My battle with weight began when I was around 16. I have never been too obese but I was definitely overweight. No matter how many people would tell me I looked good, I didn’t feel good at all, either about the way I looked or about the way I felt.
I would engage in crazy gym challenges and diets and, needless to say, it only worked out for a short period of time. And then, everything would start all over again.
I won’t go into the guilt or the shame that battle brought along. That’s not the reason I’m writing this.
Back in 2015, I started doing some major spiritual and self-development healing work on myself and around that time, after hitting a threshold of physical pain in my joints, I could hear my body shouting out loud that it was time for a deep change. I could feel this time the decision was coming from a totally different place inside of me… I was certain I was going to change!
And I did! I started taking care of the food I would put inside my body and I started to feel awesome, lighter and more energised than ever. The joints pain completely disappeared and I could move my body in ways that I couldn’t do before.
I was feeling AMAZING! Had I finally owned this? Was it really possible? I was so HAPPY!
In January 2017, I had a surgery to an epigastric hernia and it didn’t take long for me to realise I was going back to the old patterns and I was bullshitting myself with a bunch of excuses to eat some cookies late in the evening or even to have some chips twice a week.
My belly started getting bigger (I don’t know about you, but for me it’s always the belly!) and I would fool myself telling myself that it was due to the hernia surgery.
There was a thought running over and over in my mind - “NOT AGAIN!”
And the more I heard it, the more I didn’t want to look at it and the more cookies I felt like eating. (By the way, I would make sure the cookies were the healthy kind of cookies, fooling myself that those were not a big deal.)
One day, with love, no judgement whatsoever, and as curious as I could be, I decided it was time to go deeper to find out the real root of this, since it was clear I was not healed yet. I knew that in this internal system of making decisions there should be a belief that was making me sabotage my outcome.
Sitting outside, with the help of Tony Robbins’ book Awaken the Giant Within, EUREKA!
I had a f*cking breakthrough, and then others followed! (Wow … multiple breakthroughs?! Oh… yes, there’s more than just multiple orgasms! ;) )
I realised I took a lot of pleasure out of the process of losing weight! It gave me a challenge to pursue and I would get an immense sense of accomplishment and big achievement in succeeding at losing weight. Now… guess what? For me to be able to engage in that achievement of losing weight, I would need to have weight to lose to begin with. I would put on weight to engage in the process of being successful at losing it afterwards (how fucked up is that?!).
And then…another breakthrough! Succeeding at losing weight would make me feel really significant. As others would notice me and tell me “Oh, you lost weight!” or “Hum, you look thinner!”, instead, I would hear them say “you look awesome” or “you look pretty” and what that really meant was “I SEE YOU!”.
BOOOMMMM… another massive breakthrough hitting me hard!
I had created this belief that others would never see me, that I was unnoticeable! So, I ended up finding a way to have people looking at me and really see me!
You see, my sister, who is one year younger than me, she is so beautiful that as long as I can remember being a child, every time we would go anywhere with our parents, everybody would look at her and comment on how beautiful she was and how beautiful her eyes were. Hardly ever anyone would notice me and when they did, they would turn to me second place and say “oh…and you…you are beautiful too”. (Today I imagine myself showing them the finger! ;) )
I was only 2 or 3 years old (yes, I know… I have a great memory…and I can go even further back in time – amazing what babies can remember, right?) and that was how I perceived and experienced the events; that was the meaning I gave to them and from there I made a decision and soon a limiting belief was born.
And as time went by, life made sure to provide me enough evidence to prove me that I was right. I had become the creator of a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Now that I uncovered the root cause, healing can finally begin!
If you are curious about the questions that helped me uncover this story, or if there’s something you want to change in your life, I share more in my other article.
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