Castles, Battles, Warriors & The Ego



As I stood there sitting on the floor waiting for a performance which was about to start, I found myself absorbing how imponent and magnificent that castle was and imagined the events that must have taken place there, in the Medieval Age, with kings, queens and knights.

 

And then… I found myself wondering how many times in life we feel like we are in a battle. How often do we feel there's a castle to take over, to conquer and overcome challenges so we can get to the very top of the tower?

 

The true battle is really happening inside and it is a one-man-fight – ONESELF! Or, better said, what we think to be ourselves. The ego (on a side note, let me just say that initially the word ego was all caps and when I noticed how much it was standing out, I thought I would bring it down to its place… wrote it with capital “e” and as I was about to take it down too, my ego was freaking out… LOL the struggle is real, people!!! ) which creates an illusory separation, always gives us the idea that we have to get somewhere, to do some other thing, making us feel incomplete and with the illusion that something is missing…and that’s how we fall into the next-thing trap. At least I know I do!

 

The ego, in its quest to survive will make you believe that there’s always more and more and more… it will never ever be enough… YOU will never be enough! I don’t know about you, but I am finding that shit really exhausting and more and more I am daring to experiment with some different approaches.

 

As I adventure into these new possibilities I am aware of the battle happening within, as if I were two people. It’s quite a show to watch!!!! Sounding just like Sofia Vergara playing Gloria in Modern Family: “what??!! you’re not worried?”, “how come you’re not anxious?”, “what do you mean you’ll buy that ticket to Tony Robbins?” (this is what she was talking about), “You can’t spend all that money?” blah blah blah – It’s a one-man-show… a sitcom with a signed contract for life and unlimited seasons. The Simpsons, you’re screwed!

 

You should see the shock and the surprise every time I challenge not only the ego but also myself to later find out that my body is less and less responding like it used to when standing before the “illusion” of a problem. My mind tells me to worry and freak out but deep down I don’t feel as such! There’s hope! 😉

 

Back to the castle, the battles and the conquering. It’s crazy how we can get attached to the drama and the hardship. Don’t you think so?

 

Don't get me wrong! There's nothing wrong in wanting more, in conquering castles, climbing the highest mountains… I am a hell yeah for that! But life can be as interesting if not more challenging down here too. If there's great courage in taking the leap, in going to battle, it also takes as much courage daring to stay, sit, acknowledge whatever is… do nothing & change nothing.

 

Actually, I have tried them both and here’s what I can share with you: hustling, getting myself ready to work, to go somewhere, to do something challenging, is revealing itself easier than honouring sitting still, waiting for the clarity needed to take action, surrendering into the stillness of the unknown. Can you be ok with not knowing and honour it?

Amen to meditation!

 

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My Soul Screamed And A New Woman Was Born

There are moments in my life which I can't really explain to others how much those moments impact me. I have been told to be a "too much" woman and to feel "too much".  I used to believe that and to judge myself for that. Today, I embrace that as a gift because the most simple things in life can make me feel blissful and can also shake me to the core and make me feel more alive than ever.

Today I want to share with you one of those moments, which happened a couple of years ago, more precisely in 2014, when the intense journey into knowing myself really began.

For the most skeptic ones let's say it was a coincidence ;)

A poem crossed my path and as I read it I found myself gasping for air, reaching out for a breath that felt to be taken away from me. I was shaken to my bones, the cells in my body vibrated and my SOUL screamed.

I have read somewhere that the soul whispers but that day my soul screamed louder than my pain and I heard it for the first time. I guess my soul got tired of whispering and me never listening to it. Maybe it figured out I had hearing problems (insert any kind of laughter you wish here as I am laughing at myself right now! LOL)

It really doesn't even matter the reason why. What matters is that day, reading that poem, I really felt ME, an unknown part of myself was shown to me, a part which I had never acknowledged and didn't even imagine existed. That poem stroke me so deep down to my core, shook me inside out, ripped me off and for the first time in my life I knew with every cell in my body that I didn’t love myself.

And I cried ... 

and I cried ... and I cried ... 

And as I allowed the tears to roll down my face, without even knowing it I was creating the space for a different woman to be born that day.

That day I promised myself that my garden would never be forgotten and dead ever again. 

