The Day I Met And Channeled Kali For The First Time

Do you know who Kali is?
Well, I have to tell you that I didn’t know anything about her until this very experience that I’m about to share with you. Not her name, not her story, not her picture, nothing!! Nothing at all!

What a mind-blowing experience this was while surrendering myself into an act of creation!

It was a cold afternoon and I felt like drawing or painting… not quite sure what to do but my hands surely felt like creating something. As I sat by the table with my brand-new fancy markers and a white sheet of paper, I start to wonder what I feel like drawing. Bad idea! When connecting to your intuition, you don’t wonder. You feel and you connect!

I checked my favourite pictures looking for inspiration, all the hearts and mandalas on my Pinterest albums. I was still in my head trying to figure out what I wanted to draw and to create. Don’t get me wrong, please. I am no drawing artist myself but when my hands want to create, I allow them to, even if it’s to draw a heart or a tree.

My hands wanted to move but my head and my thoughts were still in the way of the creation. I draw the shape of a heart and it really looks pretty (hearts are always pretty to me) and yet it feels so wrong. I get another sheet of paper and draw another round shape, which looks like I’m about to create a face but… NOPE, it’s not that either.

What a fool I didn’t know I was being! I had no clue that I was about to be drawn and not to draw. I was about to find out that something wanted to be born through me as I stepped into a place of being totally willing and open to trust the process. My mind wasn’t in control anymore!

I close my eyes, take some deep breaths, connect to my body, get myself another white sheet of paper, hit play on one of my playlists and then… all of a sudden, out of the blue, it begins to unfold.

I draw half of the upper body of a woman and what seemed like a big dress and from then on, I would fully surrender and immerse myself into a deep experience of feeling the shame of being a woman, the guilt and judgement of desiring sex, the fraud of not standing in my own power and my own truth.

My hands move alone, the images come to me and I don’t even know where they’re coming from. It’s as if something is wanting to speak to me and I decide to trust the process and go along with it. I really don’t have to understand it! My mind really wants to, but I don’t!

There’s a sweetness and a loving side to this energy coming to life in that paper, a side of her that seems to be betrayed and misunderstood, which made her rise up as this furious, enraged, powerful and fierce destroyer.

Throughout the whole process, there were some moments that really screamed out to me because they were very intense and I could feel them in my body, in the fast rhythm of my breath, in the tears rolling down my face, and in the rage and fear I was feeling inside.

The moment my pencil marks a spot in the yoni area, I am in shock and I can’t believe my eyes as I witness my hand doing it! In that moment, I could feel an intensifying strength in my arm that kept marking it really hard as she was saying to me:

“Yes! YES! There! It’s there! Own it! That’s really it! Don’t question! Don’t doubt! Don’t run away! That’s right there!”.

My hand keeps the pencil hitting that spot in the paper. I hit the pencil so hard and the energy is so intense that it almost seems I’ll be tearing off the paper. And in that moment, she starts to bleed — a river of blood, a volcanic explosion of blood that would go right to the centre of the earth bathing innumerable skulls which I refused to draw. That drawing was surely becoming too weird for me and since I’m not a drawing artist, I chose to skip drawing pilled bones and skulls.

Well, I could refuse to draw for sure but it surely wasn’t stopping there. Whatever was happening and whoever was creating that drawing, was hell yeah determined to make her point, to be seen and to be heard.

And from there, all of a sudden, I feel this sensation of being invaded by a wooden stick that would penetrate me through my vagina all the way up to my heart and throat, feeling like I was being crossed over from one side to the other. As this happened, I saw glimpses of men penetrating women as they raped them. From there, this huge rage began to build up inside of me and what was once painful and invasive, became a life force running through her, through me, from her yoni all the way up to her heart and throat.

And she spoke! OMG, she was speaking! I could hear her speaking to the men:
”How dare you doing this to me? I give you life! I feed you! I nurture you!”
“I will kill you all!”
“You will ALL die!”

And a deep roar of suffering reached out into the skies as I listened to her howling “NOooooooo!”

