How to Set Boundaries

Having trouble setting boundaries? If you have any trouble setting boundaries, know that you are not alone. They are hard for all of us and if you were born (like me) with the tendency to please everyone around you, it gets even harder.

Setting boundaries is huge for people pleasers!!! Anticipating an emotional reaction to our boundaries is a struggle and it can be overwhelming for people like me, who feel deep.

Some years ago, I recall a friend who I consider a boundaries queen (she nails that sh*t like a pro!) asking me what I found so difficult about putting a boundary in place. At the time, the only thing I could tell her was how it actually felt in my body. See if you can relate to what I told her that day:

— Imagine you haven’t been to the gym in years, you now weigh 150kg and you have to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes… imagine how that would feel… Well, I’d still rather go on that treadmill than setting a boundary to which I am expecting an emotional reaction.

She had no idea that it was that hard!

But let me share with you that, like everything in life, the more you practise, the better you get at doing it. Remember... Every time you draw a boundary, you show yourself a little more love.

And here’s a free hack — when you do set a boundary, make sure to shake that booty and celebrate. That's how you rewire your nervous system to want to do it again.

Here's what you need to know — Your boundaries are YOUR responsibility! You need to know them and communicate them. Setting boundaries IS your job! What IS NOT your job is to manage people's reaction to your boundary!!! Their emotional reaction is theirs and it’s not yours to manage.

Here's some hacks on setting a boundary:

1. Once you're clear about the boundary, you need to set it in place and communicate it in a SIMPLE way. Simple is key here. The more we go about giving way too much information, we’re creating space for the possibility to fail in following through with it.

2. You do not need to explain yourself.

3. You do not need to apologize for it.

4. Be prepared and expect an emotional reaction. If you prepare yourself for there to be a reaction, then it’s easier to simply let it come. And please, don't make it about you, because it is not. It’s THEIR reaction. Breathe through their reaction and repeat to yourself: "This is not my responsibility. It's not my job to manage their feelings".

5. Be prepared for the possibility of your own self-judgment talk to creep in afterwards. It’s normal if it does. After all, this thing of setting boundaries is a challenge and we’re still practising putting them in place. If (or when) that inner critic shows up, stay present to it, show those thoughts your love and remember that you don’t have to believe them. Remember that you’re not your thoughts. Give yourself a lot of Love and compassion if (or when) the self-judgment talk creeps in. It will get easier with time and practise.

And please, remember... it's not so much that you are saying "no" to others, but that you are saying YES to yourself.

What's a boundary you know you need to set? What do you worry will happen if you do it?

Leave a comment below. I always read and reply to comments!

#SetYourBoundaries #BoundariesAreAnActOfSelfLove #YouOweItToYourself#SelfLoveRevolution

Stop beating yourself up!

If you're going through some hardships, or maybe you're beating yourself up over something, this is for you!

About three years ago I was going through some TOUGH sh*t in my personal life and at the time I was part of an amazing supportive badass program/group created and led by the amazing Jason Goldberg.

I remember one particular day being quite tough and I was looking for a way to be able to come out of a state that wasn't serving me.

I had the strategies and the tools. I had the know-how but I was stuck and kept resisting shifting into a more playful approach to the issue. Sounds familiar?

And then, my dear friend Jennifer dropped this mic-drop-mind-blowing wisdom bomb comment:

"Ooopps, If you played with this then you'd have to forgive yourself and give yourself a break. Then what might your life be like?"

That comment shifted everything for me!

So, my friend... where in your life are you taking yourSelf so seriously?

Where in your life are you being so hard on yourSelf, causing you to hold yourSelf back?

Where in your life are you judging yourSelf so hard, causing you to play small in your birthright to being awesomely happy?

What would be possible for you if you would actually step up and dared to LOVE the sh*t out of yourSelf?

#DareToLoveTheShitOutOfYourSelf

©Teresa Pimenta

No More Body Shame

It doesn’t matter how others see you. In the end what really matters is how you see yourself. It doesn’t matter how beautiful, intelligent or attractive others may find you. If you don’t see it or feel it yourself, in the end it is meaningless.

