I faced FEAR today!
Holy shit... My legs shook like hell... I felt my heart biting in every inch of my body... It was not death but it sure felt like it!
- BITCH, STOP THIS CAR R I G H T N O W! - Fear yelled.
In that moment I felt trapped. It felt way too dangerous and way too scary to keep driving up the mountain. The road was too narrow and so damn steep!!!! I could see the road disappearing under the car as I curved… OMG!!! It seemed the car was flying… all I could see was the car and the sky! Fuck!!! My car has no wings and neither do I!
At that point, the only way down to feeling great and safe again (OMG, I wanted it so badly) was to go all the way up! Literally, there was no turning back! Suddenly, the fear of keep moving forward became smaller than turning the car around and so I kept going.
When I finally stopped the car, it felt like a huge relief! My legs were shaking and I could barely walk! I took some deep breaths in and out and walked all the way up to the top. And you know what? Fear wouldn’t shut up:
- Are you happy now? I hope this shit has been worth it! What do you expect to find here? There’s only big rocks here! And you are also afraid of rocks, remember?
As I watched my son exploring the surroundings, I fooled myself into the illusion that I was enjoying myself hiding behind the camera and taking some pictures of him. Fear wasn’t going anywhere and it wasn’t giving up either:
- HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DRIVE YOUR WAY DOWN? I can’t believe you brought us here!
Fear was hysterical and for me to be able to live that experience fully, I had to take a moment to acknowledge its presence, breathe and let it know that everything was going to be ok (at this point I am fooling myself… what else can I do? Fake it until you make it!). Yes, it seemed dangerous! Yes, it looked and felt scary... But I would drive very slowly and carefully on the way down! If others do it, I can also do it myself!
Now, there was nothing Fear could do but I… I could choose: I could freak out or I could enjoy the wonderful experience of being there. I mean, being truly and actually there and NOT pretending that I was there!
And so I made a decision - I decided I wanted to BE FULLY PRESENT!
Fear stood there, aside, arms crossed, grumbling and waiting for the moment to go down:
- This bitch, since she met that Tony Robbins guy and walked on that fire she doesn't listen to me like she used to... and with all that meditation and self-development bullshit she is into, she thinks she can dare and defy me... Well... I gotta say that we’ve been to some quite amazing places and met some extraordinary people but …bla bla bla
The SILENCE entered my body! I don’t recall ever experiencing that kind of silence! The immense space before me, all the mountains around, the different autumn colours blending together and kissing the blue of the sky, two birds flying around and playing together in a dance only they understood… The silence and I became one! And in that moment, I was FREE!
On the way down... OMG... Fear was freaking out again and making a scene!
As I write this article and share this story with you, I found it very curious to witness my reaction to feeling trapped and scared - I wanted it to STOP! I wanted to quit, to turn back. I guess this is exactly what Tony Robbins means when he says that if you want to take the island, you gotta burn the damn boats. Having escaping doors will make you use them when standing before Fear.
I wonder how many times we all go through moments like this where we feel fearful, scared and we want to turn back and give up?!
So, if I could share something powerful and transformational with you, here are TWO things I would say:
ONE - What is your biggest fear in life? What are you most afraid of in your life?
STOP reading now and take a moment to write down what comes up for you when you ask yourself this question. I hope you have PAUSED!
TWO - What could be a fear bigger than that fear? What could it be that you could fear even more than the thing you fear the most?
What if the only way to going down and feeling great again is going all the way up?