She was not only speaking to men but she was also speaking to me. You know, she wanted me to draw her with her legs fully and wide spread. Very timidly, I draw them spread, but she insisted that they were meant to be FULLY wide open.

And she spoke:
“Open them! Don’t be afraid! Don’t be ashamed! Hide no more! Own the fullness of you! Stand tall! Stand strong!”.

She wasn’t happy yet and so she kept going:
“Open up! Open up! Wider! Wider! Let them see ALL of you! Fear no more! Fear no more! Own yourself! Hide nothing! Fear nothing! Fully, fully open! Don’t you hear me?”.

I could hear her for sure! There’s no question about it! I was shaking all over and I drew her legs wider but it wasn’t enough yet. She wasn’t going to stop for sure. She had a message she wanted to make come across and she was going to do it no matter what. Was I up to the challenge? I was crying my eyes out, my hands were sweating and my whole body was shaking. There was no turning back and, in that moment, I decide that I might as well surrender fully to the process.

She went on:
“Don’t you hear me? I said OPEN UP! FULLY OPEN UP! I mean FULLY… FULLY, FULLY OPEN UP! Open until you feel you are breaking and tearing yourself apart! I am going to turn your world upside down!”

I have to pause. I cry and I shake to the bones! Every cell in my body is shaking.

And I am sitting there wondering “Who the hell is this image which not only happens to be blue (go figure) but she also looks like she has lots of arms?”. I was part of the Rewilding Group founded by Sabrina Lynn so I asked if they knew what that could be about, and they were all unanimous — KALI!

Well, it looks like I had an encounter with Kali! Still to this day I haven’t done any research on Kali, except for googling her image when the women told me it was her, to find my jaw dropping to the floor when I saw the similarity of what I saw in my experience and what google was showing me.

Research? What for? More food to the mind? Nope!
I felt her! I heard her! I sensed her! I saw her! I experienced her! She is me! I am her!
That’s good enough for me!

TODAY, one year later, I can tell you this — she did turn my world upside down!

Hit the Play Button to listen to me sharing the channelling with the women from Rewilding.

---

Loving Soulful Code Of Conduct

I am a big fan of Iyanla Vanzant’s work which has stirred things up quite a bit for me. I have grown so much from reading her books and doing the work she invites us in.

At the moment I am working through her book “In The Meantime” and I have been doing deep inner work with it.

There’s a section in the book which she refers to as the “Loving Behaviour Reference” that I would like to share here with you. At a first glance it may seem just another list but if you take the time to sit with it, you may come to realise that this is QUITE a CHALLENGING list.

For me, I see it and I feel it as being more of a Loving Soulful Code Of Conduct.

Here it is, quoting her:


♥ Ask for exactly what you want.

♥ Tell the absolute truth about what you want.

♥ Clearly let others involved know your expectations of them.

♥ Ask for clarity about what is expected of you.

♥ Tell the absolute truth about your ability to live up to the expectations of others.

♥ Renegotiate any agreements you have made if you find that you’re unable to keep the agreement.

♥ Honor what you feel, first to yourself, then to others around you.

♥ Remain open to hearing what others want and expect without feeling you have to do anything about it.

♥ Never dishonor or deny yourself or what you feel simply to please someone else.

♥ Be willing to surrender (give up) what you want or expect when surrendering it serves a greater purpose, such as healing or generating more love.

♥ Be willing to forgive people for the things they do or fail to do in fear or anger.

♥ Be willing to forgive yourself for the things you do in fear or in anger.

♥ Bless every experience and ask that Divine will and understanding be granted to you and others.

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Surrender Into Trust

It was December 2016, and I had just come back from a mind-blowing, life-changing and earth shattering 6-day event called Date with Destiny, with Tony Robbins, in Florida.

I arrived in Florida with FREEDOM as my top value, and I came home having FAITH at the top of my list. This was very unfamiliar to me, and I had no idea how that would play out in my life, but I was willing to go for it. I knew that the things that came up for me in that event, came from a deeper place within myself… one that only then was I starting to navigate and explore.

