., people wouldn’t notice me, I would be unseen, which means I would be ignored, which means I would be insignificant, which means I wouldn’t be loved.

What a scary frightened little girl there was living inside of me!

So now, I cherish and nurture that part of me, the scary one, the one looking for love and significance. And I also forgave myself for the pain I caused to my kids.

If we are always looking for ways to make things/people better, we are not allowing space for things/people to be just the way they are.

Many times, WE just want to be loved, THEY just want to be loved, I just want to be loved… unconditionally loved, being imperfectly perfect.

And there are moments that we just need to BE and not DO. After all, are we human beings or human doings?

So… I am so thrilled and excited to share with you my NEW Primary Question –

“How can I appreciate even more the beauty and the perfection of what is in this present moment, trusting that I am always guided?”

Can you imagine how different my life will be having this question as a filtering lens?

Now, I’m curious to know…

What is a question you repeatedly ask yourself? What do you consistently focus on? What question do you ask most often based on this focus?

It’s my deepest wish that this story may help you in some way, and I would love to know what your primary question is. So, please leave your comment below.

And remember, YOU are imperfectly perfect.

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If Fear Was A Pokemon

How do you talk about FEAR to a 9-year-old?

The other day I had to talk about FEAR with my son, and it required me to get creative. I could not definitely talk to him about fear the way I talk to my clients.

Gui came home after school feeling really scared. This was not usual, and so I got curious about it and stayed vigilant. It didn’t take long to find out that another boy from his class had taken a book to school which was about ghosts and horror stories.

Gui was feeling so scared that he didn't even want to walk in the dark areas of the house. So, that evening I decided to join him as he was brushing his teeth before going to bed. I could see fear was really playing a big role that night, and so I asked him, in a very curious tone of voice:

— Gui, if fear was a Pokémon, what Pokémon would it be?

(Let me just add here that I know NOTHING about Pokémons except that he is CRAZY about that!)

He was somewhat surprised by my question, so I repeated it.

— Gastly, mum. (I had to first learn to say the name because he was saying it HIS way)

As I said before, I know nothing about Pokémons but I remembered something that could be really useful. Over the last years there's a word I've been correcting him on, because of the way he pronounces it, and that word is EVOLUTION. So, I knew that Pokémons have evolutions, and that was just what I needed for me to be able to talk to him about FEAR.

After exploring with him a bit of the story of "Gastly", the FEAR Pokémon, he told me its evolution was "Haunter" (a really suitable name, I might say!), and this also had another evolution, called "Gengar". Well, this post is not about Pokémons, but bear with me… there’s a lesson in here.

Now that I had gained his trust, and I was really listening to a subject that he adores (and to which I had never paid attention before), I had won the right and the space to do my own magic.

Does fear start really strong? Does fear evolve into a much stronger version of itself, like pókemons do? SURE! How? By feeding it, believing in it, allowing it to take control over our lives, stopping us from taking action on our dreams, our goals, or whatever it is that we want to do with (or in) our lives.

I heard Tony Robbins say at Unleash the Power Within, "kill the monster before it turns into a F**king Godzilla".

And how do we kill the monster? Taking action! Feel the fear but do it anyway!

So, there I was, putting my boy to sleep, but not before I ask him to pick up the Gameboy (or something of that type that his cousin lent him) and to show me those pókemons. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing… I could almost hear him thinking “my mum wants ME to play, and SHE wants to see it?”

He was so excited to be showing me the game he loves, and which I understand nothing of. And then I ask him:

— Gui, who decides if the Pokémon evolves or not? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— If the Pokémon has evolved to its last evolution, who is more powerful? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— Who is playing the game? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— Who has the power to shut this game off? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— The same with FEAR my son! You see it, you feel it but YOU are in charge, YOU are playing the game, not fear. But, like the Pokémons, the more you feed it, the more attention you pay to it, the stronger it will become. We don't want fear to become "Gengar"... we want to deal with fear while it's still "Gastly". And Gastly is an important Pokémon because it keeps you safe, it makes you be watchful as you cross the street, it keeps you away from the fire… so it’s a good thing.

If you could just see the look in his eyes and his face... HE GOT IT! In less than a minute he was smiling, really courageous and empowered to go to a good night sleep, all by himself.

I kiss him goodnight, tell him I love him and as I’m leaving his room…

— Mum, can I change the name of the Pokémon? After all, fear is not that bad.

---

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Have You Loved Yourself Today?

Today I had a breakthrough! I have just experienced with full awareness how subtle this self-love thing can be and I wanted to share it with you! There's a chance that some part of this story may resonate with you, and you can get some value from it.