Once, in a retreat with my Buddhist Lama he asked “is the beauty in the flower or is the beauty in you?” I have been feeling into this for quite a while, and I have been seeing how the image and judgement I hold of myself actually conditions my experience of others and the world. That’s such a debilitating filter to have!

I have always struggled with body image and weight issues, and I’ve always judged myself really hard on that. No matter how many times my former partners would tell me I was beautiful, sexy, sensual… I have always struggled to take that in!

“How could they be so blind?”, I used to think. And many times, those compliments used to piss me off, because I was forced to sit with my own lack of self-love, and I silently hated them for that. It was right there, crystal clear on my face… them… holding the mirror for me.

Beach pictures?! OMG! Those were always a nightmare. And if I ever dared to have one or another taken, I couldn’t put my eyes on them afterwards.

Last weekend was no exception. But this time, a more pure and authentic love was holding the mirror, and I could do nothing else but SURRENDER… I mean, if I am actually REAL about this healing journey, which I am!

There we were, me and my 11-year-old kid, absolutely stunned by the beauty of the river, the blue sky, the warmth of winter sun, the boats, the seagulls, the sound of the distant stormy sea, kids laughing and playing… BLISS!

Usually I’m always the one behind the camera capturing these moments, and having a blast while doing it. Very occasionally I dare to ask to be photographed, and last Saturday I did it. I have no idea what I was expecting to see in those pictures but without any surprise to me, I didn’t like them.

I kept looking at those pictures, and I kept witnessing a cascade of judgmental thoughts rushing through my mind as I stared and stared… I kept staring and I began to crop them. Would I be able to find a way to be in those photos without “ruining” them? If I kept my upper body only, maybe that should do it. Shit! Maybe not!

And I found myself focusing on how much weight I have put on, how my belly stood out, how my comfy cotton yoga bra didn’t make my titties look sexy… and the list went on and on.

Why couldn’t the pictures be as beautiful as I wanted them to be? Why the fuck couldn’t I fit into the beauty that was all around me? How come I had so much beauty inside to be able to see the world as beautiful, but I couldn’t see myself the same way?

And then… his sweet wise voice stopped me in my tracks! As he peeks over my shoulder to see what I was doing, he says: “Why are you cropping them? You’re ruining the pictures!”

OMG!!! He is so right! What am I teaching him with this behaviour? Can’t I just fully accept myself as I am RIGHT NOW? I am 46… when will that happen?!

And so I stopped! The cropping wasn’t saving either the pictures or me. Where else in life have I been cropping parts of myself?

Let’s own this shit, Teresa! What do you want your kid to grow up learning? Do you want your kid to grow up not loving himself or his body? Oh yes… I have also judged his body too. Not verbally! Not out loud! But I have silently judged his little belly that tends to show up too.

This has been on my mind since last Saturday, and this morning, as I woke up and was getting ready for my yoga practice, I decided I would take some time to honour my body and hide no more. How fucking powerful is this body?! It was built to last. The scars are also proof of that!

My body has endured generating and giving life to two human beings, bringing them into the world through two painful and invasive caesareans. It has gone through the trauma of an epigastric hernia surgery… And what about all the unexpressed stuffed emotions it has had to deal with, for ages? And what about all the anger trapped inside? What about all the judgement, and making her look less than beautiful and perfect just the way she is? What about all the bad food choices and lack of exercise?

It’s because of this powerful body that I am allowed to FEEL DEEPLY!

As I stood there, honouring my body, pouring love into my cells, my skin, my bones and my flesh, I dared to SEE myself, as I asked for forgiveness.

And what I saw was BEAUTIFUL!

I could fool myself into believing that I was being fully authentic and honouring my body, by admitting the cropping of the pictures, and showing you an original one below (the only one that survived my frustration!). That surely would have been a big step too!

But you know what'? I’ve had enough of this bullshit of body shaming myself!

So, knowing how creatively skillful I have become at deceiving myself, after years of people pleasing, I want to DIVE right into the fear of being FULLY SEEN. Daring to dance with fear one more time, I want to step up my game, and be COURAGEOUS to do what scares me right now. I want to shine a bright light on my body. I want to shine a light on SHAME, that feeds off hiding and staying in the shadow.