Because a lot was happening in my life at the time, with many challenges and changes taking place, even if it was for just this one time, I was willing to pay the price to honour a deeper truth in me.

Being someone who feels deeply called to serve, in that event I made the decision to embrace a very specific role. I am talking about my role as God’s Puppet. That’s right… God’s Puppet! After all, this life is God’s show, right? And by God, I mean Source, Consciousness, Universe, Spirit… (feel free to choose a word that works for you).  

Let me just start by saying that, when I first deeply felt the calling into that role, the ego in me hated it. It totally hated it! I mean, it REALLY hated it, and went on a hysterical rant: “What do you mean god’s puppet?”; “Who the hell wants to be a puppet?”; “OMG, that’s such a loser role to have in life!”; “You’ll never be free, as you so much desire”…

Would I dare to trust my own intuition?
Yes, I would! And … Yes, I did!

I also have to say that, when I decided I would embrace that role, and that I was willing to “play along” with it, I knew nothing about what it meant. I honestly had no clue whatsoever. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I only knew it felt right! It felt so right, and so damn scary, at the same time.

At the time, I wasn’t aware that I would have to get out of my own way many times (if not most of the times). And by “I”, I mean the ego part of me that was so damn unpleased with my decision. But, again… what else was there to expect, considering the ego’s resistance, right?

The ego kept bugging me for quite a long time, wanting me to believe that the role of God’s Puppet was the opposite of what I really wanted. It kept telling me a bunch of stories, of how it was a weak place to be, and how it was a role for losers. Well, it may seem so, and I can see how me surrendering into that idea, actually meant the weakening of the ego.

Embodying the role of God’s Puppet isn’t a piece of cake. Not at all!!! I can now see how challenging it is. So, what is this role about? What does it mean to be God’s Puppet? After two years embracing this role, here’s what I can say…

Being God’s Puppet means showing up fully open to whatever this Higher Intelligence is trying to weave through me, surrendering to whatever Spirit is trying to make happen through me.

Being God’s Puppet means accepting, not resisting, relaxing, ALLOWING. It means being ok with not knowing, being present in the now, being willing to make mistakes. It means being ok with resisting, and fall off track at being God’s Puppet (if that’s even ever possible).

It means being compassionate with myself and others. It means daring to have childlike faith and curiosity again, allowing myself to be surprised. It means practising accepting, and being familiar with change.

Being God’s Puppet means that I am strengthening the belief that everything is already perfect. It means to be willing to let the stories and ideas about myself disappear.

It means I am willing to let the illusion of who I think I am die!

I become aware of the ego’s panic attacks, as I surrender more and more into being fully guided, and allow myself to be in awe at the perfection and wonders of this mysterious and abundant universe we live in.

Can you imagine what a show it would be if I decided I wanted to walk, and God had planning some dancing for me? That would be a very funny disastrous show to watch, don’t you think so?

And the issue is not so much about the disastrous show, that we could all laugh about. (After all, laughing is such a great medicine!) It’s more about how much effort I would really be putting at walking, having God moving me to dance. That would be like swimming up the stream, instead of allowing the stream to take me.

Well, I believe that’s what happens with us many times, when we resist whatever is that life is bringing our way. That’s what happens every time we insist on creating goals that really don’t serve us, or don’t align with our truth, and really limit us to walking, instead of dancing.

So, where are you resisting life?

Me at Date with Destiny (Florida, US) as I was moving towards this decision.

What if messing up is succeeding?

If you are any little bit like me, my guess is that you find yourself over and over again coming back to a place you thought you had already mastered, and you wouldn’t be messing up that one again. It can be a relationship, body issues, eating habits… actually it can be anything. And then you beat yourself up, and get caught in the net of the unproductive “why can’t I” will-take-you-nowhere mantra.

Does this ever happen to you? I know it does happen to me.

In life, many many times we don't get things right, either on the 1st round, or the 2nd or even the 3rd or ... (ok, enough! You know what I mean, right?!). We mess up and we mess up like pros! Or maybe not!!!!

