Today I had a breakthrough! I have just experienced with full awareness how subtle this self-love thing can be and I wanted to share it with you! There's a chance that some part of this story may resonate with you and you can take out some value from it.
Last December I made great, awesome and unique friends at Tony Robbins' Date with Destiny in Florida, USA. (for those of you who don't know about Tony Robbins or if you even wonder what that event is about I would suggest that you watch "I am Not Your Guru" on Netflix.)
One of these amazing new friends, a phenomenal woman and so talented artist, Susie Suh, sent me all the way from the USA four essential oils to help me recover faster from an epigastric hernia surgery. When the oils arrived, she explained me what I needed to do to apply them. So, the only thing I needed was to get some carrier oil, like coconut or almond oil or even any other, blend it with some drops of the essential oils and massage my belly in the area where the hernia used to be.
Guess what?! It has been 6 days since those oils arrived and I haven’t applied them yet. Why not? “I don’t have the carrier oil”, I thought. “When I get it, I’ll do it!” And then I asked myself: “when are you going to buy it?”; “what are you waiting for?”
How come that woman, Susie, used her time and energy to go to the post office and send me those oils and I wouldn’t take 5 minutes to buy the carrier oil? Did she love me more than I loved myself? This questions made me tremble! Very often, things aren’t what they seem to be! I was hiding behind the excuse that I didn’t have the carrier oil, when in fact the truth is that I was not loving myself and making myself a priority. Why was that?
And that was when it hit me! Even though I have walked a long path on this healing journey of loving myself, this is a daily process and I can’t take it for granted or as something I can be distracted from. I need to be present, I need to be mindful and to daily remind myself to love myself … Being naïvely distracted from my own self is a recipe for disaster. I need to stand guard at the door of my mind while taking care of my inner garden, otherwise weeds will grow.
And this just reminded me of the beautiful poem by Antonio Machado I once read… that poem stroke me so deep down into my core, shook me inside out, ripped me off and for the first time in my life I had the breakthrough that I didn’t love myself.
In the past, every time I engaged in any behaviour that would make me feel important or loved, even if it was just a glimpse of it, guilt and blame would be riding the thoughts “who the hell do you think you are?”; “what?! Do you think you’re special?” or “what do you think makes you so fucking special?”… and it would go on and on and on…
The truth is that I wanted so badly to be loved ... and I had the limiting belief that being important was the opposite of being humble. So I thought I had to stay low, to be less, to play small, and without even knowing it, I was annihilating myself so deeply that my soul started aching.
Because Life is a wonderful teacher, it keeps bringing me all sorts of different situations so that I understand how important I am and that there’s nothing wrong about it. Life keeps showing me that there’s no reason to feel guilty for making myself a priority and for feeling that I am important and that I do matter.
Life keeps showing me that if I think I’m not important nothing else ever will be. Every time I neglect my own needs and every time I don’t love myself, I suffer and from that suffering place I judge others, I get angry, I get frustrated, I doubt my own capacities, my own strengths, my own inner power, my own inner voice, my soul, my spirit, and that’s when fear kicks in, that’s when the mind starts to rule my life, that’s when the mind kicks the heart out and runs over it, shutting its voice, its truth, its wisdom. True Wisdom and True Love live only in the heart, not in the mind!
How can I think anyone else is more important than me, if we are all connected? We are not separate! It all begins in me! I need to be the change I want to see in the world and that’s why I am 100% committed in loving myself, cherish myself and honour myself, and that means loving myself unconditionally, with the shadow and light that live within me.
Fully committed in loving myself so that I can love others, I went to buy the carrier oil and all it took was 5 minutes of my time and 1,14 euros. And to commit even further I decided to write this post and share it with you. And now I know that every night, if my mind wants to make me believe that it’s better to go to sleep than to massage my belly with the healing oil, I know I will be letting myself down along with all of you, who is reading this blog post. You are holding me accountable ;)
What about you? Have you loved yourself today?
Let me know in the comments if this resonates with you in any point. I would love to read it!