This was the poem:

The wind, one brilliant day, called
to my soul with an odor of jasmine. 

”In return for the odor of my jasmine, 
I’d like all the odor of your roses.” 

”I have no roses; all the flowers
in my garden are dead.” 

”Well then, I’ll take the withered petals
and the yellow leaves and the waters of the fountain.” 

The wind left.  And I wept.  And I said to myself: 
”What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?”
— Antonio Machado


How have you been taking care of your garden?
Drop me a comment as I would love to hear from you how this poem resonated with you or not. What did it bring out for you?

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Unedited Conversation With My Heart

In a sudden urge to sit quietly after more than a week without meditating, I found myself grabbing a pen and saw the pen use my hand to write. I was not writing, I was being written!

"After so many, so many days of wandering lost inside in the foggy black empty space within myself, I am finally creating a moment to sit down and write whatever is going through me, whether in my mind or heart.

I have been filled up with fear, frustration, disappointment and judgement towards myself. If on the one hand I have been practising loving myself and respecting myself, I have also been immersed in a space of confusion, of loss, of wanting, not wanting… totally unknown, fully blocked and massively confused.

I think about the women in the Tribe and if I am failing them or if I am actually failing myself. It really doesn’t matter. All of that comes from a place of lack, of scarcity, because if I could trust that I am loved no matter what, then I would for sure take some time off to myself.

Funny that when my head wants to kick in, my pen tends to stop so I will continue to write without stopping as long as I feel like and tap into my heart.

This place of confusion is really scary and I can see how challenging it can be to trust the process of life. I believe trusting the process of life really means trusting myself and my energy. Will I honour my true self? What does that even really mean? Can I be ok with the fact that I may not know it? That’s so challenging for me and I see how that has to do with the need to control things in my life out of the fear of the unknown and because of all the days spent under the fear storm that would break at mum’s house.

Throughout my life I have been connecting to myself through fear and anger and that became the normal. And feeling anger would make me feel like I was a bad person, a mistake. Today as I write and connect into my heart, I know I am so much more than that! My heart knows it! My soul knows it! I know it! It’s just that I have totally forgotten!

When I tell my heart that I am afraid of being ridiculous and my heart answers ‘So what?! Laugh along! After all, you love a great laughter, don’t you?!’ I know I am about to experience a breakthrough. There I am, crying my ass off and my heart comes up with that answer? WTF!!! That’s totally who I am! I am my heart, not my head! I am that humorous funny person. I know I am so much more than what my mind wants me to believe.

In the darkness of the confusion and in the space within I see now that all is possible. Without space there’s no room for creation to happen and without dark there’s no way light can shine bright.

I may be confused about what to do next but I am not confused about who to be. And you know what?! I am freaking amazing at the job I am doing with myself. Can I be able to love myself unconditionally? HEART, talk to me! Tell me! What do you have to say about all this mess going on inside? What do you have to say about all this fear, this confusion inside? This uncertainty is driving me crazy! What do you really want from me? Can’t you see this isn’t good for us? Help me out here, please! What wisdom do you have for me? What can you share with me?

(And the heart spoke!)

To start with, it’s great that you’re here and that you’re connecting! Long time no see, right T.? You connect out of fear and that is totally off from where I am, from where I stand, from my essence.

Thank you for showing up T.! I love when you take the time to come and see me.

(naturally my eyes closed and I for a moment I would be shifting from writing to going deep and coming back to writing)

That’s it! Pause now! … Close your eyes! … Breathe! … Can you feel me? … Can you feel me? Can you feel the stillness?... Feel it! … don’t rush it… Stay! Stay! Stay! …

See how far you have come my child! I am so proud of you! You have come a long long way. Stop comparing yourself to others. You were created to stand out and stop judging yourself for being different! Remember the feelings when you laugh? That’s YOU! That’s who you truly are my child!

(At this point a part of me is wondering why the hell I am being addressed to as “my child” but I decide to allow the process and not mess up with that. Maybe I felt the need to be mothered, so I stood out of the way.)

You were created to be the happy joyful embodiment of transformation, the joyful embodiment of love, wisdom and compassion.  I am here always for you but I will only come when you call me! Be yourself my child! Be yourself, with the good and the bad! After all, who says which is which?!

