Do you know who Kali is?
Well, I have to tell you that I didn’t know anything about her until this very experience that I’m about to share with you. Not her name, not her story, not her picture, nothing!! Nothing at all!
What a mind-blowing experience this was while surrendering myself into an act of creation!
It was a cold afternoon and I felt like drawing or painting… not quite sure what to do but my hands surely felt like creating something. As I sat by the table with my brand-new fancy markers and a white sheet of paper, I start to wonder what I feel like drawing. Bad idea! When connecting to your intuition, you don’t wonder. You feel and you connect!
I checked my favourite pictures looking for inspiration, all the hearts and mandalas on my Pinterest albums. I was still in my head trying to figure out what I wanted to draw and to create. Don’t get me wrong, please. I am no drawing artist myself but when my hands want to create, I allow them to, even if it’s to draw a heart or a tree.
My hands wanted to move but my head and my thoughts were still in the way of the creation. I draw the shape of a heart and it really looks pretty (hearts are always pretty to me) and yet it feels so wrong. I get another sheet of paper and draw another round shape, which looks like I’m about to create a face but… NOPE, it’s not that either.
What a fool I didn’t know I was being! I had no clue that I was about to be drawn and not to draw. I was about to find out that something wanted to be born through me as I stepped into a place of being totally willing and open to trust the process. My mind wasn’t in control anymore!
I close my eyes, take some deep breaths, connect to my body, get myself another white sheet of paper, hit play on one of my playlists and then… all of a sudden, out of the blue, it begins to unfold.
I draw half of the upper body of a woman and what seemed like a big dress and from then on, I would fully surrender and immerse myself into a deep experience of feeling the shame of being a woman, the guilt and judgement of desiring sex, the fraud of not standing in my own power and my own truth.
My hands move alone, the images come to me and I don’t even know where they’re coming from. It’s as if something is wanting to speak to me and I decide to trust the process and go along with it. I really don’t have to understand it! My mind really wants to, but I don’t!
There’s a sweetness and a loving side to this energy coming to life in that paper, a side of her that seems to be betrayed and misunderstood, which made her rise up as this furious, enraged, powerful and fierce destroyer.
Throughout the whole process, there were some moments that really screamed out to me because they were very intense and I could feel them in my body, in the fast rhythm of my breath, in the tears rolling down my face, and in the rage and fear I was feeling inside.
The moment my pencil marks a spot in the yoni area, I am in shock and I can’t believe my eyes as I witness my hand doing it! In that moment, I could feel an intensifying strength in my arm that kept marking it really hard as she was saying to me:
“Yes! YES! There! It’s there! Own it! That’s really it! Don’t question! Don’t doubt! Don’t run away! That’s right there!”.
My hand keeps the pencil hitting that spot in the paper. I hit the pencil so hard and the energy is so intense that it almost seems I’ll be tearing off the paper. And in that moment, she starts to bleed — a river of blood, a volcanic explosion of blood that would go right to the centre of the earth bathing innumerable skulls which I refused to draw. That drawing was surely becoming too weird for me and since I’m not a drawing artist, I chose to skip drawing pilled bones and skulls.
Well, I could refuse to draw for sure but it surely wasn’t stopping there. Whatever was happening and whoever was creating that drawing, was hell yeah determined to make her point, to be seen and to be heard.
And from there, all of a sudden, I feel this sensation of being invaded by a wooden stick that would penetrate me through my vagina all the way up to my heart and throat, feeling like I was being crossed over from one side to the other. As this happened, I saw glimpses of men penetrating women as they raped them. From there, this huge rage began to build up inside of me and what was once painful and invasive, became a life force running through her, through me, from her yoni all the way up to her heart and throat.
And she spoke! OMG, she was speaking! I could hear her speaking to the men:
”How dare you doing this to me? I give you life! I feed you! I nurture you!”
“I will kill you all!”
“You will ALL die!”
And a deep roar of suffering reached out into the skies as I listened to her howling “NOooooooo!”
She was not only speaking to men but she was also speaking to me. You know, she wanted me to draw her with her legs fully and wide spread. Very timidly, I draw them spread, but she insisted that they were meant to be FULLY wide open.
And she spoke:
“Open them! Don’t be afraid! Don’t be ashamed! Hide no more! Own the fullness of you! Stand tall! Stand strong!”.
She wasn’t happy yet and so she kept going:
“Open up! Open up! Wider! Wider! Let them see ALL of you! Fear no more! Fear no more! Own yourself! Hide nothing! Fear nothing! Fully, fully open! Don’t you hear me?”.
I could hear her for sure! There’s no question about it! I was shaking all over and I drew her legs wider but it wasn’t enough yet. She wasn’t going to stop for sure. She had a message she wanted to make come across and she was going to do it no matter what. Was I up to the challenge? I was crying my eyes out, my hands were sweating and my whole body was shaking. There was no turning back and, in that moment, I decide that I might as well surrender fully to the process.
She went on:
“Don’t you hear me? I said OPEN UP! FULLY OPEN UP! I mean FULLY… FULLY, FULLY OPEN UP! Open until you feel you are breaking and tearing yourself apart! I am going to turn your world upside down!”
I have to pause. I cry and I shake to the bones! Every cell in my body is shaking.
And I am sitting there wondering “Who the hell is this image which not only happens to be blue (go figure) but she also looks like she has lots of arms?”. I was part of the Rewilding Group founded by Sabrina Lynn so I asked if they knew what that could be about, and they were all unanimous — KALI!
Well, it looks like I had an encounter with Kali! Still to this day I haven’t done any research on Kali, except for googling her image when the women told me it was her, to find my jaw dropping to the floor when I saw the similarity of what I saw in my experience and what google was showing me.
Research? What for? More food to the mind? Nope!
I felt her! I heard her! I sensed her! I saw her! I experienced her! She is me! I am her!
That’s good enough for me!
TODAY, one year later, I can tell you this — she did turn my world upside down!