What if we aren’t really messing up? What if we are indeed succeeding?

Life is like flying an airplane. Did you know that a plane is off course over 90% of the time? Due to weather conditions, turbulence, and other factors, it gets off track, and it is the pilot who makes course corrections and keeps coming back to the flight plan, bringing the plane back on course. The same happens with our lives.

If we see every instant of life as an opportunity to grow, instead of beating ourselves up thinking we failed; if we see every challenge life throws at us as a chance to upgrade ourselves, instead of dumping a whole bunch of shitty judgements all over ourselves; if we can take a setback as a moment to make course corrections when we find ourselves off track, then we may discover that life is not about Balance but instead, it is about BALANCING.

Life is dynamic, not static. Life is change, not permanence. Life is a VERB, not a noun.  

This version of me wouldn't be possible without the former version of me. And neither of them is better or worse than the other... They build on each other, as we step into the greater version of ourselves, as we remove the excess of the marble until the final masterpiece we already are is revealed to us.

We are not a masterpiece in the making. We are a masterpiece in the unfolding!

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My Soul Screamed And A New Woman Was Born

There are moments in my life which I can't really explain to others how much those moments impact me.

I have been told to be a "too much" woman, and to feel "too much".  I used to believe that, and to judge myself for that. Today, I embrace that as a gift, because the most simple things in life can make me feel blissful, and can also shake me to the core, and make me feel more alive than ever.

Today I want to share with you one of those moments, which happened a couple of years ago, more precisely in 2014, when the intense journey into knowing myself really began.

For the most sceptical ones let's say it was a coincidence ;)

A poem crossed my path, and as I read it, I found myself gasping for air, reaching out for a breath that I felt was being taken away from me.

I was shaken to my bones, the cells in my body vibrated, and my SOUL screamed.

I have read somewhere that the soul whispers but that day my soul screamed louder than my pain, and I heard her for the first time. I guess my soul got tired of whispering, and me never listening to her. Maybe she figured out I had hearing problems (insert any kind of laughter you wish here, as I am laughing at myself right now! LOL)

It really doesn't even matter the reason why. What matters is that that day, reading that poem, I really felt ME, an unknown part of myself was shown to me, a part which I had never acknowledged, and didn't even imagine existed.

That poem struck me so deep down to my core, shook me inside out, ripped me off, and…

For the first time in my life, I knew with every cell in my body that I didn’t love myself.

And I cried ... 

And I cried ...

And I cried ... 

And as I allowed the tears to roll down my face, without even knowing it, I was creating the space for a different woman to be born that day.

That day I promised myself that my garden would never be forgotten and dead ever again. 

This was the poem:

“The wind, one brilliant day, called
to my soul with an odor of jasmine. 

”In return for the odor of my jasmine, 
I’d like all the odor of your roses.” 

”I have no roses; all the flowers
in my garden are dead.” 

”Well then, I’ll take the withered petals
and the yellow leaves and the waters of the fountain.” 

The wind left.  And I wept.  And I said to myself: 
”What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?””

— Antonio Machado

How have you been taking care of your garden?

Drop me a comment as I would love to hear from you how this poem resonated with you or not. What did it bring out for you?

Myself!

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Unedited Conversation With My Heart

After more than a week without meditating, sabotaging my own happiness and feeling like shit, I found myself sitting down and grabbing a pen… and out of the blue I saw the “pen” use my hand to write. I was not writing, I was being written!

Here’s what I wrote:

After so many, so many days of wandering lost inside in the foggy black empty space within myself, I am finally creating a moment to sit down, and write whatever is going through me, whether in my mind or heart.

I have been filled up with fear, frustration, disappointment and judgement towards myself. If on the one hand I have been practising loving myself and respecting myself, I have also been immersed in a space of confusion, of loss, of wanting, not wanting… totally unknown, fully blocked and massively confused.

I think about the women in the Tribe and if I am failing them, or if I am actually failing myself. It really doesn’t matter. All of that comes from a place of lack, of scarcity, because if I could trust that I am loved no matter what, then I would for sure take some time off to myself.