Go through life living fully, feeling deeply! That’s who you are! You are an intense being! You like to feel deep! You are great at feeling deep! You know about the preciousness of life. Feel me! Feel me! Don’t go! Stay!... Breathe!… Breathe!…

I hear you my child. I know you are scared and that’s ok! After all you don’t remember who you truly are, who you really are. That’s ok! And still, you have been doing a great job!

Why are you crying my child? Do you feel lonely? I can feel you do and that’s ok too. But if you connect to me, you can never feel lonely. Can you feel me? Can you feel me?

Are you really crying because you feel lonely or because you are feeling loved unconditionally right now?

I can hear what you’re thinking, and YES, it can be that simple. It is that simple! You are breath, you are love, you are pure energy living under the illusion that is someone else, something else that has a great big purpose in life. You are the purpose, my child! You are the meaning! You are life!

Show me what you see! Show me what you feel! Show me life through you! Let me breathe you! Keep laughing my child! Keep dancing my child because through you I experience joy and happiness and bliss. Keep crying my child because I feel so deep the sadness. You are so good at feeling! You may be confused sometimes but I’m not! I always feel and know what you are feeling.

I heard you just now! You want to know what I want from you? I want to feel life through your own eyes, feel life through your own heart and experience the bliss in your smile and laughter.

I hear you my child! You say you’re tired! That’s ok! You can rest! You can relax! You have been too hard on yourself! I have never asked you to do all of those things you do… My child, you are special, you are precious and you have come such a long way… and I am so proud of you…

Relax now! There’s nothing for you to do right now … just be here with me as I cradle you my child.

You have become this courageous woman and this wonderful human being (yeah, I heard that… you wanted to say leader, didn’t you?!) and … ok… you are your own leader… leading your life, your experiences, your emotions…

Lead the way my child, lead your way! I’m right here! I’ll be right here! One breath away… one breath away… one breath

I love you!”
 

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Life Tested Me Hard On This Tony Robbins Adventure

It's fucking amazing how life tested me on this Tony Robbins thing!

How bad did I want this?!

In October 2015, out of a boldness act of courage, I bought a Tony Robbins Training (CORE 100) to become a coach and a ticket to UPW and I did that in a time where I was on a sick leave from my 23-year-old job as a high school teacher. I had hit rock bottom (once again) in September 2014.

At the time I had no idea what was going to happen with my life! I knew nothing about what I was going to decide! I knew nothing about how I would make things happen. At that time, I didn’t even know what I wanted! I was still in a place where I only knew what I didn’t want. Well, that’s not quite accurate! I did know something I wanted and THAT I was really certain of, I was so sure of… I wanted to learn from Tony Robbins and to be with him in the same room.

At the time I knew nothing about being a coach and to be honest I wasn’t even thinking about that! I was just so desperate for a way out of the place I was in; I was so desperate for a way out of anger, frustration, fear and sickness that I wanted his help, so I could help myself heal and find a way out to happiness and fulfilment. There had to be another way of living and I felt so deeply within me that he could help me. Since the 1st time I heard his name around March 2015 (and after overcoming the 1st awkward experience of his voice 😉), I had been devouring all the videos I could get my eyes and hands on, religiously doing the exercises he suggested and spending all my days writing everything he was saying. So, how powerful would it be to be in the room with him?

I made a decision! No matter what, I will be in London in that room with Tony Robbins, even if it rains cats and dogs. I had made up mind! That was not open to discussion. Not being there was not an option!

After 18 months waiting for the government to call me, 18 fucking months… that’s about 547 days, 547 opportunities to receive a fucking letter from the government, guess what… I receive a letter telling me that I have to get my ass back to school on the exact same day of my flight to London, to UPW. I heard life shouting at me “how bad do you want this?”! 

Had I not made that determined unquestionable decision in the past, I would have shaken in the presence of that letter. But no! I was so hell yeah determined to be there that all I had to do was find out what my options were, knowing that not going was not an option.

And so I did! I looked for a lawyer to hear what he had to say and guess what:

- Dr., you can’t go to London! You are on a sick leave!