My journey of honouring and loving my body starts today. And odds are that the true healing begins too.

If it was easy, SELF-LOVE wouldn’t be a REVOLUTIONARY act!

Here’s to the Self-Love Revolution!

#HonourEveryBitOfYourProcess #EveryLittleStepMatters #SelfLoveRevolution #NoMoreBodyShame

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Honour Every Step Of Your Process

Do you ever struggle with PERFECTIONISM? Do you hold yourself back because you think the right conditions are not in place? If so, keep reading.

Back in 2016 when I started coaching, I had a client from Bulgaria who wanted to learn how to make these pancakes that I make, and so I decided to give it a go and record a video with my first (and only so far - still using THAT one) brand new android phone.

So, there I was, getting a hand on this whole new technology stuff. I didn't know how to put the video together BUT I said I would do it. Knowing myself I knew I would find a way, and I did!

OMG! Today, watching that video... oh man, it looks so... BASIC (for lack of a better word) 😂🤣 Free advertising, I guess … ;)

Here are the TWO LESSONS I learned from getting out of my own way and leaving perfectionism aside:

1) Take ACTION! Don't hold yourself back!

Don’t get caught in the perfectionism bullsh*t. We all have to start somewhere, and many times (if not most of the times) BEGINNINGS don’t look neat or pretty or even polished. Nevertheless, it is THAT very first step that actually takes us where we want to go.

2) DARE to honour the beginnings!

Don’t be ashamed of your baby steps! Can you imagine making fun of yourself while you were learning how to walk or to speak? And the way to overcome this is to show up authentically. Yep, I want you to know that there's a part of me that's TOTALLY NOT HAPPY about me sharing this AT ALL! 😂🤣 (And that’s the reason I’m doing it anyway!)

So… honour EVERY MOMENT of your process! Celebrate the big AND small steps!!! Every Little Step Matters!

Take a moment and think about ONE thing that you have been putting off because you're falling for the trap of perfectionism? Got it? Now ask yourself: what's ONE little step that I can take to put me in the direction of making that thing happen?

You’ve got this!

Speak The F*ck Up

What happens when we actually talk about what we don’t like about ourselves? What happens when we bring light into the darkest aspects of ourselves?

Well, I was dared to write down five traits I don't like about myself, and to record a video talking about it. I didn’t have to post or show the video to anyone. I could even delete it afterwards.

“Come up with 5 things I don't like about myself? That’s EASY!!!”, I thought to myself. Well, not quite! Not only did it turn out to be harder than I thought to come up with those five things, but I also found myself stuck in that process: “Are these really THE ONES I don't like about myself?"

No wonder! One of the things I don't like about myself is second guessing myself!!!! LOL

Thinking I would be on my own (at least so I thought! The ego has interesting ways to get in the way of our growth - if you watch the video below, you’ll understand what I am talking about), I decided to sit with that assignment and record the video, and see what would come up.

JUICY AF, I must say!

Second guessing myself as a result of decades of people pleasing, and mastering the art of fitting in (without even knowing it) was brought to the light in this raw video. I guess this is me evolving OUT LOUD!

I then decided that posting the video to the public would be a huge step forward in facing the FEAR of being fully authentic. Posting the video isn’t about people watching it. It’s about me facing the fear of showing up so raw, unedited and unfiltered.

It’s a paralysing fear, and I am committed into not being held hostage by it.

It’s crazy to notice that there’s a big fear of what my family will think or say about me, crying in a video out into the public. Chances are they’ll think I’m crazy. But you know what?!

I’m NOT CRAZY. I AM READY! I AM F*CKING READY!!!

After all the release (that can be witnessed in the video below), I sat down with the experience, and here’s the insight I got from all that time talking to/with/about myself — if I don’t pay close attention, and fully connect to the truth of who I am, the fact that I have been doing this work for a while can actually be an excuse for the ego to judge me.

“How can that be?”, you may be asking yourself. Here’s how I see it:

The ego will take turns in showing up as the solution to the problem it created in the 1st place, judging its previous manifestation, almost as if peeling off skin, and pretending to be another "entity", one after the other…

Also, if I am not mindful, the ego can easily keep me stuck under the illusion that tapping into feeling all these human emotions is nothing but a waste of time, because “now I know better”.But here’s the thing… Spiritual bypass doesn’t work.

