How to Set Boundaries

Having trouble setting boundaries? If you have any trouble setting boundaries, know that you are not alone. They are hard for all of us and if you were born (like me) with the tendency to please everyone around you, it gets even harder.

Setting boundaries is huge for people pleasers!!! Anticipating an emotional reaction to our boundaries is a struggle and it can be overwhelming for people like me, who feel deep.

Some years ago, I recall a friend who I consider a boundaries queen (she nails that sh*t like a pro!) asking me what I found so difficult about putting a boundary in place. At the time, the only thing I could tell her was how it actually felt in my body. See if you can relate to what I told her that day:

— Imagine you haven’t been to the gym in years, you now weigh 150kg and you have to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes… imagine how that would feel… Well, I’d still rather go on that treadmill than setting a boundary to which I am expecting an emotional reaction.

She had no idea that it was that hard!

But let me share with you that, like everything in life, the more you practise, the better you get at doing it. Remember... Every time you draw a boundary, you show yourself a little more love.

And here’s a free hack — when you do set a boundary, make sure to shake that booty and celebrate. That's how you rewire your nervous system to want to do it again.

Here's what you need to know — Your boundaries are YOUR responsibility! You need to know them and communicate them. Setting boundaries IS your job! What IS NOT your job is to manage people's reaction to your boundary!!! Their emotional reaction is theirs and it’s not yours to manage.

Here's some hacks on setting a boundary:

1. Once you're clear about the boundary, you need to set it in place and communicate it in a SIMPLE way. Simple is key here. The more we go about giving way too much information, we’re creating space for the possibility to fail in following through with it.

2. You do not need to explain yourself.

3. You do not need to apologize for it.

4. Be prepared and expect an emotional reaction. If you prepare yourself for there to be a reaction, then it’s easier to simply let it come. And please, don't make it about you, because it is not. It’s THEIR reaction. Breathe through their reaction and repeat to yourself: "This is not my responsibility. It's not my job to manage their feelings".

5. Be prepared for the possibility of your own self-judgment talk to creep in afterwards. It’s normal if it does. After all, this thing of setting boundaries is a challenge and we’re still practising putting them in place. If (or when) that inner critic shows up, stay present to it, show those thoughts your love and remember that you don’t have to believe them. Remember that you’re not your thoughts. Give yourself a lot of Love and compassion if (or when) the self-judgment talk creeps in. It will get easier with time and practise.

And please, remember... it's not so much that you are saying "no" to others, but that you are saying YES to yourself.

What's a boundary you know you need to set? What do you worry will happen if you do it?

Leave a comment below. I always read and reply to comments!

#SetYourBoundaries #BoundariesAreAnActOfSelfLove #YouOweItToYourself#SelfLoveRevolution

If Fear Was A Pokemon

How do you talk about FEAR to a 9-year-old?

The other day I had to talk about FEAR with my son, and it required me to get creative. I could not definitely talk to him about fear the way I talk to my clients.

Gui came home after school feeling really scared. This was not usual, and so I got curious about it and stayed vigilant. It didn’t take long to find out that another boy from his class had taken a book to school which was about ghosts and horror stories.

Gui was feeling so scared that he didn't even want to walk in the dark areas of the house. So, that evening I decided to join him as he was brushing his teeth before going to bed. I could see fear was really playing a big role that night, and so I asked him, in a very curious tone of voice:

— Gui, if fear was a Pokémon, what Pokémon would it be?

(Let me just add here that I know NOTHING about Pokémons except that he is CRAZY about that!)

He was somewhat surprised by my question, so I repeated it.

— Gastly, mum. (I had to first learn to say the name because he was saying it HIS way)

As I said before, I know nothing about Pokémons but I remembered something that could be really useful. Over the last years there's a word I've been correcting him on, because of the way he pronounces it, and that word is EVOLUTION. So, I knew that Pokémons have evolutions, and that was just what I needed for me to be able to talk to him about FEAR.

After exploring with him a bit of the story of "Gastly", the FEAR Pokémon, he told me its evolution was "Haunter" (a really suitable name, I might say!), and this also had another evolution, called "Gengar". Well, this post is not about Pokémons, but bear with me… there’s a lesson in here.

Now that I had gained his trust, and I was really listening to a subject that he adores (and to which I had never paid attention before), I had won the right and the space to do my own magic.

Does fear start really strong? Does fear evolve into a much stronger version of itself, like pókemons do? SURE! How? By feeding it, believing in it, allowing it to take control over our lives, stopping us from taking action on our dreams, our goals, or whatever it is that we want to do with (or in) our lives.

I heard Tony Robbins say at Unleash the Power Within, "kill the monster before it turns into a F**king Godzilla".

And how do we kill the monster? Taking action! Feel the fear but do it anyway!

So, there I was, putting my boy to sleep, but not before I ask him to pick up the Gameboy (or something of that type that his cousin lent him) and to show me those pókemons. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing… I could almost hear him thinking “my mum wants ME to play, and SHE wants to see it?”

He was so excited to be showing me the game he loves, and which I understand nothing of. And then I ask him:

— Gui, who decides if the Pokémon evolves or not? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— If the Pokémon has evolved to its last evolution, who is more powerful? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— Who is playing the game? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— Who has the power to shut this game off? You or the Pokémon?

— Me, mum!

— The same with FEAR my son! You see it, you feel it but YOU are in charge, YOU are playing the game, not fear. But, like the Pokémons, the more you feed it, the more attention you pay to it, the stronger it will become. We don't want fear to become "Gengar"... we want to deal with fear while it's still "Gastly". And Gastly is an important Pokémon because it keeps you safe, it makes you be watchful as you cross the street, it keeps you away from the fire… so it’s a good thing.

If you could just see the look in his eyes and his face... HE GOT IT! In less than a minute he was smiling, really courageous and empowered to go to a good night sleep, all by himself.

I kiss him goodnight, tell him I love him and as I’m leaving his room…

— Mum, can I change the name of the Pokémon? After all, fear is not that bad.

---

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Life After Destroying A Limiting Belief

I'm having a BOLDNESS HANGOVER today!

This is LIFE after DESTROYING a LIMITING BELIEF!

Have you ever done something totally out of anything you would ever imagine you could do, and then afterwards you go and think "I can't believe what I just did!"? Well, that's me today!

For you to understand why this was so out of what I thought was possible for me to do, last April I went to London to one of Tony Robbins' events called Unleash the Power Within (UPW), and there we worked around 2 or 3 limiting beliefs.

Well, one of those limiting beliefs was — "Nothing of what I say has any value".

I need to let you know that I needed to check the handbook of the event because an exercise TR does (I'll tell you this story some other time!), just destroyed it completely, and I couldn't access it in my brain.

Well, guess what? Life does change when you destroy your limiting beliefs! Yesterday evening I was on a webinar being interviewed by a fellow firewalker Ben Colley, with the purpose to inspire other women. Yesterday I SPOKE UP and there were people who wanted to listen to me and my story. I am now free!

And I also realise now that our story is not ours to keep, otherwise it won't serve anyone in this world.

It was quite a raw, open and authentic interview!

Just know and be certain that once a limiting belief is destroyed, your LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! 

Tony Robbins, Amen!

BE AUTHENTIC! 

You can watch the interview here