- Oh, I am not asking you if I can or if I can't! We’re not even going there! I will be in that venue for that event in London and that means I will be on that plane on the 6th of April! What are my options?

Once I knew my options, I knew I could buy myself some time! And that’s what I did!

I flew to London for UPW and had the most transformative life changing experience of my whole life, until that moment. (This is a story that deserves its own article. Let’s keep this one about how life tested me on this Tony Robbins thing 😉 )

So, I got home from UPW, finished the certification from the CORE 100 training, hired my own coach, started coaching other people and still on a sick leave, waiting for the government’s final call.

I could feel my soul unsettled! There was a deep craving inside of me! I so wanted to go to Date with Destiny! OMG! I desired it so badly, so deeply! Every time I would see myself there, tears would roll down my face. I was actually dreaming, for the first time since I can remember.

During my morning priming exercise, I would see myself there. I would see myself on the plane, heading there and I would see a Portuguese guy that I met at UPW with me on the plane (funny how this visualisation thing works 😉 I didn’t invite him into my visualisation, but he was there, all the time). Bear with me because this will make sense ;) 

After so many days wanting and desiring and fearing and wanting to overcome fear… I used every strategy I could think of to make myself take action. I would put myself in state; I would make my move; I would imagine the fire and me crossing it and celebrating on the other side of the lane … not working! Then I remembered one exercise I had done once while watching one of his videos and I knew what drove me and so, all I had to do was to have the guts to ask the right question that would freaking shake my ass and my whole being into taking action and fucking buying that ticket to Date with Destiny Florida 2016.

You may be wondering why all that fuss just to buy a ticket? The thing is that I was on the edge to leave my job as a school teacher and with no financial back up plan, because the only savings I had were the exact same amount of the price of the ticket! Remember? I was still buying myself some time and that meant a final call from the government would be home any time.

Guess what? That’s right! I’m doing it! I’m going to ask the question and my mind is freaking out! I play some UPW songs, “oh, you want to quit your job and you’ll be spending your own savings in a ticket to an event?”; I put my body straight, “You must be fucking crazy! You’ll have no money to eat!”; I make my move, “Please someone grab this girl and put her in a hospice!”; I say “YES, YES, YES” and I asked myself the question (sorry about that question, Tony Robbins): If this is his last DWD and he dies, are you ready to live with the regret of not having experienced it?

FUCK HELL NO! Florida here I come!

My whole body is shaking, my hands are sweating cold, my heart is racing like a wild horse, I’m breathing deeply (I am even experiencing it all as I relive it by writing this). Oh no, my credit card limit is only 1000 euros! Have you ever been in a situation where you are finding it so difficult that all you need is for it to be over really fast? Well, that wasn’t going to happen in this situation! How bad do you want this, right?! So, I get on the phone with a lady and I have to find another way to pay! I find out that I can create a digital credit card with the limit amount of, that’s right, you guessed, 4500 euros. Exactly the amount I had and the amount I needed for the ticket!

After sorting that out and paying for the ticket, suddenly there’s something familiar happening on the other side of the line – she is CELEBRATING!!!! She knows!!!! I have crossed the fire!!!! I am on the other side of the lane! I celebrate with her! And as I celebrate my mind is going berserk! I feel my body and my mind totally out of alignment… I am literally blowing up my mind… it’s as if I can see the destruction being caused up there!!!! Two totally different worlds inside the same body!!! That was so freaking awesome fucked up!!!!

So, there I am, hanging up the phone, with a tsunami and an earth quake happening inside of me. Holy shit!!!! I gotta hurry and pick my kid from school! I can barely walk because my legs don’t respond and I have to force myself to run!

I get into the car, put the keys on, turn on the gear, get ready to leave the parking space and there’s a song playing in a cd and the first words I hear are:

It's your day believe it
It's your date with destiny
It's too late to leave it
After all it's your
it's your party
Call it luck, call it faith…
(“Catch”, by Kosheen)

Right there, I let my body fall over the wheel as if I were falling on my knees and I start to cry! I look up to the sky and I shout: “I get it! I get it! Thank you! Thank you!” as tears keep washing my face in a state of gratitude and humbleness.

