Finding out who I am after over 40 years of a life of people pleasing, of avoiding conflict at any cost, it has been nothing short but a damn hard adventure and also a surprisingly worthy challenge.
Was this conscious? Was I aware that I was pleasing others? Was I aware that I was avoiding confrontation to the expense of annihilating myself? Hell no!
Today, many pains and many tears later, I know that in each of those moments that I stayed low, played small, hid myself, said yes when I wanted to say no, smiled when I wanted to cry, agreed and pleased when I wanted to say “fuck you”… Today I know that in all those moments I was betraying myself, losing complete respect for myself as I believed the tyrant I had become to myself — the tyrant that made me believe that who I was as a person was WRONG, that I was unlovable and that I was a worthless piece of shit!
How could I trust myself? How could I trust others? How could I trust life if I couldn’t even trust myself enough to honour my own truth?
With all the pain and hurt, I started playing defensive and shutting myself more and more, not only to others but also to myself. As time went by, I was further and further away from myself, from my truth, from who I truly was. Buried deeper and deeper away from the light of my true self, I began to fade away. I had forgotten about myself! Life has forgotten about me! So it seemed… And the more I lost touch with myself, the higher the walls I began to build around me.
I was definitely locked inside the dungeons of an old castle, protected by a fortress armed with guards, ready to fight the slightest threat! I had built that fortress and buried myself in it. I became a lunatic guard to the castle, always ready to fight any perceived or hallucinated threat, which at that point in my life was basically anything that was out of my control. I was a wounded animal! My flesh was in the open air and the slightest breeze of air would cause a huge amount of pain and hurt like hell! A simple question such as "why don't you...?" sounded like a battle cry. That was not a question to me. It was a threat! I would not hear those words but instead I would hear "what you're doing is wrong!", "who you are is wrong!"
All that triggered me to battle! I fought hard! I kicked and scream and sure as hell I’ve hurt many people in the way. I was fucking angry! Rage was burning inside and was the king of the castle!
No matter how hard I tried to make others happy, that mission was failing over and over again. Not only did I not know who I was, but the one I believed to be, the pleaser, was doing a miserable job. What a worthless piece of shit I was! The significant others were not happy around me or pleased at all and I was a total wreck, a human failure.
And it was only when I hurt the ones that I love the most, that it would hit me straight into the heart. You know, I didn’t care about myself! I was not important! I didn’t matter! My feelings didn’t matter. After all, I was such a bad person, so unlovable and such a worthless piece of shit. But hurting them? That caused a huge amount of pain and it would make me even more furious.
To those I’ve hurt, I’ve already asked for forgiveness. As for me, I’ve not only asked for forgiveness, but I actually forgave myself for it. How else could I love myself if I wasn’t capable of forgiving myself for the hurt and pain I inflicted upon me?! If I ever wanted to feel true love in my heart, that was the only way.
Having brought those walls down, having allowed myself to be seen raw and naked in my vulnerability and my humanity, I am now on a daily journey of reclaiming my voice, daring to speak my truth and show up authentic in the world. And just like a drug addict, it’s a day by day process. Celebrating every moment of authenticity and vulnerability, mothering and nurturing myself when I don’t do it, rejoicing in the bliss and humility of being boldly present through all of it.
What brought me here? The Love others generously and kindly projected onto me brought me here. The love of the brave ones who dare to love fiercely through the hardships, brought me here.
Today I can write about it, I can see it clearly and today I am able to love myself through all of this… for who I have been, for who I am and for who I am becoming.
Today, I’m on a daily journey of choosing love and compassion, feeling deeply grateful for the greatest gift life has finally gifted me with — the LOVE that I feel in my heart, AT LAST!
And knowing in my bones that there’s no mistakes or regrets in Love, knowing with my whole being that Love is always worth it, I am now finally living from Love as Love!
Like this article? Would anyone you know benefit from it? Share it!
If you are a WOMAN and you would like to be part of an outstanding TRIBE of women from all over the world, ask to join Evolved Women Tribe. There you’ll also find a place for FUN, massive growth and evolvement, as well as SUPPORT in honoring the Divine Feminine.