Funny that when my head wants to kick in, my pen tends to stop. So I will continue to write without stopping, as long as I feel like, and tap into my heart.

This place of confusion is really scary, and I can see how challenging it can be to trust the process of life. I believe trusting the process of life really means trusting myself and my energy. Will I honour my true self? What does that even really mean? Can I be ok with the fact that I may not know it? That’s so challenging for me, and I see how that has to do with the need to control things in my life, out of the fear of the unknown, and because of all the days spent under the fear storm that would break at mum’s house.

Throughout my life I have been connecting to myself through fear and anger, and that became the normal. And feeling anger would make me feel like I was a bad person, wrong, a mistake. Today, as I write and connect with (and into) my heart, I know I am so much more than that. My heart knows it! My soul knows it! I know it! It’s just that I have totally forgotten.

I tell my heart that I am afraid of being ridiculous, and my heart answers “So what?!”. WTF, I am here, crying my ass off, and my heart comes up with that answer?! Now, I can only laugh. “Laugh along! After all, you love a great laugh, don’t you?!”, my heart says.

(I take a break from writing to laugh my ass off)

Well, I must be really close to having a breakthrough!

That’s totally who I am. I am my heart, not my head. I am that humorous funny person. I know I am so much more than what my mind wants me to believe.

In the darkness of the confusion, and in the space within, I see now that ALL is possible. Without space there’s no room for creation to happen, and without darkness there’s no way light can shine bright.

I may be confused about what to do next but I am not confused about who to be. And you know what?! I am freaking amazing at the job I am doing with myself. Can I be able to love myself unconditionally?

HEART, talk to me! Tell me! What do you have to say about all this mess going on inside? What do you have to say about all this fear and this confusion inside? This uncertainty is driving me crazy! What do you really want from me? Can’t you see this isn’t good for us? Help me out here, please! What wisdom do you have for me? What can you share with me?

(And the heart spoke!)

“To start with, it’s great that you’re here and that you’re connecting! Long time no see, right, T.? You connect out of fear, and that is totally off from where I am, from where I stand, from my essence.

Thank you for showing up T.! I love it when you take the time to come and see me.

(Naturally, my eyes closed, and I, for a moment, I would be shifting from writing to going deep, and coming back to writing again.)

That’s it! Pause now! … Close your eyes! … Breathe! … Can you feel me? … Can you feel me? Can you feel the stillness?... Feel it! … don’t rush it… Stay! Stay! Stay!

See how far you’ve come, my child! I am so proud of you! You have come a long long way. Stop comparing yourself to others. You were created to stand out, and stop judging yourself for being different! Remember the feelings when you laugh? That’s YOU! That’s who you truly are, my child!

(At this point, part of me is wondering why the hell I am being addressed to as “my child”, but I decide to allow the process and not mess up with it. Maybe I felt the need to be mothered, so I stood out of the way.)

You were created to be the happy joyful embodiment of transformation, the joyful embodiment of love, wisdom and compassion.  I am here always for you, but I will only come when you call me! Be yourself, my child! Be yourself, with the good and the bad! After all, who says which is which?!

Go through life living fully, feeling deeply! That’s who you are! You are an intense being! You like to feel deep! You are great at feeling deep! You know about the preciousness of life. Feel me! Feel me! Don’t go! Stay!... Breathe!… Breathe!…

I hear you, my child. I know you are scared and that’s ok! After all, you don’t remember who you truly are, who you really are. That’s ok! And still, you have been doing a great job!

Why are you crying, my child? Do you feel lonely? I can feel you do, and that’s ok too. But if you connect to me, you can never feel lonely. Can you feel me? Can you feel me?

Are you really crying because you feel lonely or because you are feeling loved unconditionally right now?

I can hear what you’re thinking, and YES, it can be that simple. It is that simple! You are breath, you are love, you are pure energy living under the illusion that is someone else, something else that has a great big purpose in life.

You are the purpose, my child! You are the meaning! You are life!

Show me what you see! Show me what you feel! Show me life through you! Let me breathe you!