The next morning, I wake up with this GINORMOUS BOLDNESS HANGOVER! Have you ever had one of those? My body felt as if it had been hit by a truck and I was so confused that it felt like I had had a dream! Now, I had to tell hubby that I wouldn’t be there for his birthday and that I was actually going to be flying on that day heading Florida for a Date with Destiny!

And you know, when we are aligned with what is meant to be, the universe really provides! One week later, I had already created that money in my bank account by making my first paying clients.

Now, how bad do you want this?! You can’t make this shit up! The final letter from the government? YEP! You guessed it right! It arrived exactly on the same day of my flight to Florida, 7th Dec 2016. (of course I only found out when I arrived on the 16th).

I guess school and Tony Robbins don’t match! 😉 Yep, I quit my job! I guess I burned the fucking boats, like Tony Robbins says 😉

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By the way… remember the guy I met at UPW and that kept showing up uninvited I my visualisation? YEAH, that one! We flew on the same flight from London on the way there and on the way back 😉

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Facing Fear

I faced FEAR today!

Holy shit... My legs shook like hell... I felt my heart biting in every inch of my body... It was not death but it sure felt like it!

- BITCH, STOP THIS CAR   R I G H T   N O W! - Fear yelled.

In that moment I felt trapped. It felt way too dangerous and way too scary to keep driving up the mountain. The road was too narrow and so damn steep!!!! I could see the road disappearing under the car as I curved… OMG!!! It seemed the car was flying… all I could see was the car and the sky! Fuck!!! My car has no wings and neither do I!

At that point, the only way down to feeling great and safe again (OMG, I wanted it so badly) was to go all the way up! Literally, there was no turning back! Suddenly, the fear of keep moving forward became smaller than turning the car around and so I kept going.  

When I finally stopped the car, it felt like a huge relief! My legs were shaking and I could barely walk! I took some deep breaths in and out and walked all the way up to the top. And you know what? Fear wouldn’t shut up:

- Are you happy now? I hope this shit has been worth it! What do you expect to find here? There’s only big rocks here! And you are also afraid of rocks, remember?

As I watched my son exploring the surroundings, I fooled myself into the illusion that I was enjoying myself hiding behind the camera and taking some pictures of him. Fear wasn’t going anywhere and it wasn’t giving up either:

- HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DRIVE YOUR WAY DOWN? I can’t believe you brought us here!

Fear was hysterical and for me to be able to live that experience fully, I had to take a moment to acknowledge its presence, breathe and let it know that everything was going to be ok (at this point I am fooling myself… what else can I do? Fake it until you make it!). Yes, it seemed dangerous! Yes, it looked and felt scary... But I would drive very slowly and carefully on the way down! If others do it, I can also do it myself!

Now, there was nothing Fear could do but I… I could choose: I could freak out or I could enjoy the wonderful experience of being there. I mean, being truly and actually there and NOT pretending that I was there!

And so I made a decision - I decided I wanted to BE FULLY PRESENT!

Fear stood there, aside, arms crossed, grumbling and waiting for the moment to go down:

- This bitch, since she met that Tony Robbins guy and walked on that fire she doesn't listen to me like she used to... and with all that meditation and self-development bullshit she is into, she thinks she can dare and defy me... Well... I gotta say that we’ve been to some quite amazing places and met some extraordinary people but …bla bla bla

The SILENCE entered my body! I don’t recall ever experiencing that kind of silence! The immense space before me, all the mountains around, the different autumn colours blending together and kissing the blue of the sky, two birds flying around and playing together in a dance only they understood… The silence and I became one! And in that moment, I was FREE!

On the way down... OMG... Fear was freaking out again and making a scene!

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As I write this article and share this story with you, I found it very curious to witness my reaction to feeling trapped and scared - I wanted it to STOP! I wanted to quit, to turn back. I guess this is exactly what Tony Robbins means when he says that if you want to take the island, you gotta burn the damn boats. Having escaping doors will make you use them when standing before Fear.

I wonder how many times we all go through moments like this where we feel fearful, scared and we want to turn back and give up?!

So, if I could share something powerful and transformational with you, here are TWO things I would say:

ONE - What is your biggest fear in life? What are you most afraid of in your life?

STOP reading now and take a moment to write down what comes up for you when you ask yourself this question. I hope you have PAUSED!