There’s no shortcuts to healing! We have to feel it to heal it! We need to ALLOW the emotion, honour it, create a loving space for it to be expressed, fully see it and ACCEPT it for what it is.

So... here's my commitment for this 2019 (and for the rest of my life):

1 - SPEAK UP about my feelings;

2 - HONOUR my emotions as a manifestation of my human experience;

3 - Create SPACE for whatever may be showing up in my life, either in my inner or outer world;

4 - NURTURE my childlike curiosity;

5 - DARE to be 5% more authentic every step of the way, until it becomes who I am (and if it doesn't, be ok with that too);

6 - LOVE MYSELF, treating myself with kindness and compassion (no different from what I would do to a puppy or a baby).

So, here’s my dare to you! Grab a piece of paper and write down 5 traits you don’t like about yourself! Then, get your phone and record a video of you talking about it. If you want, you can pick one of the five, and only talk about that one. Of course you don’t have to share that video with anyone. You can even delete it afterwards.

Aren’t you curious to see what happens when you TALK about it? Aren’t you curious to find out what happens when you bring light into that shadow?

All I can say is that I found FREEDOM on the other side of that video.

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Facing Fear

I faced FEAR today!

Holy shit... My legs shook like hell... I felt my heart beating in every inch of my body... It was not death but it sure felt like it!

— B*itch, STOP this car R.I.G.H.T N.O.W! — Fear yelled.

In that moment I felt trapped. It felt way too dangerous, and way too scary, to keep driving up the mountain. The road was too narrow and so damn steep. I could see the road disappearing under the car as I curved… OMG!!! It seemed the car was flying — all I could see was the car and the sky.

F*ck!!! My car has no wings and neither do I!

At that point, the only way to feeling great and safe again (OMG, I wanted it so badly!) was to go all the way up! Literally, there was no turning back.

Suddenly, the fear of keep moving forward became smaller than turning the car around, and so I kept going.

When I finally stopped the car, it felt like a huge relief! My legs were shaking, and I could barely walk! I took some deep breaths in and out, and walked all the way up to the top.

And you know what? Fear wouldn’t shut up:

— Are you happy now? I hope this shit was worth it! What do you expect to find here? There are only big rocks here! And you’re also afraid of rocks, remember?

As I watched my son exploring the surroundings, I fooled myself into the illusion that I was enjoying myself, hiding behind the camera, and taking some pictures of him. Fear wasn’t going anywhere, and it wasn’t giving up either, as it shouted:

— How the hell are you going to drive your way down? I can’t believe you brought us here!

Fear was hysterical, and for me to be able to live that experience fully, I had to take a moment to acknowledge its presence, breathe and let it know that everything was going to be ok.

(At this point I am fooling myself… what else can I do? Fake it until you make it!).

Yes, it seemed dangerous! Yes, it looked and felt scary... But I would drive very slowly and carefully on the way down. If others can do it, I can also do it myself.

Now, there was nothing Fear could do, but I… I could choose: I could freak out or I could enjoy the wonderful experience of being there, at the mountain top. I mean, being truly and actually there, and NOT pretending that I was there!

And so I made a decision. I decided I wanted to BE FULLY PRESENT!

Fear stood there, aside, arms crossed, grumbling and waiting for the moment to go down:

— This b*tch, since she met that Tony Robbins guy and walked on that fire, she doesn't listen to me like she used to... and with all that meditation and self-development bullsh*t she is into, she thinks she can dare and defy me... Well... I gotta say that we’ve been to some quite amazing places, and met some extraordinary people but …

(bla bla bla)

SILENCE entered my body! I don’t recall ever experiencing that kind of silence. The immense space before my eyes, all the mountains around, the different autumn colours blending together and kissing the blue of the sky, two birds flying around and playing together in a dance only they understood…

The silence and I became one! And in that moment, I was FREE!

On the way down... OMG... Fear was freaking out again and making a scene!

