People Pleaser

From Anger To Love And How I Began To Trust Myself

Finding out who I am after over 40 years of a life of people pleasing, of avoiding conflict at any cost, it has been nothing short but a damn hard adventure and also a surprisingly worthy challenge.

Was this conscious? Was I aware that I was pleasing others? Was I aware that I was avoiding confrontation to the expense of annihilating myself? Hell no!

Today, many pains and many tears later, I know that in each of those moments that I stayed low, played small, hid myself, said yes when I wanted to say no, smiled when I wanted to cry, agreed and pleased when I wanted to say “fuck you”… Today I know that in all those moments I was betraying myself, losing complete respect for myself as I believed the tyrant I had become to myself — the tyrant that made me believe that who I was as a person was WRONG, that I was unlovable and that I was a worthless piece of shit!

How could I trust myself? How could I trust others? How could I trust life if I couldn’t even trust myself enough to honour my own truth?

With all the pain and hurt, I started playing defensive and shutting myself more and more, not only to others but also to myself. As time went by, I was further and further away from myself, from my truth, from who I truly was. Buried deeper and deeper away from the light of my true self, I began to fade away. I had forgotten about myself! Life has forgotten about me! So it seemed… And the more I lost touch with myself, the higher the walls I began to build around me.

I was definitely locked inside the dungeons of an old castle, protected by a fortress armed with guards, ready to fight the slightest threat! I had built that fortress and buried myself in it. I became a lunatic guard to the castle, always ready to fight any perceived or hallucinated threat, which at that point in my life was basically anything that was out of my control. I was a wounded animal! My flesh was in the open air and the slightest breeze of air would cause a huge amount of pain and hurt like hell! A simple question such as "why don't you...?" sounded like a battle cry. That was not a question to me. It was a threat! I would not hear those words but instead I would hear "what you're doing is wrong!", "who you are is wrong!"

All that triggered me to battle! I fought hard! I kicked and scream and sure as hell I’ve hurt many people in the way. I was fucking angry! Rage was burning inside and was the king of the castle!

No matter how hard I tried to make others happy, that mission was failing over and over again. Not only did I not know who I was, but the one I believed to be, the pleaser, was doing a miserable job. What a worthless piece of shit I was! The significant others were not happy around me or pleased at all and I was a total wreck, a human failure.

And it was only when I hurt the ones that I love the most, that it would hit me straight into the heart. You know, I didn’t care about myself! I was not important! I didn’t matter! My feelings didn’t matter. After all, I was such a bad person, so unlovable and such a worthless piece of shit. But hurting them? That caused a huge amount of pain and it would make me even more furious.

To those I’ve hurt, I’ve already asked for forgiveness. As for me, I’ve not only asked for forgiveness, but I actually forgave myself for it. How else could I love myself if I wasn’t capable of forgiving myself for the hurt and pain I inflicted upon me?! If I ever wanted to feel true love in my heart, that was the only way.

Having brought those walls down, having allowed myself to be seen raw and naked in my vulnerability and my humanity, I am now on a daily journey of reclaiming my voice, daring to speak my truth and show up authentic in the world. And just like a drug addict, it’s a day by day process. Celebrating every moment of authenticity and vulnerability, mothering and nurturing myself when I don’t do it, rejoicing in the bliss and humility of being boldly present through all of it.

What brought me here? The Love others generously and kindly projected onto me brought me here. The love of the brave ones who dare to love fiercely through the hardships, brought me here.

Today I can write about it, I can see it clearly and today I am able to love myself through all of this… for who I have been, for who I am and for who I am becoming.

Today, I’m on a daily journey of choosing love and compassion, feeling deeply grateful for the greatest gift life has finally gifted me with — the LOVE that I feel in my heart, AT LAST!
And knowing in my bones that there’s no mistakes or regrets in Love, knowing with my whole being that Love is always worth it, I am now finally living from Love as Love!