Keep laughing, my child! Keep dancing, my child, because through you, I experience joy and happiness and bliss. Keep crying, my child, because I feel the sadness so deeply. You are so good at feeling! You may be confused sometimes but I’m not! I always feel and know what you are feeling.

I heard you just now! You want to know what I want from you? I want to feel life through your own eyes, feel life through your own heart, and experience the bliss in your smile and laughter.

I hear you, my child! You say you’re tired. That’s ok! You can rest. You can relax. You have been too hard on yourself. I have never asked you to do all of those things you do… My child, you are special, you are precious, and you have come such a long way… and I am so proud of you!

Relax now! There’s nothing for you to do right now … just be here with me as I cradle you, my child.

You have become this courageous woman, and this wonderful human being (yeah, I heard that… you wanted to say leader, didn’t you?!) and … ok… you are your own leader… leading your life, your experiences, your emotions…

Lead the way, my child, lead your way! I’m right here! I’ll be right here!

One breath away… one breath away… one breath…

I love you!”
 

If you would take a moment to close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths in, connect to your heart and express your fears and worries to your heart, what would your heart say to you?

Go ahead, do that! I’ll wait ;) And then come back and share in the comments what came up for you. I’d love to hear from you.

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Facing Fear

I faced FEAR today!

Holy shit... My legs shook like hell... I felt my heart beating in every inch of my body... It was not death but it sure felt like it!

— B*itch, STOP this car R.I.G.H.T N.O.W! — Fear yelled.

In that moment I felt trapped. It felt way too dangerous, and way too scary, to keep driving up the mountain. The road was too narrow and so damn steep. I could see the road disappearing under the car as I curved… OMG!!! It seemed the car was flying — all I could see was the car and the sky.

F*ck!!! My car has no wings and neither do I!

At that point, the only way to feeling great and safe again (OMG, I wanted it so badly!) was to go all the way up! Literally, there was no turning back.

Suddenly, the fear of keep moving forward became smaller than turning the car around, and so I kept going.

When I finally stopped the car, it felt like a huge relief! My legs were shaking, and I could barely walk! I took some deep breaths in and out, and walked all the way up to the top.

And you know what? Fear wouldn’t shut up:

— Are you happy now? I hope this shit was worth it! What do you expect to find here? There are only big rocks here! And you’re also afraid of rocks, remember?

As I watched my son exploring the surroundings, I fooled myself into the illusion that I was enjoying myself, hiding behind the camera, and taking some pictures of him. Fear wasn’t going anywhere, and it wasn’t giving up either, as it shouted:

— How the hell are you going to drive your way down? I can’t believe you brought us here!

Fear was hysterical, and for me to be able to live that experience fully, I had to take a moment to acknowledge its presence, breathe and let it know that everything was going to be ok.

(At this point I am fooling myself… what else can I do? Fake it until you make it!).

Yes, it seemed dangerous! Yes, it looked and felt scary... But I would drive very slowly and carefully on the way down. If others can do it, I can also do it myself.

Now, there was nothing Fear could do, but I… I could choose: I could freak out or I could enjoy the wonderful experience of being there, at the mountain top. I mean, being truly and actually there, and NOT pretending that I was there!

And so I made a decision. I decided I wanted to BE FULLY PRESENT!

Fear stood there, aside, arms crossed, grumbling and waiting for the moment to go down:

— This b*tch, since she met that Tony Robbins guy and walked on that fire, she doesn't listen to me like she used to... and with all that meditation and self-development bullsh*t she is into, she thinks she can dare and defy me... Well... I gotta say that we’ve been to some quite amazing places, and met some extraordinary people but …

(bla bla bla)

SILENCE entered my body! I don’t recall ever experiencing that kind of silence. The immense space before my eyes, all the mountains around, the different autumn colours blending together and kissing the blue of the sky, two birds flying around and playing together in a dance only they understood…

The silence and I became one! And in that moment, I was FREE!

On the way down... OMG... Fear was freaking out again and making a scene!