TWO - What could be a fear bigger than that fear? What could it be that you could fear even more than the thing you fear the most?

What if the only way to going down and feeling great again is going all the way up?

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Set Yourself Free From Your Fences

It’s Autumn but it really doesn’t feel like it! The weather is really hot, the sun is really shining bright and it feels like a summer day! So, what better thing to do on a summer-not-so-autumn day than to head the seaside?!
 

It was exactly what I did yesterday and headed the beach with my 10-year-old.
Arriving there, as I was enjoying the view of the sea, losing myself in the space before me and soaking in the smell of the salty water, all of a sudden I notice this fence right in front of me. I hadn’t seen it before! I had not realised it was there! What could have drawn my attention to it? It was the fact that I worried of him falling! So, when fear kicked in I looked for safety, for security! And there’s nothing wrong with that (as a matter of fact, there’s nothing wrong with anything!).

 The actual fence!

The actual fence!

But there was something about this fence… it looked so fragile… it really made me wonder!

How many times do we feel like we are on the edge of something extraordinarily different and exciting and fear makes us look for security and distracts our focus from what is really exciting and adventurous? You know, in the past I would have given into the fear and completely forget about the wonderful view of the sea and the sky meeting each other! (I know I still miss a lot of the adventure and beauty in the world because many times I still let myself be kept prisoner of fear, but not yesterday.)

And becoming aware of this, I wondered how many times do we feel something is about to shift in our life and we can even feel the excitement mixing up with fear and we HOLD ON to fences that are so freaking unstable?
 

How many times do we dare so little, holding on to fences which are so week that wouldn't be able to hold you if you were to lean onto them? How many times do we hold on to fences that really don't serve us anymore? Fences we keep fixing… we keep mending… out of fear!

You know, there comes a day that the fence that once kept us safe, will now keep us trapped inside! It may give us the illusion that being behind the fence is much better, but that’s just it – an illusion! 

I remember the day I received my last pay check from school with ZERO euros on it! I had quit my job as a teacher after 23 years. There was not much of a plan except to keep moving and showing up for what I am really passionate about! That day I was freaking out! My mind kept shouting at me “What the fuck are you doing with your life?” and for 12 hours in a row I played the same song over and over again (UNSTOPPABLE by Sia)… I listened to and I sang for hours and hours straight! My hands were sweating… my heart was beating too fast … OMG… I was really freaking out, but I was not going back!!!! That day I made sure I surrounded myself with an empowering group of friends (those kinds of friends that Tony Robbins creates 😉) and I remember one in particular who said “Awesome! Now you can shoot for the stars! The sky is the limit!”

That was it!!!! There was no more fence! No more hiding! No more playing small! I had removed the fence and now there were no more limits!! No more mending or fixing the fence, finding excuses to it, postponing decisions, blaming others and complaining about it… I had jumped and now all I had to do was to keep on flying and soar!

 The summer-not-so-autumn Sunday...

The summer-not-so-autumn Sunday...

So, I wonder…

Is there a fence you are holding on to that doesn’t serve you anymore? Is there a fence you keep on mending and fixing?

So, I wonder…

What would it look like if you jumped? How exciting would your life be if you took the leap and started to fly? What would be possible for you without the fence? How exciting would your life be if you remembered that you are actually a free being capable of achieving every dream you dream?

Share your fences in the comments! I would love to read about them!

The Day I Stopped Fighting Myself

My whole life I have been in a battle with myself and thus with the whole world! 
That constant fight harmed my body more than I could ever imagined or wished for. The physical pain I guess was the strategy to make me STOP and to lead me to a fucking threshold where I finally did something for me and for my life. 

My whole life I felt wrong, like I didn't belong anywhere and always resisted the fact that I was born a woman. For me being a woman meant being weak, being superficial, being too sensitive. To be honest, I was angry at the fact that I was born in a woman's body! For that reason I kept my Divine Feminine Energy trapped and caged for ever, resisting her, ignoring her, making her wrong.

Rejecting the femininity in me also brought me some deep emotional and physical health issues with my reproductive system. Yes, that's how deep I rejected myself! 

Well this post is not meant to tell you the story of my life. Instead, what I really want to share with you is the moment my Masculine and my Divine Feminine energy met.