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Healing The People Pleaser

What's the scariest thing for me as a people pleaser in recovery, who was always told to shut the fuck up?

SPEAK THE F*CK UP!

SHOW THE F*CK UP!

DARE to be fully seen in my VULNERABILITY and show up AUTHENTIC!

Having dared to step outside my comfort zone and show up doing a Facebook Live in the Tribe I created, was at the time a HUGE STEP! Still, I can see how I keep hiding behind the safety of a special place and being selective about who sees what.

I realise how many "gates" I can actually create for the world to see me. (That's how sneaky this can get!) There comes a time when I realise that I am half-daring and half-showing up. And there’s actually nothing wrong with that. It’s just that TODAY I feel like it’s time, and just for today, I want there to be no gates whatsoever.

Again, this is a huge step forward in facing the FEAR of being fully AUTHENTIC. You know, the fear will always be there and that’s one of the reasons practising daring and showing up is so crucial to me. I have tasted far too deep how crippling this fear is and can be if I let it control my life. There’s always a big fear of what my family will think or say about me, crying in a video out into the public. Chances are they’ll think I’m crazy! But you know what?! I’m NOT CRAZY!!!

I AM READY!!!! I AM FUCKING READY!!!

Do I really need to be seen? To be honest, I have no damn clue! But for me, this is where fear has been showing up big time and I know this is my free pass for the highway to freedom.

So, today I am sharing with all of you a behind the scenes (RAW & MESSY) of what happened inside that tribe of women a while back, where I held space for all the judgement, anger, frustration towards the people pleaser in me and it was only after this episode that I was able to finally ACCEPT and ACKNOWLEDGE that part of me.

Right now, the fearful side of me is in my head, doing everything it can, to have me post something else rather than this. To be totally honest, it´s been over 2 hours since I started this article.

It seems that there's this wave of authenticity and vulnerability showing up in the world and I can see how it can be easy to start rolling our eyes at that. And that's exactly the monologue the ego is having in my head right now: "Are you really going to write about that authenticity stuff, AGAIN? People are fed up with that!"

Oh yes baby, I am! Watch me! I won't be held prisoner today! It may happen tomorrow, but NOT today!

Doing this video allowed me to tap into unknown parts of myself and to learn that I can actually hold space for the WHOLENESS of me.

I don’t know a lot of stuff, but I KNOW THIS:

- I know for sure that HIDING in FEAR is no longer serving me and only stepping into this authentic & unfiltered experience of myself will I end up knowing myself deeply and truly.

- I know in my bones that authenticity will set me FREE and the more I dare into it, the more I TRUST myself!

- And I know in my bones that the more I TRUST myself, the more POWERFUL I'll be to have the GUTS to be willing to FIERCELESSLY go beyond personal identity.

I don't want personal power to be rich! I don't want personal power to be famous! I don't want personal power to impact millions! I want personal power to set myself free.

I am thirsty and starving for FREEDOM baby!

That's my legacy! That's the impact I want to have in this world!

Being part of this world, I can no longer hide in the false modesty that “I am not important” or that “I don't matter”. This shit ain't about me only! What the fuck is all this talk about "not enoughness" or "too muchness" doing for me or for the world?

Being part of this world, it's my responsibility to set myself free from the cage of fear and step into BOLDNESS!

Being part of this world, it's my responsibility to step away from the selfishness of ego that wants to make this all about me and keep hiding myself in my little world, in a small town, in a tiny country called Portugal.

Being part of this world, it's my duty to share this I AMNESS with all of you! And those who resonate, will vibrate along with me.


We're in for an AWESOME COSMIC RIDE people!


Bless you all

<3


In the meantime, I am RECOMMITING to my own commitment:

1 - SPEAK UP about my feelings;

2 - HONOUR my emotions has a manifestation of my HUMAN EXPERIENCE;

3 - CREATE SPACE to whatever may be showing up in my life, either in my inner or outer world;

4 - NURTURE my childlike CURIOSITY;

5 - DARE to be 5% MORE AUTHENTIC every step of the way until it becomes who I am (and if it doesn't, be ok with that too);

6 - LOVE MYSELF, treat myself with KINDNESS and COMPASSION (no different from what I would do to a puppy or a baby).