Last December I made great, awesome and unique friends at Tony Robbins' Date with Destiny in Florida, USA. (For those of you who don't know about Tony Robbins or if you even wonder what that event is about, I would suggest that you watch “I am Not Your Guru” on Netflix)

One of these amazing new friends, a phenomenal woman and so talented artist, Susie Suh, sent me four essential oils all the way from the USA, to help me recover faster from an epigastric hernia surgery.

When the oils arrived, she explained to me what I needed to do to apply them. So, the only thing I needed was to get some carrier oil, like coconut or almond oil (or any other), blend it with some drops of the essential oils, and massage my belly in the area where the hernia used to be.

Guess what?! It has been 6 days since those oils arrived, and I haven’t applied them yet. Why not? “I don’t have carrier oil”, I thought. “When I get it, I’ll do it!” And then I asked myself: “when are you going to buy it?”; “what are you waiting for?”

How come that woman, Susie, used her time and energy to go to the post office and send me those oils, and I wouldn’t take 5 minutes to buy the carrier oil? Did she love me more than I loved myself? This question made me tremble!

Very often, things aren’t what they seem to be. I was hiding behind the excuse that I didn’t have the carrier oil, when in fact the truth is that I was not loving myself nor making myself a priority. Why was that? And that’s when it hit me.

Even though I’ve walked a long path on this healing journey of loving myself, this is a daily process, and I can’t take it for granted or as something I can be distracted from. I need to be present! I need to be mindful, and to remind myself daily to love myself.

Being naïvely distracted from my own self is a recipe for disaster. I need to stand guard at the door of my mind while taking care of my inner garden, otherwise weeds will grow.

In the past, every time I engaged in any behaviour that would make me feel important or loved, even if it was just a glimpse of it, guilt and blame would be running the show: “who the hell do you think you are?”, “what?! Do you think you’re special?”, “what do you think makes you so fucking special?”… and it would go on and on and on…

The truth is that I wanted so badly to be loved ... So I thought I had to stay low, to be less, to play small, and without even knowing it, I was annihilating myself so deeply that my soul started aching.

Because Life is a wonderful teacher, it keeps bringing me all sorts of different situations, so that I understand how important I am, and that there’s nothing wrong about it. Life keeps showing me that there’s no reason to feel guilty for making myself a priority, and for feeling that I am important and that I do matter.

Life keeps showing me that if I think I’m not important, nothing else will ever be.

Every time I neglect my own needs, and every time I don’t love myself, I suffer. And from that suffering place, I judge others, I get angry, I get frustrated, I doubt my own capacities, my own strengths, my own inner power, my own inner voice, my soul, my spirit.

That’s when fear kicks in! That’s when the mind starts to rule my life. That’s when the mind kicks the heart out, and runs over it, shutting its voice, its truth, its wisdom. True Wisdom and True Love live only in the heart, not in the mind!

How can I think anyone else is more important than me, if we are all connected? We are not separate!

It all begins with me and in me!

I need to be the change I want to see in the world, and that’s why I am 100% committed to loving myself, cherishing myself and honouring myself, and that means loving myself unconditionally, with both the shadow and light that live within me.

Fully committed to loving myself so that I can love others, I went to buy the carrier oil and all it took was 5 minutes of my time and 1,14 euros.

What about you? Have you loved yourself today?

Let me know in the comments if this resonates with you at any point. I would love to read it!

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Life After Destroying A Limiting Belief

I'm having a BOLDNESS HANGOVER today!

This is LIFE after DESTROYING a LIMITING BELIEF!

Have you ever done something totally out of anything you would ever imagine you could do, and then afterwards you go and think "I can't believe what I just did!"? Well, that's me today!

For you to understand why this was so out of what I thought was possible for me to do, last April I went to London to one of Tony Robbins' events called Unleash the Power Within (UPW), and there we worked around 2 or 3 limiting beliefs.

Well, one of those limiting beliefs was — "Nothing of what I say has any value".

I need to let you know that I needed to check the handbook of the event because an exercise TR does (I'll tell you this story some other time!), just destroyed it completely, and I couldn't access it in my brain.

Well, guess what? Life does change when you destroy your limiting beliefs! Yesterday evening I was on a webinar being interviewed by a fellow firewalker Ben Colley, with the purpose to inspire other women. Yesterday I SPOKE UP and there were people who wanted to listen to me and my story. I am now free!

And I also realise now that our story is not ours to keep, otherwise it won't serve anyone in this world.

It was quite a raw, open and authentic interview!

Just know and be certain that once a limiting belief is destroyed, your LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! 

Tony Robbins, Amen!

BE AUTHENTIC! 

You can watch the interview here