I started being part of some women circles against my own will but following my gut and honouring my soul's desire. Let me tell you that those circles they all seemed way too weird to me. How could they not? I was the one who felt weird myself! I was totally disconnected from myself and from my core essence.

In the pictures below (first time in that circle), you can see how disconnected I was if you look closely at the red thread. We had to introduce ourselves while passing on the thread to some other woman. By the end of the exercise, either on one end or the other, the red thread was beyond loose and I was the only woman who could move her hand and arm without moving the other women along.

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Last weekend I was in another circle and for the 1st time I felt a brand new woman! I felt the woman in me was totally integrated! I felt like I belonged and there was nothing wrong with me! 

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This healing process took me about 3 years. It demanded a lot of courage from me, a lot of deep work and an unshakable commitment to be happy to matter what!

Today, looking back at many of the healing moments, I had a breakthrough and I wrote about the moment my Masculine and my Feminine energy met for the 1st time. I didn't understand that back then but I do now... I was lying on the floor, fully trusting my body to her hands. 

 
I SURRENDER

I am hurt!
I am bleeding!
I am tired!

I have been in the battle fields for way too long!

Me and my enemy
Me and my ghosts
Me and myself

What a long and painful battle it has been!

I am tired!

I stop fighting
I put down the weapons
I allow the armour to be undressed
I allow the open wounds to be exposed to the light

I am vulnerable!
I surrender!

No more running away
No more hiding
No more rejecting parts of me
No more guilt
No more shame
No more fighting myself

No more!

Tears wash my soul

I surrender!
I surrender!
I SURRENDER! 

Suddendly,
As if magic...

I taste the sweetness of tenderness
I feel the softness of loving-kindness
I am craddled by the warmth of compassion

I am finally home!

I see the face of LOVE
It is a WOMAN!
— Teresa Pimenta
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How To Make A Change In Your Life

Have you been struggling with repetitive negative or destructive patterns? 
Is there something in your life you wish to change but you seem to never succeed?

In his book Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins suggests that you ask yourself some specific questions to help you make that change. Those were actually the questions I asked myself, leading me to some powerful breakthroughs uncovering the root cause of my weight battle. (I wrote about it here)  
So, if you are ready to play, to sit down and put pen to paper… but only if you are really willing to do that… 
You know, you can read a book to learn how to swim but you won’t ever swim unless you get yourself inside water. 

Ok, you get it, right? So, here it goes. 

Answer these questions in this specific order: 

1)    What are two things that you need to do and you have been procrastinating on them?

2)    Why haven’t you acted upon them? What pain have you associated to this action in the past?

3)    What pleasure have you felt in the past by giving yourself into this negative pattern?

4)    What will be the price to pay if you don’t change now? What will it cost you over the next 2, 3, 5 years? What will it cost you emotionally? What about self-image? And about physical energy? Self-love? Financially? Romantic relationships? 

5)    How does that make you feel?

6)    What pleasure will you get if you act immediately?

I would love to read about what showed up for you. Would you like to share some insights you may have had? I would love to read them. Comment below and I'll get back to you.

My Weight Loss Battle

My battle with weight began when I was around 16. I have never been too obese but I was definitely overweight. No matter how many people would tell me I looked good, I didn’t feel good at all, either about the way I looked or about the way I felt.

I would engage in crazy gym challenges and diets and, needless to say, it only worked out for a short period of time. And then, everything would start all over again. 

I won’t go into the guilt or the shame that battle brought along. That’s not the reason I’m writing this. 

2 years ago, I started doing some major spiritual and self-development healing work on myself and around that time, after hitting a threshold of physical pain in my joints, I could hear my body shouting out loud that it was time for a deep change. I could feel this time the decision was coming from a totally different place inside of me… I was certain I was going to change! 

And I did! I started taking care of the food I would put inside my body and I started to feel awesome, lighter and more energised than ever. The joints pain completely disappeared and I could move my body in ways that I couldn’t do before. 

I was feeling AMAZING! Had I finally owned this? Was it really possible? I was so HAPPY!