As I write this and share this story with you, I found it very curious to witness my reaction to feeling trapped and scared — I wanted it to STOP! I wanted to quit! I froze, and I wanted someone to come and save me. I wanted to throw the towel and have someone come and get my car out of there.

I guess this is exactly what Tony Robbins means, when he says that if you want to take the island, you gotta burn the damn boats. Having escape doors will make you use them when standing before Fear.

I wonder how many times we all go through moments like this where we feel fearful, or scared, and we want to give up, run away or have someone to come and save us?!

So, if I could share something powerful and transformational with you, here are TWO things I would say:

1) What is your biggest fear in life? What are you most afraid of in your life?

STOP reading now, and take a moment to write down what comes up for you when you ask yourself that question.

(I hope you have PAUSED!)

2) What could be a fear bigger than that fear? What could it be that you could fear even more than the thing you fear the most?

What if the only way to going down and feeling great again is going all the way up?

At the top of the moutain…

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What in you needs to die so that you can be FREE?

In moments of blissful experiences or painful emotional depth, sometimes I write. I'm not a writer but I write!

Either to celebrate or to heal, I need that intensity. Staying at a surface level for me is more like being emotionally numb. That's just how I know myself... Diving deeper makes me feel more alive than ever. That's how I ravish my soul! 

You may agree that it is somewhat easy to understand why one would celebrate and intensify the blissful moments life offers us once in a while, right?

But... why would someone intensify their pain?

For many many years, I have rejected pain with all my strength until I realised that the healing only happens when I really sit down quietly with that pain.

Well, don't get me wrong! There was nothing silent about those deep painful moments (I screamed and shouted like hell!!!). By quietly I mean to sit and listen to the screaming and the yelling... to hold space for the pain… to sit so quietly that I could even hear my heart weeping.

In that intensity I would just run out of any strength, and I would finally surrender and give in. Only in that moment… that exact moment when I gave in to fighting the pain — that was the moment the healing did begin.

In one of those deep, painful and transformational moments a poem was born as part of the healing process itself. As words were rushing to the paper, I could feel the pain increasing inside. But for me, intensifying the pain is a bit like connecting at a deeper soul level within myself.

The deeper I feel, the deeper I can heal!

As strange as it may seem, making pain so unbearable by intensifying it, that just gives me the rush and the leverage I need to get out of that painful situation faster. That day, the ME I had known for years had to die, so that I could be reborn into a free untethered wild spirit.

Today, I am ready to share that poem with the world.

“She-Wolf

Wounded she-wolf…

Suspicious,
Cautious,
Searching for a safe path
Among the ferocious traps
Of the unknown road called Surrender.

Desperate,
She looks for the healing to her deep wounds.

Unable to hear the whisper of her soul
She takes refuge.

Despair and pain take over her…

Disoriented and confused,
She dives into cutting and ripping pathways
Tearing her off to pieces
Leaving her entire soul
Vulnerably laying in the open sky.

She is shattered into
Small mirrored pieces,
Ruins impossible to recompose.

Everything in her dies!

Her soul weeps and digs deeper,
Nourishing herself
From the stream of her own tears.

May she be reborn now
A strong she-wolf!

May she sprout wise and confident
Pure and wild
Exuberant
No tethers

Free!
”

— Teresa Pimenta

What about you? Do you stay in the pain to heal? How do you go through painful moments? Do you also need this emotional intensity? Write in the comments. I would love to read it!

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Because this was originally written in Portuguese, I share below the original version with all the Portuguese readers. 

Loba

Loba Ferida,
Desconfiada,
Cautelosa,
Procura caminho seguro
Por entre as armadilhas ferozes
Da estrada chamada Entrega.

Desesperada,
Procura a cura para as suas feridas.

Incapaz de ouvir o discurso da sua alma,
Refugia-se!

O desespero e a dor tomam conta dela!

Desorientada,
Mergulha em caminhos dilacerantes
Rasgando-a até à alma.

Desfaz-se
Em pedaços espelhados,
Ruínas impossíveis de recompor.