As I write this and share this story with you, I found it very curious to witness my reaction to feeling trapped and scared — I wanted it to STOP! I wanted to quit! I froze, and I wanted someone to come and save me. I wanted to throw the towel and have someone come and get my car out of there.

I guess this is exactly what Tony Robbins means, when he says that if you want to take the island, you gotta burn the damn boats. Having escape doors will make you use them when standing before Fear.

I wonder how many times we all go through moments like this where we feel fearful, or scared, and we want to give up, run away or have someone to come and save us?!

So, if I could share something powerful and transformational with you, here are TWO things I would say:

1) What is your biggest fear in life? What are you most afraid of in your life?

STOP reading now, and take a moment to write down what comes up for you when you ask yourself that question.

(I hope you have PAUSED!)

2) What could be a fear bigger than that fear? What could it be that you could fear even more than the thing you fear the most?

What if the only way to going down and feeling great again is going all the way up?

At the top of the moutain…

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The Question That Shaped My Life

Back in December 2016, I was at Tony Robbins’s six-day seminar in Florida, Date with Destiny and there I had A LOT of breakthroughs (another word for that would be insight). For those of you who have not been to a TR event or haven’t heard much about him, the best thing you can do to understand what he is truly about is to watch the documentary I’m Not Your Guru on Netflix.

One of the countless things I’ve learned from Tony Robbins is that QUESTIONS determine your focus, and what you focus on is what you experience and what you get from life.

So, today I want to tell you about a major aha moment I had with what he calls the PRIMARY QUESTION.

A Primary Question is a dominant question you ask yourself on a consistent basis, and that filters your thinking (conscious and unconscious). It’s a question that pops up constantly across contexts. Even if you aren’t consciously aware of it, you believe that if you live by this question, you will feel ultimate success, pleasure and fulfilment. Your identity is often tied to this question. You experience life through the lenses of it.

Now that you know what a primary question is, let me share with you what MY primary question has been for 44 years.

I have lived my life through the lens of this question — “How can I make this better?”.

For me, life, in all its areas, was always about improving, making better, making more effective, more inspirational, more impactful. I was always looking for ways to make anything, I mean, ANYTHING better.

The magical thing about having a “aha” moment with Tony Robbins is that he always makes sure you find the higher intent behind any of your behaviour / decision / emotion. So, not only was I able to uncover that primary question, but to also see both the benefits and the downsides of it.

As TR also teaches us, first let’s go for the UPSIDES of that. What were the empowering effects that came about for asking that question? What did that question do for me?

Well, here’s what I found out: to consistently ask myself that question, I believed that there’s always a better way; that there’s always space for improvement; that change is needed, and that change is something positive. I learned not to settle, to become more creative and more determined.

And what about the DOWNSIDES? What did that cost me?

I must confess this was a very deep and emotional moment. When I was face to face with the truth of it, I cried as I became aware that I was always too hard on myself, always demanding too much from me; I didn’t enjoy being myself because I was always looking for ways to make ME better, and that means in some moments I was making ME wrong.

I would always try to “fix” others and make them better, as if there was anything wrong with them… Can you imagine how I have made people feel in the past? OMG, so many things I did wrong with my kids and my relationships. It’s a fact that what I did to myself I would do to others. I know I did the best I could with the resources I had but it hurt like hell to think about the pain I caused, especially to my kids.

TR helped me find out WHY I had that as my primary question.

For some reason (well, like I said I had a lot of breakthroughs, so I know the reason, but I’ll tell you about that in another post) I had this belief that if I didn’t make things better, more inspirational, more impactful, etc., people wouldn’t notice me, I would be unseen, which means I would be ignored, which means I would be insignificant, which means I wouldn’t be loved.

What a scary frightened little girl there was living inside of me!

So now, I cherish and nurture that part of me, the scary one, the one looking for love and significance. And I also forgave myself for the pain I caused to my kids.

If we are always looking for ways to make things/people better, we are not allowing space for things/people to be just the way they are.

Many times, WE just want to be loved, THEY just want to be loved, I just want to be loved… unconditionally loved, being imperfectly perfect.

And there are moments that we just need to BE and not DO. After all, are we human beings or human doings?