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Speak The F*ck Up

I have been doing a lot of personal work and lately I have been following Kyle Alan Cease.
I joined his community and in one of his videos he dared us to write down 5 traits we don't like about ourselves and record a video talking about it. We didn’t have to post or show the video to anyone. We could even delete it afterwards.

The idea was to find out what happens when we actually talk about what we don’t like about ourselves. What happens when we bring light into the darkest aspects of ourselves?

“Come up with 5 things I don't like about myself? EASY!!!”

Well, not only did it turn out to be harder than I thought to come up with those five, but I also found myself stuck in that process!

“Are these really THE ONES I don't like about myself?" No wonder!!!! One of the things that I don't like about myself is second guessing myself!!!! LOL

Today, since I would be on my own (at least so I thought! The ego has interesting ways to get in the way of our growth - watch the video and you’ll understand what I am talking about) I decided to sit with that assignment and record the video and see what would come up.

JUICY AF I must say!

Second guessing myself as a result of decades of people pleasing and mastering the art of fitting in (without even knowing it) was brought to the light in this raw video.

I guess this is me EVOLVING OUT LOUD!

I then decided that posting this video to the public would be a huge step forward in facing the FEAR of being fully authentic. There’s always a big fear of what my family will think or say about me, crying in a video out into the public.

Chances are they’ll think I’m crazy! But you know what?! I’m NOT CRAZY!!!

I AM READY!!!! I AM F*CKING READY!!!

After all the release you can witness in the video below, I sat down and here’s the INSIGHT I got from all that time talking to/with myself:

If I don’t pay close attention and fully connect to the truth of who I am, the fact that I have been doing this work for a while and that I’ve been stepping into my butterflyness can actually be an excuse for the ego to judge myself.

This actually reminds me of a moment I heard Kyle Cease showing how the ego would take turns in showing up as the solution to the problem it created in the 1st place, judging its previous manifestation, almost as if peeling off skin and pretending to be another "entity", one after the other…

”How can that be?”, you may be asking yourself. Here’s how I see it:

Awakening and becoming aware of the Truth, of how this whole reality works and knowing nothing has any meaning except the meaning I give to it, the ego can easily keep me stuck under the illusion that tapping into feeling all these human emotions is nothing but a waste of time.


And from my experience, that’s not the way to actually heal and integrate whatever might need to be healed. We need to ALLOW and HONOUR the emotion, create a loving space for that to be expressed, fully SEE and ACCEPT it for what it is.

So... here's my COMMITMENT for this 2019 and for the rest of my life:

1 - SPEAK UP about my feelings;

2 - HONOUR my emotions has a manifestation of my HUMAN EXPERIENCE;

3 - CREATE SPACE to whatever may be showing up in my life, either in my inner or outer world;

4 - NURTURE my childlike CURIOSITY;

5 - DARE to be 5% MORE AUTHENTIC every step of the way until it becomes who I am (and if it doesn't, be ok with that too);

6 - LOVE MYSELF, treat myself with KINDNESS and COMPASSION (no different from what I would do to a puppy or a baby).

So, here’s my dare to you!

Grab a piece of paper and write down 5 traits you don’t like about yourself! Then, get your phone and record a video of you talking about it. If you want, you can pick one of the five and talk about that one.

Aren’t you curious to see what happens when you TALK about it? Aren’t you curious to find out what happens when you bring light into that shadow?

Of course you don’t have to share that video with anyone. You can even delete it afterwards.

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If you are a WOMAN and you would like to be part of an outstanding TRIBE of women from all over the world, ask to join Evolved Women Tribe . There you’ll also find a place for massive growth and evolvement, as well as honoring the Divine Feminine.

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