After more than a week without meditating, sabotaging my own happiness and feeling like shit, I found myself sitting down and grabbing a pen… and out of the blue I saw the “pen” use my hand to write. I was not writing, I was being written!
Here’s what I wrote:
After so many, so many days of wandering lost inside in the foggy black empty space within myself, I am finally creating a moment to sit down, and write whatever is going through me, whether in my mind or heart.
I have been filled up with fear, frustration, disappointment and judgement towards myself. If on the one hand I have been practising loving myself and respecting myself, I have also been immersed in a space of confusion, of loss, of wanting, not wanting… totally unknown, fully blocked and massively confused.
I think about the women in the Tribe and if I am failing them, or if I am actually failing myself. It really doesn’t matter. All of that comes from a place of lack, of scarcity, because if I could trust that I am loved no matter what, then I would for sure take some time off to myself.
Funny that when my head wants to kick in, my pen tends to stop. So I will continue to write without stopping, as long as I feel like, and tap into my heart.
This place of confusion is really scary, and I can see how challenging it can be to trust the process of life. I believe trusting the process of life really means trusting myself and my energy. Will I honour my true self? What does that even really mean? Can I be ok with the fact that I may not know it? That’s so challenging for me, and I see how that has to do with the need to control things in my life, out of the fear of the unknown, and because of all the days spent under the fear storm that would break at mum’s house.
Throughout my life I have been connecting to myself through fear and anger, and that became the normal. And feeling anger would make me feel like I was a bad person, wrong, a mistake. Today, as I write and connect with (and into) my heart, I know I am so much more than that. My heart knows it! My soul knows it! I know it! It’s just that I have totally forgotten.
I tell my heart that I am afraid of being ridiculous, and my heart answers “So what?!”. WTF, I am here, crying my ass off, and my heart comes up with that answer?! Now, I can only laugh. “Laugh along! After all, you love a great laugh, don’t you?!”, my heart says.
(I take a break from writing to laugh my ass off)
Well, I must be really close to having a breakthrough!
That’s totally who I am. I am my heart, not my head. I am that humorous funny person. I know I am so much more than what my mind wants me to believe.
In the darkness of the confusion, and in the space within, I see now that ALL is possible. Without space there’s no room for creation to happen, and without darkness there’s no way light can shine bright.
I may be confused about what to do next but I am not confused about who to be. And you know what?! I am freaking amazing at the job I am doing with myself. Can I be able to love myself unconditionally?
HEART, talk to me! Tell me! What do you have to say about all this mess going on inside? What do you have to say about all this fear and this confusion inside? This uncertainty is driving me crazy! What do you really want from me? Can’t you see this isn’t good for us? Help me out here, please! What wisdom do you have for me? What can you share with me?
(And the heart spoke!)
“To start with, it’s great that you’re here and that you’re connecting! Long time no see, right, T.? You connect out of fear, and that is totally off from where I am, from where I stand, from my essence.
Thank you for showing up T.! I love it when you take the time to come and see me.
(Naturally, my eyes closed, and I, for a moment, I would be shifting from writing to going deep, and coming back to writing again.)
That’s it! Pause now! … Close your eyes! … Breathe! … Can you feel me? … Can you feel me? Can you feel the stillness?... Feel it! … don’t rush it… Stay! Stay! Stay!
See how far you’ve come, my child! I am so proud of you! You have come a long long way. Stop comparing yourself to others. You were created to stand out, and stop judging yourself for being different! Remember the feelings when you laugh? That’s YOU! That’s who you truly are, my child!
(At this point, part of me is wondering why the hell I am being addressed to as “my child”, but I decide to allow the process and not mess up with it. Maybe I felt the need to be mothered, so I stood out of the way.)
You were created to be the happy joyful embodiment of transformation, the joyful embodiment of love, wisdom and compassion. I am here always for you, but I will only come when you call me! Be yourself, my child! Be yourself, with the good and the bad! After all, who says which is which?!
Go through life living fully, feeling deeply! That’s who you are! You are an intense being! You like to feel deep! You are great at feeling deep! You know about the preciousness of life. Feel me! Feel me! Don’t go! Stay!... Breathe!… Breathe!…
I hear you, my child. I know you are scared and that’s ok! After all, you don’t remember who you truly are, who you really are. That’s ok! And still, you have been doing a great job!
Why are you crying, my child? Do you feel lonely? I can feel you do, and that’s ok too. But if you connect to me, you can never feel lonely. Can you feel me? Can you feel me?
Are you really crying because you feel lonely or because you are feeling loved unconditionally right now?
I can hear what you’re thinking, and YES, it can be that simple. It is that simple! You are breath, you are love, you are pure energy living under the illusion that is someone else, something else that has a great big purpose in life.
You are the purpose, my child! You are the meaning! You are life!
Show me what you see! Show me what you feel! Show me life through you! Let me breathe you!
Keep laughing, my child! Keep dancing, my child, because through you, I experience joy and happiness and bliss. Keep crying, my child, because I feel the sadness so deeply. You are so good at feeling! You may be confused sometimes but I’m not! I always feel and know what you are feeling.
I heard you just now! You want to know what I want from you? I want to feel life through your own eyes, feel life through your own heart, and experience the bliss in your smile and laughter.
I hear you, my child! You say you’re tired. That’s ok! You can rest. You can relax. You have been too hard on yourself. I have never asked you to do all of those things you do… My child, you are special, you are precious, and you have come such a long way… and I am so proud of you!
Relax now! There’s nothing for you to do right now … just be here with me as I cradle you, my child.
You have become this courageous woman, and this wonderful human being (yeah, I heard that… you wanted to say leader, didn’t you?!) and … ok… you are your own leader… leading your life, your experiences, your emotions…
Lead the way, my child, lead your way! I’m right here! I’ll be right here!
One breath away… one breath away… one breath…
I love you!”
If you would take a moment to close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths in, connect to your heart and express your fears and worries to your heart, what would your heart say to you?
Go ahead, do that! I’ll wait ;) And then come back and share in the comments what came up for you. I’d love to hear from you.
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