So… I am so thrilled and excited to share with you my NEW Primary Question –

“How can I appreciate even more the beauty and the perfection of what is in this present moment, trusting that I am always guided?”

Can you imagine how different my life will be having this question as a filtering lens?

Now, I’m curious to know…

What is a question you repeatedly ask yourself? What do you consistently focus on? What question do you ask most often based on this focus?

It’s my deepest wish that this story may help you in some way, and I would love to know what your primary question is. So, please leave your comment below.

And remember, YOU are imperfectly perfect.

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Have You Loved Yourself Today?

Today I had a breakthrough! I have just experienced with full awareness how subtle this self-love thing can be and I wanted to share it with you! There's a chance that some part of this story may resonate with you, and you can get some value from it.

Last December I made great, awesome and unique friends at Tony Robbins' Date with Destiny in Florida, USA. (For those of you who don't know about Tony Robbins or if you even wonder what that event is about, I would suggest that you watch “I am Not Your Guru” on Netflix)

One of these amazing new friends, a phenomenal woman and so talented artist, Susie Suh, sent me four essential oils all the way from the USA, to help me recover faster from an epigastric hernia surgery.

When the oils arrived, she explained to me what I needed to do to apply them. So, the only thing I needed was to get some carrier oil, like coconut or almond oil (or any other), blend it with some drops of the essential oils, and massage my belly in the area where the hernia used to be.

Guess what?! It has been 6 days since those oils arrived, and I haven’t applied them yet. Why not? “I don’t have carrier oil”, I thought. “When I get it, I’ll do it!” And then I asked myself: “when are you going to buy it?”; “what are you waiting for?”

How come that woman, Susie, used her time and energy to go to the post office and send me those oils, and I wouldn’t take 5 minutes to buy the carrier oil? Did she love me more than I loved myself? This question made me tremble!

Very often, things aren’t what they seem to be. I was hiding behind the excuse that I didn’t have the carrier oil, when in fact the truth is that I was not loving myself nor making myself a priority. Why was that? And that’s when it hit me.

Even though I’ve walked a long path on this healing journey of loving myself, this is a daily process, and I can’t take it for granted or as something I can be distracted from. I need to be present! I need to be mindful, and to remind myself daily to love myself.

Being naïvely distracted from my own self is a recipe for disaster. I need to stand guard at the door of my mind while taking care of my inner garden, otherwise weeds will grow.

In the past, every time I engaged in any behaviour that would make me feel important or loved, even if it was just a glimpse of it, guilt and blame would be running the show: “who the hell do you think you are?”, “what?! Do you think you’re special?”, “what do you think makes you so fucking special?”… and it would go on and on and on…

The truth is that I wanted so badly to be loved ... So I thought I had to stay low, to be less, to play small, and without even knowing it, I was annihilating myself so deeply that my soul started aching.

Because Life is a wonderful teacher, it keeps bringing me all sorts of different situations, so that I understand how important I am, and that there’s nothing wrong about it. Life keeps showing me that there’s no reason to feel guilty for making myself a priority, and for feeling that I am important and that I do matter.

Life keeps showing me that if I think I’m not important, nothing else will ever be.

Every time I neglect my own needs, and every time I don’t love myself, I suffer. And from that suffering place, I judge others, I get angry, I get frustrated, I doubt my own capacities, my own strengths, my own inner power, my own inner voice, my soul, my spirit.

That’s when fear kicks in! That’s when the mind starts to rule my life. That’s when the mind kicks the heart out, and runs over it, shutting its voice, its truth, its wisdom. True Wisdom and True Love live only in the heart, not in the mind!

How can I think anyone else is more important than me, if we are all connected? We are not separate!

It all begins with me and in me!

I need to be the change I want to see in the world, and that’s why I am 100% committed to loving myself, cherishing myself and honouring myself, and that means loving myself unconditionally, with both the shadow and light that live within me.

Fully committed to loving myself so that I can love others, I went to buy the carrier oil and all it took was 5 minutes of my time and 1,14 euros.

What about you? Have you loved yourself today?

Let me know in the comments if this resonates with you at any point. I would love to read it!

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