Toda ela morre!

Sua alma escava bem fundo,
Nutre-se do regato das suas lágrimas.

Que renasça agora
Uma loba forte.
Que brote sábia e confiante
Pura e selvagem.

Exuberante,

Sem amarras,

Livre!

- Teresa Pimenta

The Question That Shaped My Life

Back in December 2016, I was at Tony Robbins’s six-day seminar in Florida, Date with Destiny and there I had A LOT of breakthroughs (another word for that would be insight). For those of you who have not been to a TR event or haven’t heard much about him, the best thing you can do to understand what he is truly about is to watch the documentary I’m Not Your Guru on Netflix.

One of the countless things I’ve learned from Tony Robbins is that QUESTIONS determine your focus, and what you focus on is what you experience and what you get from life.

So, today I want to tell you about a major aha moment I had with what he calls the PRIMARY QUESTION.

A Primary Question is a dominant question you ask yourself on a consistent basis, and that filters your thinking (conscious and unconscious). It’s a question that pops up constantly across contexts. Even if you aren’t consciously aware of it, you believe that if you live by this question, you will feel ultimate success, pleasure and fulfilment. Your identity is often tied to this question. You experience life through the lenses of it.

Now that you know what a primary question is, let me share with you what MY primary question has been for 44 years.

I have lived my life through the lens of this question — “How can I make this better?”.

For me, life, in all its areas, was always about improving, making better, making more effective, more inspirational, more impactful. I was always looking for ways to make anything, I mean, ANYTHING better.

The magical thing about having a “aha” moment with Tony Robbins is that he always makes sure you find the higher intent behind any of your behaviour / decision / emotion. So, not only was I able to uncover that primary question, but to also see both the benefits and the downsides of it.

As TR also teaches us, first let’s go for the UPSIDES of that. What were the empowering effects that came about for asking that question? What did that question do for me?

Well, here’s what I found out: to consistently ask myself that question, I believed that there’s always a better way; that there’s always space for improvement; that change is needed, and that change is something positive. I learned not to settle, to become more creative and more determined.

And what about the DOWNSIDES? What did that cost me?

I must confess this was a very deep and emotional moment. When I was face to face with the truth of it, I cried as I became aware that I was always too hard on myself, always demanding too much from me; I didn’t enjoy being myself because I was always looking for ways to make ME better, and that means in some moments I was making ME wrong.

I would always try to “fix” others and make them better, as if there was anything wrong with them… Can you imagine how I have made people feel in the past? OMG, so many things I did wrong with my kids and my relationships. It’s a fact that what I did to myself I would do to others. I know I did the best I could with the resources I had but it hurt like hell to think about the pain I caused, especially to my kids.

TR helped me find out WHY I had that as my primary question.

For some reason (well, like I said I had a lot of breakthroughs, so I know the reason, but I’ll tell you about that in another post) I had this belief that if I didn’t make things better, more inspirational, more impactful, etc., people wouldn’t notice me, I would be unseen, which means I would be ignored, which means I would be insignificant, which means I wouldn’t be loved.

What a scary frightened little girl there was living inside of me!

So now, I cherish and nurture that part of me, the scary one, the one looking for love and significance. And I also forgave myself for the pain I caused to my kids.

If we are always looking for ways to make things/people better, we are not allowing space for things/people to be just the way they are.

Many times, WE just want to be loved, THEY just want to be loved, I just want to be loved… unconditionally loved, being imperfectly perfect.

And there are moments that we just need to BE and not DO. After all, are we human beings or human doings?

So… I am so thrilled and excited to share with you my NEW Primary Question –

“How can I appreciate even more the beauty and the perfection of what is in this present moment, trusting that I am always guided?”

Can you imagine how different my life will be having this question as a filtering lens?

Now, I’m curious to know…

What is a question you repeatedly ask yourself? What do you consistently focus on? What question do you ask most often based on this focus?

It’s my deepest wish that this story may help you in some way, and I would love to know what your primary question is. So, please leave your comment below.

And remember, YOU are imperfectly perfect.

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