6 months ago, I had a surgery to an epigastric hernia and it didn’t take long for me to realise I was going back to the old patterns and I was bullshitting me with a bunch of excuses to eat some cookies late in the evening or even to have some chips twice a week. My belly was getting bigger (I don’t know about you, but for me it’s always the belly!) and I would fool myself telling myself that it was due to the hernia surgery. 

There was a thought running over and over in my mind - “NOT AGAIN!”
And the more I heard it, the more I didn’t want to look at it, and the more cookies I felt like eating. (By the way, I would make sure the cookies were the healthy kind of cookies, fooling myself that those were not a big thing.)

One day, with love, no judgement whatsoever, and as curious as I could be, I decided it was time to go deeper to find out the real root of this, since it was clear I was not healed yet. I knew that in this internal system of making decisions there should be a belief that was making me sabotage my outcome. 

Sitting outside, with the help of Tony Robbins’ book Awaken the Giant Within, EUREKA!
I had a fucking breakthrough, and then others followed! (Wow … multiple breakthroughs?! Oh… yes, there’s more than multiple orgasms!)

I realised I took a lot of pleasure out of the process of losing weight! It gave me a challenge to pursue and I would get an immense sense of accomplishment and big achievement in succeeding at losing weight. Now… guess what? For me to be able to engage in that achievement of losing weight, I would have to have weight to lose, to begin with.  I would put on weight to engage in the process of being successful at losing it afterwards (how fucked up is that?!).

And then…another breakthrough! Succeeding at losing weight would make me feel really significant. As others would notice me and tell me “Oh, you lost weight!” or “Hum, you look thinner!”, instead I would hear them say “you look awesome” or “you look pretty” and what that really meant was “I SEE YOU!”. 

BOOOMMMM… another massive breakthrough hitting me hard!
I had created this belief that others would never see me, that I was unnoticeable! So, I ended up finding a way to have people looking at me and really see me!  

You see, my sister, who is one year younger than me, she is so beautiful that as long as I can remember being a baby, every time we would go anywhere with our parents, everybody would look at her and comment on how beautiful she was and how beautiful her eyes were. Hardly ever anyone would notice me and when they did, they would turn to me second place and say “oh…and you…you are beautiful too”. (today I know that, in my mind, I would show them the finger! ;) ). 

I was only 2 or 3 years old (yes, I know… I have a great memory…and I can go even further back in time – amazing what babies can remember, right?) and that was how I perceived and experienced the events; that was the meaning I gave to them and from there I made a decision and soon a liming belief was born. 

And as time went by, life made sure to provide me enough evidence to prove me that I was right. I had become the creator of a self-fulfilling prophecy! 

Now that I uncovered the root cause, healing can finally begin!

 Me and my sis about a month ago :)

Me and my sis about a month ago :)

If you are curious about the questions that helped me uncover this story, or if there’s something you want to change in your life, I share more in my other article

 

Are You A Prisoner Of Worry?

Many times we let ourselves be caught in the depression of an illusion.

Many times we are worried or sad about something that has not even happened yet and may well never happen. Still, because we get trapped inside our heads, listening to the thoughts and the story around them, we get caught into living an illusion.

While trapped in that hallucinating world, we are missing out on our present moment, our reality. We miss out on living our real life for the exchange of our imaginary hallucinating one. Have you ever thought about that?

Well, while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, who is really living your present one?
And while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, who are you leaving behind?
And while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, what and who are you missing out?
And while you are living that hallucinating imaginary life, what are you really not living?

Budha once said "your problem is that you think you have time". WE NEED TO REMEMBER OUR MORTALITY!

Here's a poem I wrote just last week while experiencing this specific situation in my own life.



THOUGHTS ARE THIEVES

A Spring evening
You & I
Together…

I’m there,
You’re not!
My eyes see you yet my soul feels you not.

You’re trapped inside your head
Locked in that cage
Believing your thoughts
Hallucinating.

Nothing but a story those thoughts tell you,
Nothing but a lie,
Nothing but an illusion…
Still so real to you!

The possibility of pain
Becomes pain itself.

Thoughts are the thieves
Stealing you from your real life
Stealing you from me
Keeping you locked inside that hallucinating world.

Thoughts make you think you have time.
Thoughts don’t die.
We do!

(Teresa Pimenta, May 2017)